Child wants to move overseas

[Gremlinsmoothie]

My 18 year old daughter was supposed to be going to university in the uk in September, just an hour or so from where we live.
she has now dropped the bomb in us telling us she wants to study in south east Asia instead. This is because he current boyfriend, who she has known for 6 months is returning there to his home country. She wants to go with him.
I think this is a crazy idea but don’t know if I’m being biased & selfish because I don’t want my child living on the other side of the world.

Does anyone have any experience of this & have any advice? My fear is that she will go, love the lifestyle & not return, & she will no longer be much of a part of my life. I’m also worried about health care & emergencies, maybe I’m overthinking.

I went to university abroad.

It was a great experience. It was indeed harder being in a totally new country but it was wonderful and have no regrets.

HOWEVER: 1) it was a very considered decision and based on some exceptional academic opportunities that I wanted to have access to and 2) I was doing it for MY benefit, not for a fucking boyfriend.

You need to nip this in the bud. I woiuld sit her down and ask her very detailed questions about how it will work, where she will live etc to make her realize what an idiot she is being.

If she doesn't, you wish her well on her adventures, tell her you love her but are sending her £0 to fund this plan but will fund her when she comes back to the UK.

You don't fund it. Of course you are worried YANBU.

Well tuition fees are much more expensive for international students in the UK than British citizens. If the same is true in Malaysia you have every right to say, sorry, that's not in our budget.
Also think it's reasonable to say you're not willing to take the financial risk, considering the relationship may not last forever. So many student couples split up in the first year.

I think there are two issues here.

The first is the idea of studying for her degree overseas rather than in the UK. Tuition fees means that the cost differential is no longer the factor it was, although she will probably need to be able to pay fees up front as she won't be eligible for a loan. Is that even feasible? And as PPs have said, there may be language criteria she will need to fulfil, and she will need to verify any professional qualifications. Starting a course this autumn seems highly unlikely.

The other (much more worrying) issue IMO is that she is changing her plans to fit in with a man. Massive, massive red flag, and I would be equally worried if one of my DC aged 18 suddenly switched to a different UK university in order to be with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

There is a possible compromise... many UK universities have overseas campuses, as an example, De Montford has branches in Cambodia, Kazakhstan and yes, possibly Malaysia. She could then either study in the UK with a year in Malaysia or vice versa... You would feel happier knowing she's getting a 'UK quality' education abd that it would be easier for her to transfer if things didn't work out. She gets the adventure of bring an overseas student.

So has she investigated visa options for the year working? And job opportunities for an unqualified 18 year old who presumably doesn’t speak the local languages.
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Off course op can have a very big opinion - she is funding this. And in no way is this young teen an adult. She’s only 18. And she’s running after a man. Clearly not mature or old enough to be an adult and making big decisions. I would be asking her what’s her big plan for her education and future. What’s her detailed plan, not the one that revolves around her boyfriend

I’m assuming she has done all the research - being an adult (?) that she can go to said country to study . Lots of things I’m sure she has considered - funding, language, visas, cost of living, availability of accommodation, like for like comparisons of subjects and degrees she’s wants to study with the UK and other countries , transferability of qualifications across international boundaries, what are her proposals for a social network in a country where she has no friends / family - the list goes on. Once she is able to answer all of these questions then I’m sure the pipe dream can translate into reality and a once in a life time fantastic experience.

“she is considering working there for a year before starting a course”

OP, there is the minor detail that she needs a work permit, which needs to be applied for by the company she’s working for. She can’t just rock up and get a job! As for university, international students are expected to be self-funded. She really hasn’t thought this through!

Keep an eye on the home student factor of if she goes away in the 3 years before a course starting. I think either Southampton or Newcastle or another big one has a campus i Malaysia- would that be a good compromise?

Several more than I thought! Key institutions include the University of Nottingham Malaysia, Heriot-Watt University Malaysia, University of Southampton Malaysia, University of Reading Malaysia, and Newcastle University Medicine Malaysia (NUMed)

The positive in this is that she’s young enough for failure (personal, professional, academic) to not have a meaningful impact on her life goals. In a way, if she fails it would have been an amazing learning opportunity, and if she succeeds: well that’s would be even more amazing. What you wouldn’t want is for her to fall into low-paid work, taking her eye off the studying-ball, just drift into a situation she surfaces from aged 26 or whatever and return to a U.K. 8 years down the line with even worse job prospects for her. I’d think long and hard about how I’d structure any financial support I’d give her (while losing sleep that life would be way worse if I extended no support at all). Gah. Young people. She has the whole world at her feet - only you will know if she’s got what it takes.

She's very young to be throwing up all her life plans for a guy from thousands of miles away who she's only known for six months. It all sounds very impulsive. Is she usually like this?

Just set money aside for her flight home. Friends daughter went to New Zealand following a boyfriend. At the end of his degree once he'd qualified the relationship collapsed. She couldn't stay so mum and dad paid for her to come back

I think 2 things are going on.. The desire to be in Malaysia to be with bf... And, the desire to study and do a degree.

I feel doing both at once is unlikely and prone to failure given her age, work experience, financial circumstances and worldliness.

Rather than enrol on a course and have large overseas tuition fees upfront - Singapore to the south is one of the costliest places to live and study in the world - I'd be giving her 2 grand for a gap year in Malaysia and the wake-up call that £2k, after flights etc, will barely stretch 2 months, even on beans and rice, where beans and rice costs 10p. That's 'if' she gets a work visa, which I doubt she will - she's not a teacher, nurse, anything they need 'yet'.

It will be a time of real growing up, whatever happens. A time to be entrepreneurial, and really open her eyes... And test that relationship!

As someone who went to Australia in similar circumstances, once the money ran out, and real life kicked in, I soon realised that it wasn't the place my partner had built it up in my head. Nor was he.... It was 2 months of heaven (spending my parents money), 2 months of ok and awkwardness (relying on his friends and family and spending my savings) 2 months of real struggle and 2 weeks of realising I'd hit the end of the road when I was down to camping in tents and my tent was broken. Then 2 days of travel home...

The idea of enrolling in a degree at say Brisbane Uni would have been crackers. I could have 'if' my parents had opened their wallets (they didn't at that level), but even if they did, there's no way I would have completed a degree unless I was swimming in their cash and a few years older.

Why is he returning home, OP?

How did she meet him?

Yabu to worry that she'll love it so much she doesn't come back. That would be sad for you, but it's her life. But a much more reasonable worry imo is that it will all go to shit with the boyfriend and she'll be stranded or vulnerable a long way from home. Can't she defer for a year and stress-test this relationship before deciding?

Whilst I partly agree with the sentiment in this comment it actually made me really laugh. My quote of the day is" ....in no way is this young teen an adult,she is only 18"

FWIW, my youngest announced at Christmas she was moving to Germany and flew out a week later. She hopes to start a Uni course in October. She is loving life at present and has massively grown in confidence since being there. She is 19. But not quite so far from home.

https://www.prospects.ac.uk/postgraduate-study/study-abroad/study-in-malaysia/

I'd add - I know people who are malaysian and have moved back after british schooling and found the culture shock, particular in how women's roles are perceived, very very hard. Their malaysian partner went from being more "western" in their attitudes to not being very quickly.

I have been on holiday to various parts of Malaysia., Borneo & Singapore

I agree some parts are extremely expensive

It is extremely hot & humid 24x7x365

Your DD should definitely visit first before making any decisions & investigate cost, health, cultural differences, finances, religion, work or study visas, language

Not so many freedoms for females, as in UK

www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/malaysia/entry-requirements

I’d not be funding that, at all.

Does the boyfriend know you'll be helping with the bills? Could he be banking on this money?

Tbh I would hold off on that offer for a while. Let her work out the costs without you.

You can always help out if it comes to it.

The government is advising against all but essential travel to Malaysia so she really hasn’t thought this through has she?

She needs to do thorough research on whether it is even possible for her to move there re visas, education, accommodation, savings, employment etc. Where does she envision that she will live? Malaysia is a country of several official religions but is Muslim majority so living with her boyfriend may not be acceptable.

I visited Malaysia and Singapore on holiday years ago and thoroughly enjoyed both but she really needs to visit a country before deciding to emigrate.