AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

I think there is a connection between this:
When DS was 4-10 we had him 50/50 but when he started secondary school he [sic] didn’t work due to distance so his mum moved it to EOW

and

About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me

From DSS13 perspective he went from part of the family, there 50% of the time to no longer a part of the family and there every other weekend which is 14% of the time. He must have been terribly hurt and rejected. Why play happy families with his dad’s new family when he has been pushed away? Of course he is not going to want to go to family events (he’s been shown he isn’t part of the family) and then to be called rude and disrespectful, have his dad and you no empathy for him at all? You all go out to eat and then it’s 8pm and no one thought, not even his own dad, to bring him any food back? And you’re just as bad with the he can go hungry because he refused to go to the family event.

You both want respect from a child you both rejected? I think he is doing the perfectly natural response of keeping his distance so he doesn’t get hurt again.

You have a lazy entitled parent problem. Address that and stop making excuses for him. His son treats you the way he does because his ineffective dad allows it. The effing cheek of the man to expect you to cook for his son and to be responsible for him while he’s at work.

Take a good hard look in the mirror op because you are part of the problem by putting up with this.

Is it? You wouldn't limit the food for your own children if they were eating say, an entire multipack of crisps and a whole family pack of mini rolls when they're for the whole family?

Anyway - YABU but only because it's your husband who is the issue here. How dare he expect you to be the skivvy for a child who won't even treat you with civility. If the kid is part of the family - then he behaves like it. At 13, I expect being more removed from family life - but his dad is allowing him to behave appallingly and is then backing it up with the expectations that you'll cook for HIS SON when you get home?! Is he not able to rustle up some beans on toast? Either the son or the dad for his son? Why on earth are you on point for that?!

If the kid is part of the family - then he behaves like it.

If the kid were part of the family then he would still be there 50/50 and not have been cut down to every other weekend two years ago.

He is reacting to what he has been shown by his dad and step mum.

Pretty obvious your DSS is miserable and is acting out in the hope someone will notice… He doesn’t like you because he probably wants his parents to still be together or, failing that, at least spend time with his Dad alone. He only sees him 4 days a month so should be doing this 1:1 with him imo.

His parents haven’t been together since he was 4 and his mother is remarried.

His father does spend 1:1 time with him.

What’s the next excuse?

That’s the thing if my children were being greedy with food I would absolutely limit it and stop it but as it is DSS I feel that would be seen as an attack on him so I don’t mention it I just buy and rebuy

The custody arrangement and reducing of days was nothing to do with me as I work 12.5 hour shifts that change weekly so I was never apart of school pick ups etc as if I was off I did my boys and DSS went to a school nearer his mum and couldn’t be in 2 places she then moved further away and picked a school even further away from our home

How can he possibly be there 50/50 when his father works away during the week?

The OP has already confirmed that 50/50 was changed to EOW by the child’s mother due to the logistics of him starting a secondary school which was close to his mum’s home and nowhere near where his father lives.

His mum was the one who cut it down to EOW as she moved further away and OP says the school is even further out so not practical.

Agree, does the boy have a “safe space”?

This
this child is not your responsibility and he sounds rude and entitled!

I think the point that you, and others, are missing is that there is one child in this scenario. One who has been messed about by the, frankly, selfish people in his life.

So, he didn’t want to go to dinner with people who are mainly strangers. He’s been displaying distress since his circumstances were changed by the adults around him. For TWO YEARS, so from he was 11 years old 😢.

And for some reason, he’s not only getting the blame for circumstances outwith his control, he’s also getting the blame for them forgetting completely about him when they were both at a “gathering” and the main focus is who was responsible for forgetting that he actually need to eat too!

Plus he seems to be getting the blame for not cooking beans on toast on Easter fucking Sunday, from a step parent who thinks he eats too much anyway and a parent who forgot he needed his dinner while drinking and playing football with children who aren’t his.

The only victim here is a child who has been let down by every adult in his life, while one of them is posting on an Internet forum about her “Prince” blaming her for them BOTH neglecting a wean.

He deserves better and the replies on here about a neglected child are truly shocking.

Plus, he is not a “kid” which is a baby goat,

He is a CHILD.

That’s how to give them eating disorders.

If the whole family had plans to go out including for dinner and he was invited in plenty of time but opted out, then there's no need for you to make him dinner even if you normally do most of the cooking for the household for whatever reason. If he's 13 and old enough to stay home alone, he's old enough to make a sandwich or microwave leftovers when he gets hungry, at the very least. His dad should make sure he knows how to do this. Or his dad could have given him money for a takeaway.

I realise that there are all kinds of different circumstances and it's difficult for your SS to go back and forth between households as his mum has moved, but it strikes me strongly that all of the children involved here are in their dads' care less than 10% of the time!!! It may not be able to be helped in the specific circumstances, but it shouldn't be normalised. And there's no excuse for the dads not doing their absolute best and putting the children above everything else when they do have them.

He sounds distressed and lonely.

You don’t need to limit him like he’s on a diet just don’t keep it all in a place where he can access too much crap all day. Can he come out with you and your son?

You need to insist that your husband parents him or backs you up to do so while he’s not there. Why are you scared it would be seen as an attack if you’ve left him plenty and offered a day out. Neither of his parents are even there!

Agreed.

Too many posters are too quick to take an adult's perspective.

My family live within 3 roads of me and are very close- in and out of each others houses etc so have been involved with DSS since he was 4. He gets the same Xmas, birthday and Easter presents as my DS and is not treated any differently

Above post from OPer...

So, he didn’t want to go to dinner with people who are mainly strangers.

Mainly strangers?
He's known his step family and has been in their lives since he was 4 years old, nine years so hardly strangers.

By 13 a child knows what manners are and how to treat people, so I'm going against it being all DH's problem.

To many people forget that it's a parents/carers job to raise DC to become part of society in a way that they are civil to others around them, using excuses that DC have it hard due to family separation can be, in some cases bull and not an excuse to allow bad behaviour to continue and carried over into manhood/womanhood.

If your DH is expecting you to take on his DC and your DSS is expecting to be treated as one of the family then the same rules apply throughout to all involved.

He comes with the parent. So you are responsible in as far as you have accepted the parent into your life, and by default, also him.
You are the adult so whilst in your home he is both your responsibility. Both Dad and Stepmum. You cannot parent on some sort of severe dividing line of ‘he belongs to you only’. That makes for a very dysfunctional upbringing.

Age 13 he can be home alone.

Me? He’s not my child.

At thirteen if he’s old enough to decide he doesn’t want to go to a family function where the rest of the family were eating, then he’s old enough to make himself beans on toast or something simple. And they weren’t virtual strangers - they were his step family who he’s known since he was four, and his grandparents were there. Nothing excuses his rudeness to OP - she is getting the brunt of it and her DH is doing nothing about it. That’s the problem.

Sorry I realised I had quoted the wrong post !

But my use of ‘your’ is not literal but ‘ a person’ in this situation.

I think the point YOU are missing is that OP is asking about the fact that her husband got in a strop because he expected her to make a meal for his son, and the other stuff is just background.

The rest of the stuff you've written here I literally cba addressing. Not everything written down is what has literally, physically happened, just like your interpretation of what OP has shared isn't literally what has happened. A stepmum telling her husband to make the child a meal himself doesn't mean that a screaming match where they pass back and forth the responsibility, slinging insults about how he "eats too much anyway" probably didn't happen.

And if you're going to object to me using the word "kid" for child which as you well know is a completely normal informal word, then maybe you shouldn't be using "wean"?