AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

[FastPearlTiger]

I recently found out that, over a period of weeks, a very close friend and my husband secretly exchanged messages that became increasingly personal and crossed appropriate boundaries, including discussing dissatisfaction in their marriages and some flirtation with her saying she found him attractive. I found out completely by accident after seeing some messages that he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour, he then told me everything.

Apparently during the contact they both recognised the situation had become inappropriate and attempted to reinstate boundaries and be normal friends, but my friend continued to message and push those boundaries while my husband tried not to reengage. She was increasingly irrational asking why he was ignoring her and then unfriending and then trying to refried him on FB. When I found out I asked him to block her on all channels.

Finding all this out was deeply upsetting, both because of the impact on my marriage and because she was a really close friend who I spoke to daily and leaned on in tough times and I believed I was the same for her, I've always been there for her and supported her. When I found out I tried to act calmly and process everything so didn't contact her for a week, apart from saying I was dealing with some stuff.

About a week later she messaged my husband from a different account and was clearly wondering if I knew and saying she trusted him 100% but needed to know if that was right. I thought it best she knew I knew so I told her but that I was still processing and not ready to talk. She reacted with significant emotional distress, no apology though just saying she loved her husband and he was her life, she sent me some worrying messages about self harm, this led me to contact her husband out of concern for her safety, I didn't tell him what she had done just said we'd fallen out.

He let me know the next day that she'd told him what had happened but had deleted most of the messages from her contact with my husband.

Since then, there has been no contact from her, and I been focusing on my marriage and my own wellbeing.

I'm struggling to get closure though and feel she should have at least apologised, is that unreasonable? It's been over a month now and she is posting a happy life on social media as if she hasn't done anything wrong.

If she didn't respect you enough to stay away from your husband, of course she doesn't respect you enough to apologise.

It would be meaningless anyway.

Describing him as her life etc. seems very extreme for just a flirty exchange, you sure it never went further?

As for your husband, why even try to repair things with a man who not only betrayed you but did so with your best friend. I couldn't come back from that.

Why are you getting on at me just because I mentioned her husband is more to blame - and he is by the way! I had the same situation with a friend problem also, but guess what, I focused on the person who had made the vows! I also had a double shit sandwich! And the OP seems to be blithely blaming only one person and it's not her shitty husband!!!! Re-read the thread title - she wants an apology from the other woman - what a joke.

Personally I wouldnt want an apology from someone who had behaved like that. It would be pointless, I would never trust them again or want them in my life and apology would just be one more thing for me to have to process. I would also assume by apologising they were expecting forgivenesss eventually and that would not be happening. Focus on your marriage and figuring out what happened there, maybe some counselling to get to the bottom of whatever unspoken feelings he was sitting on in the marriage that he hadn't voiced that may have caused him to cross a line. Im not saying you should shoulder any blame, not at all, but there are alway reasons for people allowing this kind of thing to happen and its worth it to find out what they are, and sort it out. The relationship will be stronger as a result. And forget about her, block, and delete.

She is not a friend OP.
She has ruined any hope of being a part of your life after her despicable behaviour.
You need to focus on whether you're able to forgive your husband and move forwards after his dishonesty too.

I mean, this. An apology when someone isn’t sorry is less than worthless, especially when you know she’d do it again in a heartbeat and she’s not sorry at all. She couldn’t give a fuck about losing your friendship. She was worried about all the men: she wanted your husband AND THEN she didn’t want you to tell her husband. Also, the research is in: those who post excessively over-the-top lovey-dovey shite on Facebook are almost always engaging in relationship overcompensation, and they have less satisfaction and stability in their relationship. Psychology Today cites the studies:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201811/is-social-media-pda-sign-happiness-or-overcompensation#

Block her completely and cut her out of your life, that’s your closure. No apology or anything she says will make you feel better.

Focus your attention on deciding whether your DH is worth the effort.

Because you asked “why would she apologise”? I think that this rancid woman does owe op an apology. I can think of precisely zero circumstances under which I would try it on with a friends husband but if I had? Damn right I would apologise!
And I don’t hold with this “I made no vows” bollocks that OW/OM use to justify their shitty behaviour, common decency isn’t difficult, but yes, the married party is usually “more” to blame. But when it’s your friend? Nope. Both cunts.

Both your husband and her were equally wrong in the first place-him because he presumably made marriage vows, her because it is just as wrong for a best friend to betray you as a husband. I'm not going with the idea of a woman breaking "girl code" as being worse, because we shouldn't expect women to be better than men.
But she is worse NOW if she's carrying on-and maybe to the point of stalking, if he (really) has told her to back off and she won't-if she really is harassing him, he should report it.

It was her husband she was describing as "her life" as he was clearly her only concern.

I promise you I'm not only blaming one person. But one half has explained and apologised as is making amends, the other half has acknowledged nothing

you want closure she doesnt care you wont get it from her

When it happened to me the LAST thing I wanted from her was an apology, I wanted her never to approach nor to speak to me again. I wanted her SO FAR AWAY FROM ME that we weren't in the same atmosphere. It's a dumb thing to want, because even if it happens the rot of your falling apart marriage is still there

Yup, this. Forget her, the friendship is over (and should be, trust is gone). Bigger issue is your DH and your marriage. He is of course playing down his role in this. You need to think about why he did this, and whether you can trust him again, and whether you want to. His behaviour was as bad as hers, worse actually given he’s the one married to you. I couldn’t, and wouldn’t get over this, his betrayal and with such a close friend is unforgivable. However if you feel you can, I would suggest couples counselling. He needs to acknowledge his behaviour and the impact, and why he did this.

I think it's highly unlikely that she's going to apologise so you'll have to find a way to make your peace with that.

She would be dead to me so I wouldn’t give a shit about her apology anyway. My husband would also be dead to me btw!

Lovely, it will never be enough. An apology will not fix what has happened, nor your suspicions in the future if you choose to continue this relationship. I have been brutally honest because I have been there. What actual difference would her saying sorry make - honestly? Nothing really - if you are being honest.

She's not your friend.
I'm surprised he's still your husband

Why are you working hard on your marriage and not your husband?

Block your ex friend on all channels you should have done that immediately.

Then think about whether you can ever truly trust your husband again. I couldn’t.

You don’t need an apology.
you’ve had a situation in your life that you’re struggling to cope with and you’re putting all your energy and focus on an apparent apology that you think you need to move on.
say you get the apology?? Does it change your situation?. No I don’t think so. Does it make your situation go away?. No. Does it mean your husband and your friend didn’t betray you? Also no.

it’s not needed, it won’t come and it’s a meaningless sentence.

we’re all human, we all make mistakes. We all bleed the same. You don’t need that apology. Focus on fixing your marriage if that’s important to you. That’s more important than a stupid apology from a stupid woman.

wishing you well OP 💐

Good for you, but OP clearly does want an apology. And it is not “dumb” AT ALL to want people who have hurt you, who were supposed to care about you, to apologise. That’s not “dumb” it’s hoping for basic human decency. Will op get it? Probably not, she is judging this woman by her own standards, when this woman clearly has none.

It's easier to focus on the ex friends behaviour, and lack of closure, than on the devastating betrayal of your husband. I hate to be this person, but my ex cheated on me and saved all the exchanges to a folder. Not to help him explain himself later, but truly for the memories and an ego boost to read when he felt down. The fact your DH did this rings alarm bells for me purely because it happened to me to. Maybe he did shut down further comms, but it meant enough to him to want to save the 'love letters' as it were.

Cut the idea of an apology from the friend loose. No closure will come there. She ended the friendship. She doesn't feel sorry, only self-pitying. You will not get what you want from her.

An apology from her would mean nothing. She's not a friend, she doesn't care about you. She's overstepped with your husband (and no, you're right, he was in the wrong too), she then turned herself into a victim. She's not faced what she's done, she doesn't even think she's really done that much wrong imo and I think would've carried on if not been stopped. So an apology from her is empty, even if you got one. I don't think it would give you the closure you are after.

Honestly, just let her go. She's turned out to be a massive disappointment but you can't change that, just the way you react to her. See if you can sort out your marriage (if you want that) but most of all, look after you. You must be spinning out from it all and I hope you will be ok.

Yes, you go ahead and focus on the friend, after all she is the main problem here 🙄

I suspect she would only apologise in the hopes this would somehow plaster over the mess and re-engage with you and reinstate the former friendship. Bonkers I know, but she could well be missing you as a friend, her ‘happy happy’ posts on social could well be a nonsense.

Try and erase, she’s not worthy of your thoughts, you’ve seen her character, much easier said than done I know, but please don’t give her more time, headspace call it what you will, she’s taken way too much as it is.

You found out, he didn’t tell you. That’s an issue in itself. I’d focus on that more than this former friend. Your marriage needs to heal, if this is what you both want. She isn’t important.