Child wants to move overseas

[Gremlinsmoothie]

My 18 year old daughter was supposed to be going to university in the uk in September, just an hour or so from where we live.
she has now dropped the bomb in us telling us she wants to study in south east Asia instead. This is because he current boyfriend, who she has known for 6 months is returning there to his home country. She wants to go with him.
I think this is a crazy idea but don’t know if I’m being biased & selfish because I don’t want my child living on the other side of the world.

Does anyone have any experience of this & have any advice? My fear is that she will go, love the lifestyle & not return, & she will no longer be much of a part of my life. I’m also worried about health care & emergencies, maybe I’m overthinking.

Surely you just say " sorry we don't have the financial means to pay for you to do that?"
Just because she says she wants it. Doesn't mean she gets it.
Channel zammo and just say no!

I’m sorry, I hadn’t factored in the student loans, that makes a big difference.

Maybe she could start working, flog her wardrobe on Vinted, and self fund a trip out in the summer. I guess that would show everyone how keen she is for this opportunity and give her an insight into where she is considering spending the next few years. Malaysia can be a big culture shock, and often the only way to truly make up your mind as a young adult is to jump in at the deep end.

In your shoes, I think I'd be suggesting a gap year with a visit to Malaysia on a tourist visa. She could also consider year abroad courses. Maybe aim for the visit to be later on in the year and she could work beforehand to contribute to it. Should she have broken up with her boyfriend by then she can easily put the money towards some other fun experience or just have extra fun money for university.

We kind of did do this. She’s talking about using her savings to pay for it ) from an inheritance) but that money was supposed to be things like putting a depot in a house, plus it won’t pay for the whole year, not alone 3 years of course fees.

Sensible suggestion.
one issue though- she hasn’t been able to get a job here so far, not through want of trying. She’s applied to so many & not even been offered an interview. It’s on the back burner now however because of pending exams.

Definitely don't subsidise her. If she can pay for herself then that's up to her but don't make it easier for her.

Once she looks at the costs and realises she has to self fund I guarantee it will become a much less attractive idea to her.

Just let her know that it's her decision but you won't be helping with cost so she should plan accordingly. Then sit back and say nothing.

Don't forget flights, insurance, especially medical insurance (the roads are deadly), currency exchange rates, hope you have a lot of money in the bank...

Good idea about contraception. A few chats about drugs too might be a good idea - the local police are pretty corrupt and the punishment for anything to do with drugs is awful. Years in prison with local courts v biased.

I think it's great that you are thinking of bankrolling her though... The tropical rainforests are stunning out there, the animal life and beaches are paradise, it's full of tourist resorts, she will have an amazing amount of fun once everything is in place and paid up.

If you watch the Leonardo di caprio film "the beach" Malaysia is v similar to there (Thailand in the late 1990s). Less developed, picture postcard, hedonistic resorts. V cool for a teenager.

There's often work for the backpacker types in the Malaysian palm plantations. Palm oil is booming, so she might get work there if she can get a work visa.

In my early 20s I worked in rubber plantations in South East Asia. We got 3 dollars an hour but it was fun and there were lots of good looking men so we all did it. The 3 dollars were fine as local wages, plus it was cash in hand.

I’ve got kids same age as yours now but I was desperate to get out of my home town at that age and I did. Honestly, it was the best thing I ever did.

Yes, my Mum hated it, but I still have a great relationship with my family via FaceTime and texting and I visit once or twice a year. I’ve lived in multiple countries and cultures and have had career and advancement opportunities that I’d never have had in the UK. Living abroad is a fantastic opportunity for many people, don’t discourage her too much.

So true. I watch Ben fogle new lives in the wild and people often seem really happy living v different lives to those in the UK.

Foreign men are sexier too, all tanned, cultured, so much better than a boy from Bradford (my home town).

If you can work out a plan with her, it'll be an amazing opportunity for her, boyfriend or not... Things change 😁

After A levels my DD1 applied to uni got the course she wanted, deferred the place, and went to NZ. Initially for a year, she did 4 jobs between June and April and totally funded it herself. She went with a boyfriend and they both worked various jobs their and travelled to other places nearer to that side of the world. The friend left to do other things and DD1 stayed another year working and travelling. She is a very organised and capable person enjoyed it but realised she did NOT want to live outside the UK permanently (thankfully). She did go to uni, got a good degree and lived in a few cities before settling back very near to me. She has an amazing job and the travelling, organising made her very capable and confident.
I would as others have said be open to it, but would make her fund it herself initially. And say you will only fund when she starts studying (uni) otherwise if it goes wrong (young ppl and relationships odds are it will) she will want to come home and go to uni here and you will pay twice.

You don’t need to do anything of the sort!

If my DS18 put this to us he’d be told that we don’t have the money for the fees. Simple as that.

I’d suggest she takes a tefl course here and goes for a gap year out there. She can come back here if it doesn’t work out and she can support herself by teaching English

Can't the boyfriend help with money, rent, travel? He must come from a wealthy malay family and if they are planning their lives as a couple, that should really include finances when the girl is alone on the other side of the planet with different languages, religions, no public health care and so on?

DD had the same issue in her last year of school. She really wanted a job and applied for lots of stuff. Once she'd left school, she literally went up and down the high street with a bunch of printed out CVs and got lucky because she happened to go into a shop that was looking for staff so I would say just persevere and it might well be easier once she's left school and has more availability.

And it was great with the boyfriend situation (I didn't like him and was proved right eventually) since she made a bunch of new friends at work and had other people to hang out with. She wasn't so dependent on the boyfriend which helped loads when it came to them splitting up.

Can unmarried couples live together in the same bed in the muslim parts of the country?

Are there consequences?

Let her sort it but make it clear that you will not be funding any of this. She wants to do her own thing? Okay, but she has to sort all the logistics, and wish her the best with it. You never know, she might step up to the challenge and it’ll be the making of her!

This

Theres no point going into logic.

This is a hare brained scheme that has no legs.

Ask lots of questions in a way that you might about your next door neighbours holidays, oh thats nice dear, oh when is that going to be? Oh got your visa yet? Oh, when will you have the money for that then? Oh, whats the accommodation like?

and so on

They are not planning to live together as far as I know, she talking about uni accommodation

I don’t want her to be financially dependent on him, they only met 6 months ago. I’d the relationship breaks down where does that leave her? He is also a student so any money he has is coming from his family.
I wouldn’t expect to financially support him if the roles were reversed.

I think that he is likely to have a Chevening Scholarship, which has allowed him to come to the UK for a post-graduate course.

One of the stipulations is that scholars have to leave the UK when their course ends, with a further stipulation that they spend the following 2 years in their home countries.

This is probably why he has to leave the UK later this year.

He must be around 23.

This is a difficult situation and I feel for you, OP.

For an 18 year old woman, everything should be pośsible, including studying what she wants, where she wants.

It sounds to me as though her options are about to become narrower, which is a real shame.

Op it would be a bit of a life lesson for her that when you are an adult you don’t just get to go and do what you want - she wants to move to Malaysia - mummy won’t just say yes dear of course !

she wants a gap year or to go to uni abroad - sort it out herself and apply and work to save up and pay for it

i did working holiday visas at 21 & 22
and I had to work my arse off for saving like crazy to afford it living with my parents of course (they didn’t charge me rent which obviously helped massively) then I had to get jobs super fast on arrival to afford to stay there

I had a fun year not working in Asia that I saved up for too

it wasn’t handed to me and I wasn’t helped at all and tbh

most people who do these kind of things sort it and pay themselves surely

she’s so young - so I’d leave her to it and likely she won’t pull it off !!

could you suggest she starts uni here and maybe you could help oh for her to visit Malaysia over Xmas for example ?

then if she proper likes it and wants to make a go of it then she could make the move next summer - which seems way more sensible

That's what I told my parents when I was 18....

I also said I intended to stay a virgin though that ship had sailed long before.

Oh and I would never smoke...

"Tell parents what they want to hear" = smart 18yr old!

OP, in one of your posts, you say "She's not hugely sociable".

It sounds as though she's somewhat isolated as far as her peer group is concerned. I imagine that she is quite shy.

She would be even more isolated in a country where she doesn't speak the language.

I think that your concerns are very well-founded, given the fuller picture.

If she knows she's got an inheritance of x thousands sitting in a bank account, plus parents willing to pay fir a UK education, she probably thinks she will be minted living in a country where half the population struggle to make 50 dollars a day...

I think she's got it all worked out in her head, and logistically not at all.

18yr old boys think with their organ, girls with their romanticised hearts...

It does on paper sound v romantic and cool, so long as the money keeps flowing :)