AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

[FastPearlTiger]

I recently found out that, over a period of weeks, a very close friend and my husband secretly exchanged messages that became increasingly personal and crossed appropriate boundaries, including discussing dissatisfaction in their marriages and some flirtation with her saying she found him attractive. I found out completely by accident after seeing some messages that he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour, he then told me everything.

Apparently during the contact they both recognised the situation had become inappropriate and attempted to reinstate boundaries and be normal friends, but my friend continued to message and push those boundaries while my husband tried not to reengage. She was increasingly irrational asking why he was ignoring her and then unfriending and then trying to refried him on FB. When I found out I asked him to block her on all channels.

Finding all this out was deeply upsetting, both because of the impact on my marriage and because she was a really close friend who I spoke to daily and leaned on in tough times and I believed I was the same for her, I've always been there for her and supported her. When I found out I tried to act calmly and process everything so didn't contact her for a week, apart from saying I was dealing with some stuff.

About a week later she messaged my husband from a different account and was clearly wondering if I knew and saying she trusted him 100% but needed to know if that was right. I thought it best she knew I knew so I told her but that I was still processing and not ready to talk. She reacted with significant emotional distress, no apology though just saying she loved her husband and he was her life, she sent me some worrying messages about self harm, this led me to contact her husband out of concern for her safety, I didn't tell him what she had done just said we'd fallen out.

He let me know the next day that she'd told him what had happened but had deleted most of the messages from her contact with my husband.

Since then, there has been no contact from her, and I been focusing on my marriage and my own wellbeing.

I'm struggling to get closure though and feel she should have at least apologised, is that unreasonable? It's been over a month now and she is posting a happy life on social media as if she hasn't done anything wrong.

What will an apology get you? Give her a wide berth and have a think about your marriage.

My ex left me for our friend. In that context, you are focusing way too much attention on an irrelevant person here. If you want your marriage to survive, focus on resolving things with your husband and let the friend go. If you’re more concerned by the loss of the friendship than on fixing your marriage, that’s a whole different topic.

how utterly stupid the two of them were. what's wrong with people?
Move on from her.

This is what I initially thought

I’m not sure what good an apology will do. You will forgive your husband but I suspect you will never forgive her. In fact you won’t want him round her as you now know he fancies her and was willing to cheat on you with her; the fact it didn’t get there doesn’t change the fact that’s what he wanted.

so I’d let her go, as to stay with him, you need to cut her out.

most women would question why you’d stay with a man who would engage in thid manner with a close friend of yours , ultimately he owed you more;but I’m sure you’ve got your reasons, are they really about just love. Or is it lifestyle related, a fear of being alone, money, etc,

understanding why you’re chosing to stay is key, he will know the reasons, as will you. You will also be wondering if she’s the first. Has he cheated before. Are any of your friends safe round him ? Or will you now feel th4 need to keep any attractive females seperate;

its not an easy road your chosing, but her apology is pointless.

He was also inappropriate, it wasn’t just her;

If it had not been your friend would your husband have continued?
I think you should dump them both.

Did your husband only apologise after he had been caught?

OP don't trust him.
You deserve better.

She SHOULD apologise

But she SHOULD have also behaved better. And if you cant trust her with your DH you cant trust her apology.

Your feelings are normal and understandable but honestly.. shes not a good friend and I block her.

You should ditch them both.

I think (having been in ops shoes) it can be difficult to end a marriage and disrupt a family over messages alone. Obviously op would be entirely right to do that if she felt that way. But there's a lot in a marriage that's worth looking to see if you can make things work with what's left. And, as in my case, sometimes you try and it's still not enough. For me personally, it meant I walked away with complete closure feeling that I'd given absolutely everything to it and in a better financial position and not quite as freshly postpartum. We don't know ops circumstances so we don't know how easy or hard or complex it would be for her to simply LTB. That's her call to make but staying with someone doesn't mean they've just got off with it. That very much depends on how you approach things with them.

You didn’t read what that poster said properly. You seem to have stopped reading at the first sentence and have reacted to that - whereas if you’d read on, you’d have seen the follow on from “Why would she apologise?” was “When she isn’t sorry…”

And that’s the size of it. OP will never get her apology because this woman isn’t sorry. And she isn’t and never was a friend.

Stop your fixation on her and look inwards to your marriage.

OP I voted YABU because I think you hoping to get an apology out of this woman is unrealistic and therefore unreasonable. Of course she should have apologised but that won’t happen and could potentially be more upsetting.

You need to put her out of your mind, concentrate on yourself and your relationship with your husband. He is not innocent in this situation but you need to work through how you continue as a couple and what you both need to do to save the relationship.

"he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour"

Sure. I think you are projecting your rightful anger with your dodgy husband on this friend. Write her off, and focus your anger on him.

Actions speak louder than words !