AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

[FastPearlTiger]

I recently found out that, over a period of weeks, a very close friend and my husband secretly exchanged messages that became increasingly personal and crossed appropriate boundaries, including discussing dissatisfaction in their marriages and some flirtation with her saying she found him attractive. I found out completely by accident after seeing some messages that he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour, he then told me everything.

Apparently during the contact they both recognised the situation had become inappropriate and attempted to reinstate boundaries and be normal friends, but my friend continued to message and push those boundaries while my husband tried not to reengage. She was increasingly irrational asking why he was ignoring her and then unfriending and then trying to refried him on FB. When I found out I asked him to block her on all channels.

Finding all this out was deeply upsetting, both because of the impact on my marriage and because she was a really close friend who I spoke to daily and leaned on in tough times and I believed I was the same for her, I've always been there for her and supported her. When I found out I tried to act calmly and process everything so didn't contact her for a week, apart from saying I was dealing with some stuff.

About a week later she messaged my husband from a different account and was clearly wondering if I knew and saying she trusted him 100% but needed to know if that was right. I thought it best she knew I knew so I told her but that I was still processing and not ready to talk. She reacted with significant emotional distress, no apology though just saying she loved her husband and he was her life, she sent me some worrying messages about self harm, this led me to contact her husband out of concern for her safety, I didn't tell him what she had done just said we'd fallen out.

He let me know the next day that she'd told him what had happened but had deleted most of the messages from her contact with my husband.

Since then, there has been no contact from her, and I been focusing on my marriage and my own wellbeing.

I'm struggling to get closure though and feel she should have at least apologised, is that unreasonable? It's been over a month now and she is posting a happy life on social media as if she hasn't done anything wrong.

Have you considered that she's not apologised because she not actually sorry?

If I were you I would not waste any more of your time or energy thinking about her and concentrate on your marriage. I would imagine that it's going to take a lot of time and energy for your husband to try and earn your trust again after his shitty behaviour.

I wouldn’t want her apology I’d want nothing more to do with her.

Maybe she isn't sorry?

I doubt you’ll get anything from her and frankly, in your shoes I wouldn’t want anything to do with her. Start afresh with DH if he’s apologised and you’re working through it but you can choose to have nothing more to do with her. It’s natural to have that response to the OW however illogical that may seem.

This!

What's the point of an apology? If she really cared about you she wouldn't be trying to chat up your husband (with some determination it seems!).

She was having an emotional affair with your husband. She's not going to apologize because she's not sorry, she's just upset it came out what she was doing. She's not a friend nor is she trustworthy and the same goes for your husband.

Closure here is a myth. The fallout of this EA is ongoing and there is no clean resolution in sight. There is nothing either of them can say that will take away the hurt of them putting some ego stroking over their marriages.

What’s the bit about trusting your husband 100 percent? To what? Not tell the full details..?
I think your husband might be effectively fooling you here OP - it seems like a bit more than some personal messages.
And what’s he dissatisfied with in your marriage? The first rule of cheat club is say you have marriage problems…

Oh quel surprise she threatened self-harm. You’ve now truly seen your ex friend for who she is & also more importantly your DH. The way you recount how she got mad when he cooled things & kept messaging him etc does sound like the account he’s told you. ie I tried to stop but she kept trying to carry it on. She’s the one to blame not me. Don’t be swayed. And try to divert your hurt from being betrayed by your friend (not good so you’re totally justified) to being betrayed by your DH. Sorry OP. It must feel doubly bad. But trust has been broken. Good luck.

Well clearly you can't be friends with her again after this anyway, so what difference does it make whether she apologises or not?

'Closure' is overrated. If you even get what you were hoping for, it rarely closes anything. The shit has happened in real life, the relationships are damaged, the emotions are all over the place. Closure comes from taking the lessons on board, rebuilding boundaries and repairing what is worth the effort.

In a case like yours, a sincere apology could help if what she'd done was over-enthusiastic flirting while steaming drunk one day. Not a sustained effort like this, which really amounts to an emotional affair. She betrayed you horrifically. You cannot come back from this. If you feel like you want to be friends again with her, you might need to do some therapy to sort out a co-dependency issue.

I'm hoping it's simply that your head's taking a while to catch up with the changed situation. Simultaneously, you'll probably find you haven't forgiven DH quite as much as you thought - you shouldn't forgive him too easily, as he too engaged in the emotional affair instead of telling her to get lost and warning you.

Wishing you good support while you work through this.

I'm a year on from this and I'm only about getting over it. Sorry ❤️‍🩹

I'm still with him because in the cold light of day he's a lot more entertaining and attractive than the alternatives and than being single. But I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him and I can't see myself nursing him through dementia etc in 30 years. Or only to save DS from doing it.

I have been desperate for closure but I don't even know what it would look like. Her and a reasonably attractive man is like my cats and wriggly pink fingers. The cats love me with all their tiny hearts but I'd still get my fingers savaged if I waved them in their faces. Due to some very sad experiences in her past OWs primal instinct is to reel men in and keep them in reserve. Fuck all I can do about it. That's the closest I've got.

I'm reading a DBT workbook that's helping a bit. It's about recognising that some things are shit but it serves you better to accept them and move on, without betraying yourself and saying they were ok.

I know how you feel.

Happened to me. It's been 10 years and it still hurts. I haven't spoken to her since. She never apologised. My marriage has recovered but it's had a lasting impact on me.

I really feel for you.

You seem to be focusing on what your friend has said and done and not your husband’s part in this. I think I’d want to know what dissatisfaction he had with your marriage and why he chose to discuss it with her and not you. That is quite humiliating and a breach of your privacy as a married couple and would really piss me off. Saving her messages because he was worried about her sounds a poor excuse. Would he have told you if you hadn’t found the messages ? I don’t think he’s blameless here. I think it’s unlikely she will apologise, she was attracted to your husband and he to her by the sounds of it. Is your husband going to apologise to her husband ? If there’s been no contact from her maybe that’s a good thing, phase her out and focus on repairing your own marriage.

Or so he says .... or has he stored only those emails that show him in the better light?

What would an apology actually give you? You are never going to be friends again. You are invested in your marriage so want to believe your DH's version of events, which paints her as the predator. There are reasons why you might not want to end your marriage but this friendship belongs in the past.

OP, you are shooting at the wrong target here.

This women isn't special, she's a nobody who was just available.

The problem is the man who you are living with. You need to have a serious talk with him and ask him why he didn't mention these 'problems' to you so they could be addressed. (I suspect they are fictitious BTW)

What is he going to do to rebuild your trust ?

Most of all, has he apologised and shown remorse?

If not, I can't see a way forward for you - I'm sorry x

Just because she is posting about her so called happy life on facebook, doesn't make it true. In my experience it is the opposite. She's trying to convince herself and everyone else that her life is perfect.

The fact she hasn’t apologised IS the closure.

He panicked it seems and shoved her under the bus. You don't have to live with her but you do him -or not as the case may be.

I'd ditch the pair of them x

Its shit xx

I'm so sorry op. Unfortunately I think it's very likely that a real apology will be slow to never in coming. When people do things like this they rationalise it to themselves to make crossing the boundaries feel OK. She's probably continuing that aspect of her behaviour even now and is probably putting her energies into her own husband in a self serving way to stop her world from imploding.

I also think when you decide to continue on with an unfaithful husband who has crossed boundaries, it becomes really difficult because all the hurt and anger etc is still there but the way you show it and process it can become more complicated because you're still working hard emotionally to preserve the relationship so I think it makes a lot of sense that fixating on her role in this and wanting to seek closure from her would happen because you can't do that with your husband in the same way. But all those feelings are still there.

I think op it's also especially hurtful because people almost kind of 'expect' husbands to cheat - it happens all the time Unfortunately. But we expect our friends to be the ones who are there to hold us if things break down. Good friends like that we expect to be with us no matter what so you've had a multilayered betrayal. And now it's going to take time for you to process that these are two people who can on surface level show up for you, while on a deeper level betraying and harming you.

I haven't had this experience with a friend but I have had it with my ex and it can feel like a very lonely place trying to work through something like that. I'd recommend individual counselling so you have a safe place to process that is just for you. And I'd really think carefully about how your life is structured. I did individual counselling and then we did months of couples counselling but behind the scenes I started to be more diligent with my money so I had some savings that were just in my name if things went pear shaped and I went back full time to work instead of part time after maternity. A year later I was in the same position again but this time round with the means to kick him out immediately.

I'd recommend you take one big step back and you wait and watch your husbands actions very closely. Listen carefully to what he says, if there's a but or an excuse or fingers pointed then that's not accountability. It's not your job to 'fix' your marriage because you didn't drop your end of the rope. This is now entirely on him to be accountable and work to rebuild your trust and he needs to do that acknowledging that he may never get it back fully. Really you need to grieve the relationship you had and how you thought things would look, and then you can see what's left to build something new out of, looking at him with a more complete picture of his character. I feel like I made the mistake of working too hard to make things better because I wanted to feel less pain so the more you can sit with your feelings and the grief and hurt of it all, the better it will serve you which is why a good support system is important.

And lastly I'd just say that this is no reflection on you. I felt deeply humiliated when I found out but it was never my shame to carry. You deserved much, much better than how they've treated you op.

What do you want to get out of the apology, OP? What would you do with it, if you got it? Would it make you think better of her? It doesn't alter what she did.
Or do you want her to prostrate herself in front of you and beat her breast over the loss of your friendship?
Or do you want her to say she's sorry so that you can throw it back in her face and feel powerful?
If she says she's sorry, it will very likely be as meaningless as her not doing it at all. Ceasing to acknowledge her existence seems to be the best way to go. Why would you want any further dealings with her?

Never mind her. You've let him get away with this?!

I understand, but sometimes it's not as simple as telling them to fuck off. I don't know the OPs circumstances but if I left it would be to a 1br flat or to my mum's 80 miles away. My mum behaved similarly towards my dad so I doubt she'd be sympathetic! I wish I'd had a running away fund but it's a bit late to say that now.

Op hasn't said that. She's said she's dealing with her husband but is particularly struggling with the betrayal of her friend..presumably because she's had an apology from the husband and hopefully accountability, but radio silence from a supposed friend. Nowhere does she say he's been let away with anything.