AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Your husband is an arsehole

You have to remember @Bookworm847 , your step son didn’t chose to be born into this situation. His home life with his mum sounds chaotic too. This is why after considering a blended family dropped the idea. I really wish between your DH, the biological mother and yourself, that you would find a solution for the poor 13 year old. It’s a very impressionable age and if he’s unhappy in both homes, he’s likely to get sucked into a gang as a way of belonging. Help this child.

Funny how those loser men always find a solvent house owning woman to house them.
He's a misogynistic loser who has the cheek to sulk when you won't play skivvy to his rude child that he doesn't care enough about to parent properly.
Loser.

Me too, he’s still a young boy whose father is letting him down badly.

It sounds like all the adults are tbh.

Yes, it does. Never mind, as long as they are all happy eh😕

Agree with you both. Poor boy.

Like seriously why is this even a question. You give me the ick because you are such a sap. Grow up and grow a back bone

I do not dislike DSS at all but I do dislike his behaviour towards me- I do however continue to talk and engage with him every single time he is over and will ask him if he wants to join us for example ‘I will be booking the panto would you like to come’ to which he might say no and walk off or just walk off and then my husband repeats what I asked and he answers which I do find infuriating and point he is calls of answering me himself

I think most 13 year olds can kind of make something for themselves however I don’t think it’s kind or welcoming not to consider him. If he was invited as a guest and it was a family event would it not of been ok to bring back food from gathering? Or between the op and her husband think ahead and think he would need to eat?

You need to get to the bottom of why he ignores you. Then you can try and resolve it.

When you were at your party, did neither of you think that the child was on his own and might need food brought in?

By not pulling him up on his behaviour, copping a strop with OP for not cooking him dinner, leaving him with OP but to name a few......

Your H is the problem

“ DS, @Bookworm847 asked you a question, answer her please.”

or “DS, we don’t speak to each other like this, don’t talk to @Bookworm847 like that”

your h just decided you’re doing his child care without the decency to agree it with you is outrageous. Tell him he takes leave and cover, because you are not his babysitter. His contact time is something HE needs to be present for.

this should have been utterly dealt with the FIRST time DSS was rude to you. Your H is a lazy fucker.

This crops up all the time on MN. Why don't people think this through before marrying someone with a child/children. It never benefits the children. Selfish. Sure have your relationship if you must, but keep your children's homes and lives separate.
OP your DH should be parenting his child himself. No wonder the son's behaviour is poor. He must feel miserable.

Seems to me he is firmly on team dad and no one is on team son.

Come on!! A 13 year old is always going to say no to that especially when he’s feeling insecure and unwanted and you offer a choice. What would you say to your own sons? “We’re all going to the panto; I’ve got us all tickets because it’s a family event and you are in our family and we won’t enjoy it as much without you.”

Who was at the 'huge family gathering' was it just your family or some of your DH's? Your OP is full of 'my home'. Is it not his home too, albeit part time. Is he being made to stay for a week as you say 'DH agreed' - was it even your DSS' choice?.
I only point these out as my DS had a terrible time when he went to stay with his father and new wife. Everything was about her and he felt like an outsider. His 'bed' was a sleeping bag on a sofa. She always referred to 'her home' and him being a guest. She would cook things he didn't like and cry when he would eat them. He did end up not really speaking g to her and being rude if he had to go. From 13 he never went and now has no relationship with his dad - not spoken to him in over 4 years.
It might not be like that in your house but your DSS was 4 when you and his dad got together and it's clear he feels unwelcome in your house. His dad is with your kids a lot more than he is with him. Maybe have some sympathy to the situation - and make his dad be an actual dad before it's too late.

Agree.
But men like this loser would quickly move on to someone else who is prepared to house them.
That is when the women, desperate to hang on to the loser, sacrifice their children's home by allowing it to to be used to hang on to them.
Its definitely a MN thing.

In real life it isn't something I have come cross. Divorced women, or those that have lost their husbands have completely prioritised holding on to their assets for their children whilst still having new relationships.
The men are never moved in to the home.
"Together but apart" being how they do it.
Very successfully too I might add.

@Pieceofpurplesky the OP posted whose relatives were at the party, and no one can 'make' a parent function. She needs to prioritise herself and her kids and get the pointless man out of their lives.

Your DSS seems to be learning "how to be a dick man" from your DH. They're both arses.

Something of a back pedal there from the impression you gave in your OP @Bookworm847

I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer

Yes i feel sorry for him. Direct your anger at your DH

An unhappy blended family. Everyone unhappy. And probably have been for years.

And so it will stagger on until either you split up and carve out something happier for the remainder of their childhood or (more likely) it just gets unhappier.

I would call a family meeting, say you would like to live in a happier, more harmonious house and to be treated with respect.

Tell him what you've said here, you like him, think you treat him equally etc and you think it's more than reasonable that he's at minimum polite to you. Offer him the chance to say what his problem is, if he doesn't have one he has no reason to be rude. It's fair to limit his food to a normal amount. he should consider other people in the house. You could address that by saying we all need to consider each other etc re not talking specially about him.

Good luck with him. He sounds unhappy. Your husband isn't dealing with it well at all.