AIBU to expect an apology after my friend crossed boundaries with my husband?

[FastPearlTiger]

I recently found out that, over a period of weeks, a very close friend and my husband secretly exchanged messages that became increasingly personal and crossed appropriate boundaries, including discussing dissatisfaction in their marriages and some flirtation with her saying she found him attractive. I found out completely by accident after seeing some messages that he'd saved in a shared folder as he was worried about her behaviour, he then told me everything.

Apparently during the contact they both recognised the situation had become inappropriate and attempted to reinstate boundaries and be normal friends, but my friend continued to message and push those boundaries while my husband tried not to reengage. She was increasingly irrational asking why he was ignoring her and then unfriending and then trying to refried him on FB. When I found out I asked him to block her on all channels.

Finding all this out was deeply upsetting, both because of the impact on my marriage and because she was a really close friend who I spoke to daily and leaned on in tough times and I believed I was the same for her, I've always been there for her and supported her. When I found out I tried to act calmly and process everything so didn't contact her for a week, apart from saying I was dealing with some stuff.

About a week later she messaged my husband from a different account and was clearly wondering if I knew and saying she trusted him 100% but needed to know if that was right. I thought it best she knew I knew so I told her but that I was still processing and not ready to talk. She reacted with significant emotional distress, no apology though just saying she loved her husband and he was her life, she sent me some worrying messages about self harm, this led me to contact her husband out of concern for her safety, I didn't tell him what she had done just said we'd fallen out.

He let me know the next day that she'd told him what had happened but had deleted most of the messages from her contact with my husband.

Since then, there has been no contact from her, and I been focusing on my marriage and my own wellbeing.

I'm struggling to get closure though and feel she should have at least apologised, is that unreasonable? It's been over a month now and she is posting a happy life on social media as if she hasn't done anything wrong.

They’re both arseholes. Depends on how you describe your friend. My bf I’ve known for 35 years so nearly double my dh. I’d be more pissed off at her though my marriage would still be over.

Sorry voted YABU to you getting an apology. Your husband is not to be trusted and your friend needs to blocked and out of your life.

I’m willing to bet her husband hasn’t ben told the whole truth

Sorry OP, but the fact that she hasn’t apologised (nor will), is her message to you that you actually not worth her time or are a priority. What would apologising actually achieve anyway, and why are you leaving ‘closure’ on her. Move on, she was not a friend, fix the problem that you do have (cheating husband) instead of wasting energy and headspace on a problem you don’t want to have (cheating friend) or do something that gives you closure, if you couldn’t rely on her to be a decent person then why are you expecting it now?

She doesn’t need to apologise. She tried to take you husband and have an affair. That alone tells you everything . She isn’t a friend and doesn’t owe you an apology. He picked you over her so now you both need to work on it.

because in theory yes morally shes omg friend, but strictly speaking your dh made the vows to be faithful, unless you signed a friendship agreement (think big bang theory with sheldon) then your friend does not have to have any vows etc

Your husband had an emotional affair with your friend, moved the messages to a special folder for re-reads, points the finger solely at your friend when you find out, and now has you working hard on the marriage. Wowsers. He really is king of the castle.

I work abroad a lot so I know there are a lot of countries where the cheated on spouse can sue the affair partner. So I get the human impulse to seek closure from your ex-friend. It is futile, however.

Be clear in your mind - your husband should be on his hands and knees right now working hard on your marriage, not you.

Your friend is the least of your problems, frankly.

It is very clear that the closure of the friendship needs no further explanation.
She was out of line, yes, she should have apologised but possibly is now highly embarrassed. Understand that she can not be a trusted friend ever again.
There is nothing more to understand nor to process.

Focus on your husband and rebuild trust there.
He needs to be pulling the finger out and leaving no stone unturned in regaining your trust.

I trust my husband 100% but I still would not allow my friendship group to have a friendship with him on fb or other social backgrounds or have each others personal phone numbers. I dont have his friends or work mates numbers or socials either. We have boundaries and we dont have temptations. Your husbands first response should have been to tell her she is being inappropriate and he didnt, thats saying something about your husbands temptations and the need for outside attention from his marriage. Id actually be wondering if this is not the first time, only the first time he has been caught. The friendship is over, she does not care, she knew what she was doing and was more then happy to take it as far as your husband would allow. What matter now is what your going to do about the husband that was willing to cheat on you. He was not an innocent bystanders, he was an instigator. Its probably not something you will easily get past.

She should apologise but there again, I don’t know many people who would do that in the first place so I wouldn’t go holding my breath. You need to find a way to let it go. Perhaps block her on social media or see less of her posts if that’s setting you off.

Not sure of the point of an apology. Would it make you feel better to hear her say, ‘Sorry I tried to shag your husband’? or ‘Sorry I got caught trying to shag your husband’? Your husband is the bigger problem. Your friend is a piece of shit, but then so is he.

It takes two to tango as they say, so why is it always the woman in these situations that gets most of the flack?!

YABU she wouldn't be sorry, it would be used against you by her as a manipulation tactic, she doesn't need to know you're bothered by her at all, and your husband and you need to talk and sort things out, IMO

This sounds similar to the situation that unfolded publicly in recent weeks for one of the Aussie AFL players, Lachie Neale whose wife separated immediately from him. Her ex-best friend has come across as completely oblivious and posting ‘glamorous shots’ while her marriage has also fallen apart.

Jules Neale got it right. Best to leave it all behind (in her case she is a very beautiful and a smart business woman and has landed in her feet quite classily and elegantly).

Really sorry OP.

You can’t expect the woman to behave properly here (as she has demonstrated she doesn’t).

What actions has your husband taken to repair things with you?

She's not going to apologise as she's clearly not sorry. She's still pursuing your husband. She's only sorry that you found out what was going on between them

Why are you working so hard on your marriage?

I mean, he’s the one who fucked up massively.

What’s he doing?

The ow is an irrelevance here, friend or not. If it wasn’t her, it would have been someone else. She’s just flagged up what a weak, cock-led little creep your h is.

Dump.

She's not a friend.

So he told you everything because he got caught?

Her apology is least of your worries OP. It would be hollow and meaningless at best as she clearly did not GAF about you or her DH when she was getting her kicks messaging your other half. That tells you all you need to know. Cut her off completely. No engagement. No tracking her social media. Make sure your DH does the same. He’s the one you are owed an apology from and who should be making it up to you.

Why are you making this all about you?

Has your H apologised to her H though or is he just focusing on you? If so, then they are both doing the same. They are both aware that they have screwed up their marriages over something that obviously didn’t matter too much to them so why do it and are trying to do damage limitation where they can. She can’t apologise to you because there is no good explanation she can give. She’s a shitty friend. Let her go.

I agree that an apology from her wouldn't mean much, especially if she's likely to try manipulative strategies to gain your sympathy. 'Closure' might be more easily gained by telling her you won't be continuing the friendship and then blocking your contacts with her. It will be hurtful as you saw her as a close friend, but perhaps not as messy as waiting for some kind of acknowledgement from her that'll never come.

This is good advice. I wouldn’t want an apology from her - unless she has some kind of genuine excuse like she had some sort of psychotic break or something but that’s unlikely isn’t it. Much more likely she’s just a selfish person who never really cared about you in the first place. I’d never want to see her again