AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

[FastPearlTiger]

I recently found out that, over a period of weeks, a very close friend and my husband secretly exchanged messages that became increasingly personal and crossed appropriate boundaries, including discussing dissatisfaction in their marriages and some flirtation with her saying she found him attractive. I found out completely by accident after seeing some messages that he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour, he then told me everything.

Apparently during the contact they both recognised the situation had become inappropriate and attempted to reinstate boundaries and be normal friends, but my friend continued to message and push those boundaries while my husband tried not to reengage. She was increasingly irrational asking why he was ignoring her and then unfriending and then trying to refried him on FB. When I found out I asked him to block her on all channels.

Finding all this out was deeply upsetting, both because of the impact on my marriage and because she was a really close friend who I spoke to daily and leaned on in tough times and I believed I was the same for her, I've always been there for her and supported her. When I found out I tried to act calmly and process everything so didn't contact her for a week, apart from saying I was dealing with some stuff.

About a week later she messaged my husband from a different account and was clearly wondering if I knew and saying she trusted him 100% but needed to know if that was right. I thought it best she knew I knew so I told her but that I was still processing and not ready to talk. She reacted with significant emotional distress, no apology though just saying she loved her husband and he was her life, she sent me some worrying messages about self harm, this led me to contact her husband out of concern for her safety, I didn't tell him what she had done just said we'd fallen out.

He let me know the next day that she'd told him what had happened but had deleted most of the messages from her contact with my husband.

Since then, there has been no contact from her, and I been focusing on my marriage and my own wellbeing.

I'm struggling to get closure though and feel she should have at least apologised, is that unreasonable? It's been over a month now and she is posting a happy life on social media as if she hasn't done anything wrong.

The disrespect is the closure.

They’re both as bad as each other!
As soon as your friend sent your husband a message and he replied he’s as bad as her.
Id be ditching them both

Agreed. Your ex-friend is obviously a bit bonkers and really not worth your head-space or emotional energy. She's not worth it.

But what you need your DH to think about is how he sleep-walked (slept-walked?) into a flirtation.

Men can be really harmfully clueless about this sort of emotional infidelity. They don't realise what's at stake, and your DH needs to be an adult about this. He needs to realise the impact of this behaviour, even if he doesn't think he's done anything wrong (which I imagine is his position).

He needs to take responsibility - and that's a challenge for many men.

Good luck!

Unfortunately life doesn't tend to wrap incidents up with a neat conclusion. Closure is a nice idea but it's rare that we actually get it. We find closure within ourselves.

Your pal there is a loose cannon. She'll be mortified, dejected, scared as hell...and she deserves to be, but she's not about to apologise. Instead, she tried to control the outcome and narrative by threatening self harm. Not very dignified or decent of her.
She lacks integrity so an apology would be meaningless anyway.
That's your closure as far as she is concerned.

He’s the one you are married to. It seems to be like deflection in dealing with your husband. Of course he’s apologised & is “making amends”, they all do!!

As for her maybe she’s sorry, maybe she isn’t but she is no longer a friend. You don’t need “closure”. It’s akin to someone dropping dead of a heart attack, you deal with the shock you don’t look for closure.

I have voted YABU but only because it's a waste of your energy, not because you haven't been wronged.

👏🏻 absolutely spot on.
That friendship is over.
Run and don’t look back.
She’s not your friend.
Is your marriage over too ?
Focus on that.
Is it worth staying ?

Honestly, if you need to ask for an apology, then it’s not worth anything.

As a person whose best friend had an affair with my husband I can tell you that the betrayal by the friend (who I loved dearly, confided in and trusted and had some great times with) was as hard, if not harder than the betrayal by my husband. Her betrayal is what has made me unable to trust anyone again, rather than his. I can see he was being led by his dick and his ego as lots of men are and yes that was truly awful. But it takes a big leap to actively betray a good friend like that.
So I can see why you feel you need closure from her OP.
I never got it in my case. We had one conversation during which she was weirdly quite aggressive. There was never an apology. And it really did ruin my life for a few years.

She is not your friend.

Did you see all of the messages? You say your husband tried to disengage but she continued to push boundaries, did you come to this conclusion because you read all of their messages or is this how your husband explained the situation? Your husband has already crossed boundaries, don’t believe he wouldn’t lie and try to push the blame onto your friend and make it sound like she was instigating and he was the one trying to resist. The reality might be very different.

But she isn't the OPs friend really... a friend wouldnt do that... even if she apologised, it wouldn't be a real apology. "Sorry I got caught trying to have an affair with your husband who also seemed up for it til.he got caught" just doesn't sound sincere

Of course the betrayal by the friend hurts, but the closure the OP needs is to know that she was never a friend in the first place and she's lucky to be rid of her. But insinuating that the husband is less to blame because he has a dick is ridiculous.... he made vows to his wife. I don't give a crap about what his genitalia comprises of.

She didn't care, she enjoyed it and she's not sorry. Same for your husband, by the way.

Oh OP, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I went through similar, really good friends with another couple in the village, I confided in her about the state of my marriage, son’s were best friends at school and we were in and out of each others houses. Provided childcare for each other etc. I was devastated when I found out they had got together one evening after her hubby had taken the kids home to bed earlier, the three of us had remained at ours and then my hubby offered to walk her home whilst I put our kids to bed.
She did apologise, I never spoke to her again, it made no difference, my heart was broken that she would betray me like that.
We moved away to try and repair our marriage, small village, everyone would know if I stopped talking to her. Inevitably our marriage fell apart several years later, many other issues, but the betrayal from both my exH and my friend, has broken me. 😞
my advice would be to leave him now, take your self esteem, teach your children that no one should put up with this and when you are ready find your person who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Take care

Thank you for understanding, I'm so sorry it happened to you too.

@FastPearlTiger , if she were to apologise, would you accept her apology? If not, what's the point of hoping for it? I'm still not sure what you expect to get from it but I am sure that, when something like this happens, it won't be closure because there is no such thing. How can there be?

It sounds like she's stayed with him, so he would have got away with it if so. Not seeing any consequence for him, just a focus on the friend.

LTB
🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

‘After seeing some messages that he’d saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour’….

You are never going to achieve the ending that you deserve to this situation if you continue to choose to believe sentences like these, and if you continue to choose to believe that your DH was naively led down the garden path by this sneaky temptress who exploited him.

An apology from her achieves nothing. Clearly you can never be friends with her again, she’s now irrelevant. She can’t give you closure because she can’t tell you what you want to hear - which is that this is on her and not your DH. You need to give yourself closure by accepting the painful reality that your DH had feelings for your friend which he acted on. And decide from there what you want to do.

I understand you needing an apology for this breach of trust by a very close friend. Her inability/unwillingness to volunteer an unreserved apology just re iterates that she wasnt and isnt a very close friend to you.
I think i would have asked once : Why did you betray my trust in you in a way you knew would hurt me? If i didnt get an explanation and sincere apology the friendship and any contact would be finished.
As others have said your husband isn't blamless and didnt handle this well but what you do about that is up to you. Id ask him why didn't he tell you immediately the friend became inappropriate? And why didnt he tell her immediately to cease and desist?

I think I would cut her off. Never mind an apology - how could you ever trust her again?

But as others have said it has also now become clear that your husband will turn his head away from your marriage easily.

Does he have form for cheating?

Well that’s likely to be because he has much more to lose than she does.

That's where you think my advice came from? Ok... you're wrong, but you're entitled to your opinion. I thought it was helpful to give lived experience advice. But clearly you know better. Well done to you.

YANBU. She was out of order.

I would even go as far as to say that I think she might have been using the self harm bit as a distraction/sympathy tactic.

Try and concentrate on u and your DH.

Keep it that way, no contact again.