Child wants to move overseas

[Gremlinsmoothie]

My 18 year old daughter was supposed to be going to university in the uk in September, just an hour or so from where we live.
she has now dropped the bomb in us telling us she wants to study in south east Asia instead. This is because he current boyfriend, who she has known for 6 months is returning there to his home country. She wants to go with him.
I think this is a crazy idea but don’t know if I’m being biased & selfish because I don’t want my child living on the other side of the world.

Does anyone have any experience of this & have any advice? My fear is that she will go, love the lifestyle & not return, & she will no longer be much of a part of my life. I’m also worried about health care & emergencies, maybe I’m overthinking.

Well, the big ones are cost, language barriers, elibility and visas. Have any of these been considered?

It sounds like a great adventure, but understandably you will miss her. What country is it?

Study what? Where? How much?
Has she actually looked into it?

Will she actually be able to study there? If it is completely doable and she knows the practicalities, will be able to support herself independently of him etc then it sounds like a wonderful adventure. She can always come back and study here later if it doesn't work out.

If they can afford it - so be it.

but if they are expecting you to fund it - then I think a big conversation is in order!

I think basing your next three years of education on a relationship of six months is daft, whether you are moving two or twenty hours away. How about deferring for a year so she can travel there and work temporarily to see how it works out?

It sounds like wishful thinking really. Do you think she's capable of applying for a place at a university in south east asia and living independantly? Let her apply - she probaby won't see it through when she sees how much work is involved.

Tell her to crack on and keep you up to date with her research into the practicalities of such an adventure. Act totally breezy. I'll bet she won't end up going.

Realistically you will not be able to stop her but i would play along and ask questions, how will you afford live, how many hours will you need to work to cover tuition and living, ask her about what visa she will need, travel insurance. Sew the seeds of what she needs without telling her and seeming obstructive. It is probably unlikely she will actually be able to do it as she thinks but she is 18 and ds went to New Zealand at 18, but he has come home but he could have gone for 3 years. You have to let her go ultimately.

I agree with @CallingOnTheMegaphone. She should look into visas, money, language barrier, etc

Importantly - is the course that'll she take accredited in her field? For example if she does biomedical science would she come out with a qualification she can use - or would it need to be topped up? My hunch is it won't get off the ground.

Yup this is how I’d act. ‘Oh wow that’s awesome.’ Let her do the research and work out the logistics - I very much doubt she’ll be able to.

She had looked into & realising that financially it will be difficult & she’s left herself with very little time to get this sorted, she is considering working there for a year before starting a course. She’s never even had a job here though.
And financially I don’t think things will change much in a year, we are still happy to support her financially, but only up to the same amount we would have been paying here.
I just remember going to university & finding the changes so difficult, but I could hop on a train & go back home when needed. She’s not going to be able to do that .

This is the kind of approach I have taken so far. I’m sure her boyfriend is helping her out with all of this stuff though.

yep be relaxed about it and say brilliant and see how far she actually gets with planning it.

what country is it

It’s Malaysia

She's not a child, shes an adult and can, therefore, make her own decisions.
It could be a huge disaster or it could be wildly successful but it's her call not yours.

As a year out idea it's not the worst. She can reassess where she actually wants to go to Uni once she has been there a little while. Sounds like you have the money to get her back quickly if it all goes south.

It sounds as though she hasn't really researched it. There are usually fairly stringent language requirements. I'm not sure how the fees work.

There are some world class universities there, and she could get an excellent qualification. The lifestyle can be also be better than here, but it really depends on where exactly she wants to go.

It does sound like a spur-of-the-moment thing, based on a relationship that may be compelling at the moment, but could easily burn out. It doesn't sound as though she is taking a very mature approach to this. Tbh, I suspect she will find it much harder to get work, or to get a uni place than she realises.

It’s is my call if I’m funding it . But I'm not asking the question “do I let her go?”, I’m asking if I’m unreasonable to be worried & upset about it.

Thank you, you have highlighted all my concerns really concisely here.

This may be the first “big mistake” she makes in her life, and you just have to make sure you’re there to hold her hand when it doesn’t work out. You can’t tell her not to go.

Malaysia is brilliant. I’d give her my blessing, if that’s what she wanted. Travel widens the mind. She’ll have an incredible experience even if things don’t work out with her partner. She’s an ideal age to go.

A friend of mine went at 17 with his then girlfriend. They’re married now. They live here but spend two months a year there with her family. I’m sure there’s lots of cases that have worked out less well but she’d get a lot out of it regardless.

Has your dd actually researched if it's feasible to study there? Things may have changed now but at one stage places were prioritised for ethnic Malays - I know several Malaysians of Chinese heritage who left to study in Europe due to the difficulty in getting a place in their home country.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in worrying and being upset about it. You’re her mum, that’s normal and natural 🫶 personally as a mum of adult kids, I think you’ve got to let her go and find out. Sure you’ll miss her and worry about her, but equally she’s an adult who has to be allowed to find out what awaits her. She’ll only you resent you if you don’t. Of course we all know the boy might not last, of course we know she’s probably feeling first love and the boy is clouding everything but equally you don’t want an adult women resenting not going and blaming everything that goes wrong in her life on the fact she didn’t go. I feel for you, no one wants their child so far away from home 🫶

No of course not. However she needs to take the lead and do the research first - visa, uni course, funding options, accommodation, flights and time difference - then you can talk through practicalities and costs. If she can’t/won’t she is not mature enough to go! Could she work here first to fund it?