AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

You should have just cracked on OP and made the poor lad something… couldn’t you have just made something nice and nutritious like a roast chicken dinner or even a homemade pie or pizza? Those things don’t really take all that long to make

To be honest, if they cannot manage to swing their new set-up to make the child feel loved, secure and as though they fully belong, then yes, actually, they probably should stay single. A child is a responsibility.

Of course it is perfectly possible for a parent to move on and do this BUT the child needs to be fully considered and any other adult consenting to a relationship where a child pre-exists their own arrival within that dynamic needs to accept the child's right to truly belong within a secure family environment too.

Let me guess, he has no problem disciplining your children, but not his own golden child?

Fuck that. You are forcing your kids into a life of second best in every way, and for what? For some unrelated rude brat and his lazy misogynistic father. You can do better for yourself. Genuinely wtf.

This is why his first marriage broke up.
Your step son sounds like a typical fed up sulky teen. Your husband should know better.

The beer swilling, sulking, part time 'father' could easily have cracked on.

How is the dad on team dss when he went out and left him alone all day?

Your OH isn’t amazing OP. Why in hell would you be cooking a second meal for DSS when you’ve already cooked a meal that he refused? If he wants to allow his son to get away with refusing to join the family then he can bloody well cook for him, or better yet point him towards the kitchen to make something for himself!
Agreeing for him to be with you all week without even asking you if that’s ok and with him not being there is even worse. As you say, you had stuff planned.
Like others have said, his poor parenting isn’t really DSS fault. You are probably right that DSS won’t want to come with you for whatever activities you have booked, or at least he’ll feel like he has to say he doesn’t want to come, but will then then end up stuck in on his own during during his school holidays which is pretty sad, because of a situation that it is fathers making. If he can stay on his own then surely he can just do that at his mothers home?

Ah no it probably wouldn’t be as nice if he tried to cook something

Yes @Harry12345 exactly this. Their child should come first and everything should be done with their best interests in mind until the child is 16+. It’s not even a long time for an adult to wait. It is a heck of a long time for a child to have a miserable home life, as it sounds like all the children in this wretched family have. It’s bad enough for a child to have to live without both parents, let alone some random fucker and their equally miserable step siblings. Thread after thread on MN proves this and I won’t stop saying it.

Agree, feel sorry for all the children only seeing their fathers EOW, no wonder this poor boy is acting up.

You have a lazy selfish waster on your hands who son is in his likeness.
Your poor children in this set up.
You have tolerated this for two years, which is unbelievable.
Putting a man ahead of your own children is so wrong.
This is a toxic environment for your children where they watch you being treated like this.

He sulked because you wouldn't be skivvy to his rude son, after he sat guzzling beers?
And you really believe that is a good environment for your child?
Unbelievable.
Raise your very low bar, for your childrens sake.

Your step son comes as part of the package with your husband.
He is at a very awkward age. And probably doesn’t feel welcome.
As to meals. Not cooking for someone who is a child in your home and you are the adult will reap consequences. But not good ones. It is a clear ‘go away’ message.

You do all the grunt work whilst DH does the fun stuff like board/card games, kicking a football round the garden.
His 13 year old son needs to know basic respect, that it’s not acceptable to completely ignore SM. That he is expected to be polite even if he doesn’t count her as family or like her. That there are basic rules he is expected to follow like everyone else in the household like tidying after himself and not eating all the food.
If DH can’t be bothered then I feel sorry for his son because his dad is only interested in him for the fun times.

You have a DH problem OP. Yes this lad is being disrespectful but he didn't ask for a new home with a new stepmum and stepsiblings and a dad who thinks it's ok to outsource to you during the small amounts of time that he's expected to step up and be a dad. For the sake of your stepson tell DH he will be providing all care to his son as son has made it very clear that he isn't comfortable around you and it isn't your responsibility to care for him. Who owns the house? If it's your house tell DH you will be asking stepson to leave any time he makes you or your children feel disrespected in your home. If it's a shared home you might need to start threatening to leave and making plans to leave and mean it...

I think Dad needs to have a chat with his son. He needs to find out the root of the non verbals. Age, online inappropriate misogyny ? Worries at his mums ?
The non speaking has gone on for two years. That is far too long.
He is still a child.

From what I see and know DSS has a good relationship with his mum and her DH and the other step siblings are also in the home EOW they just are slightly younger. dSS has his own room and space in both homes and while he states step sibling ‘break’ things he unfortunately may not help as I have observed phones, games consoles left on floor that he run over with a chair

The OP's children live in the house full time with their mum and stepdad. The SS only stays every other week. It is not his house so of course he is going to feel like an outsider.

The OP's partner doesn't seem to make an effort where his son is concerned and the OP is taking her resentment out on the SS. Sad situation all round.

I think the key to this situation is what happened two years ago to cause this - and I strongly suspect it stems from the move to secondary school where he then went from 50:50 contact down to EOW.
Does he somehow blame OP for this? Were his wishes discussed amongst the adults? I can imagine he feels very pushed out and unwanted and he is taking this out on OP. Your DH has been a shit dad for not getting to the bottom of this or for doing any parenting at all - allowing him to be rude and isolate himself for two whole years?? Why has he been allowed to sit on the computer in his room and not interact? Why was he allowed to not go to the family event?

What is the relationship like between your H and his ex, or you and the ex? Is it civil?
This child is clearly very unhappy and needs the adults to present a united front and find out what’s going on and try to fix it.

No, YANBU to not cook for him. YABU to not be pushing your husband to sort this out, to
not be a part of the solution as he is a child and needs the adults to help him and rebuild relationships. Otherwise I think your whole relationship is dead in the water, you have a massive DH problem.

I had my own home when we met and DH rented my house was sold for a bigger home to fit additional people but there was a contract regarding previous equity and this belonging to me so if we split I could buy his share or downsize

I know you’re getting a hard time on here op, but the fact that your h spoke to you like that, the fact that you had to question if it’s ok, the fact that your dad behaves as he does - all suggests that you all live an extremely misogynistic life and have done for decades.
this isn’t something that is going to be undone with a stern chat, this is ingrained misogyny.
I would be looking at getting my ducks in a row, in an attempt to get my own sons away from this whilst they are in their formative years.

You really don't like this child do you, it seeps out of your posts and it seems everything is his fault. Imagine how you'd feel if someone was this indifferent towards your child.

Why on earth did you husband think it was ok to ask you what you were cooking for his son?!

He hasn’t got your back here at all. Have they moved into your house-who owns it?

This is good news op. I cross posted but I would be giving this some serious thought in an attempt to undo some damage on your sons.

I can’t believe the way a 13 year old child is being spoken about on this thread 😢

It’s odd. I see my step son every other weekend, known him since he was 7. He gets moody sometimes with both by dp and myself. I ignore it as I have teenage dc so I just carry on, will make meals for him with my dp and ask him what we would like me to make for dinner. After a few moody visits, this bank holiday weekend he really wanted to engage with me , showing my stuff he was doing on this game so I dropped everything and spent time with his . It was a golden moment. Step parenting can be a thankless task but I try to treat his like my own.