AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

[FastPearlTiger]

I recently found out that, over a period of weeks, a very close friend and my husband secretly exchanged messages that became increasingly personal and crossed appropriate boundaries, including discussing dissatisfaction in their marriages and some flirtation with her saying she found him attractive. I found out completely by accident after seeing some messages that he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour, he then told me everything.

Apparently during the contact they both recognised the situation had become inappropriate and attempted to reinstate boundaries and be normal friends, but my friend continued to message and push those boundaries while my husband tried not to reengage. She was increasingly irrational asking why he was ignoring her and then unfriending and then trying to refried him on FB. When I found out I asked him to block her on all channels.

Finding all this out was deeply upsetting, both because of the impact on my marriage and because she was a really close friend who I spoke to daily and leaned on in tough times and I believed I was the same for her, I've always been there for her and supported her. When I found out I tried to act calmly and process everything so didn't contact her for a week, apart from saying I was dealing with some stuff.

About a week later she messaged my husband from a different account and was clearly wondering if I knew and saying she trusted him 100% but needed to know if that was right. I thought it best she knew I knew so I told her but that I was still processing and not ready to talk. She reacted with significant emotional distress, no apology though just saying she loved her husband and he was her life, she sent me some worrying messages about self harm, this led me to contact her husband out of concern for her safety, I didn't tell him what she had done just said we'd fallen out.

He let me know the next day that she'd told him what had happened but had deleted most of the messages from her contact with my husband.

Since then, there has been no contact from her, and I been focusing on my marriage and my own wellbeing.

I'm struggling to get closure though and feel she should have at least apologised, is that unreasonable? It's been over a month now and she is posting a happy life on social media as if she hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes she should apologise but you should be concentrating on fixing your own marriage instead of fixating on her. What she did was bad but it’s your husband who made the commitment to you, direct your attention elsewhere.

Your husband doesn't sound blameless here. You probably should focus on him and your marriage.

Distance your friend and deal with your cheating husband.

She hasn't apologised because she's not sorry. And how would an apology for this work? "Sorry I've been making passes at your DH, it was an accident/joke"?
I don't think an apology would be either appropriate or believable.
Sorry you've had to find out that she's not a friend. Don't try to make things better with her, she's made it clear that she can't be trusted, and the fact that she's tried to manipulate you and your DH with threats of self-harm makes it even worse. Keep your distance. And think about how you want to deal with DH and what his responsibility in all this is.

Agree with this. Let her drift off into the past and deal with the fact your DH was easily tempted to flirt outside of your marriage.

Why would she apologise? She came on to your husband, he reciprocated. Then it blew up. Please don't be a dummy. She's waiting to see how the dust settles. Did he apologise to you? That's your pressing issue - not her.

PS. You 'found out' - he didn't admit it? You have a husband problem. He's gross isn't he?

I think an apology would be meaningless. The friendship is well and truly over and you need to focus on your DH and his part in this. What will an apology do for you? Will you believe she's actually sorry? Or just sorry you found out?

This sums in up

Because she was supposed to be ops friend? I wouldn’t care if my friends husband was Brad Pitt with a 12 inch diamond dick and £20 million in the bank, I wouldn’t ever, ever do something as scummy and low as this. Would you?
The husband is also a colossal twat. Doesn’t change the fact that the “friend” should apologise! They both should be bloody grovelling!

I am well aware of that and have been working hard to fix my marriage. Yes he has of course apologised but I find I'm struggling with the lack of closure on my friendship.

Has your husband apologised? Obviously you are upset with her but I think you are getting distracted from the real issue with your husband here.

She clearly isn't your friend... and I'd just forget about her tbh.

I'd be more focused on the husband. He sounds like s dirty piece of crap himself. I think you're fixating on the wrong person here. Your friend didn't make vows to you... he did and you seem to be putting all the blame on her.

Ooooh - OP 💐

I feel like you're barking up the wrong tree here for closure. Barking up an easier tree, if you will, than the husband tree.

An apology from your x friend would be an empty gesture. I'm sure she's sorry for herself that it's all gone tits up and she's been shown up for the bitch she is. Leave her now and turn to sorting your marriage.

Cool your jets. No I wouldn't - I got divorced because my husband cheated on me. With someone I worked with and was our mutual friend. So I KNOW this situation, chum! It was far more his fault than hers. Even if I still call her pelican face to this day! I didn't say they shouldn't both be grovelling did I? Cool it off a bit. Blimey.

You’re right, she should have apologised. But, she’s a knob. I’d forget about her and move on with your lives. She’s not worth it.

You’re right, but he did close it down and she repeatedly tried to restart it.

Why are doing the work to fix your marriage? This is his shit to fix.

Other than apologise, is he doing the hard work needed to try and fix the broken trust?

I think if your closure requires an apology you will be struggling for a long time - sorry. I've been there and it's horrible.

Can I suggest that perhaps it's more about struggling to make the transition in your head of her as a friend into her as an untrustworthy villain in your story. It takes a while to catch up mentally and reframe that person as someone who doesn't care about you. It's especially hard as you're having to put them both in separate categories (her, betrayed you and no longer worth your time. Him, betrayed you but possibly worth figuring things out with) and that screws with your head in an extra special sort of way. Take your time to process and have no expectations of ever seeing her or receiving any apologies or closure. I would actively avoid any contact with them now. She's living in a mess of her own making and clearly has no bandwidth to consider your feelings.

Take.your time with your husband and don't let anyone hurry or pressure you about making decisions.

So he says. He only fessed up when he was caught.

An apology would be absolutely meaningless from a marriage wrecking bitch like that. What she deserves is to be cut off and ghosted by you until the end of time.
If she was sorry she wouldnt have started this.
Id dump him as well.

Eh? My jets are perfectly cool thanks, but I simply cannot imagine ever doing this to someone I consider a “friend”. Or even someone I don’t, for that matter.
For everyone saying op has a husband problem, obviously she absolutely does. But the poor woman has both a husband AND a friend problem. That sounds like a double shit sandwich for op and whilst the husband is clear horrendous, the shitty “friend” is also not blameless. Vile behaviour from both of them.

Thank you, exactly how I feel

OP, I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't give her a second thought. My marriage, on the other hand...

You’re asking the wrong source.

When you chase closure from another person, you’re basically saying ‘explain this in a way that makes my pain go away’. That’s a tall order, and usually impossible.

She likely doesn’t fully understand her own behaviour, would avoid honesty to protect herself or give you answers that raise more questions.

There’s rarely a clean, satisfying answer or an apology you could accept. The answers or apology will feel incomplete. Your brain will keep searching for a deeper meaning that simply isn’t there, because your brain wants certainty, not truth. You think if you just understand it fully, you’ll feel better. In reality, understanding and relief are not the same thing.

Closure is something you create, not receive. It isn’t an explanation, an apology or a final conversation. Instead focus on acceptance over explanation, boundaries and what YOU have learnt.