Child wants to move overseas

[Gremlinsmoothie]

My 18 year old daughter was supposed to be going to university in the uk in September, just an hour or so from where we live.
she has now dropped the bomb in us telling us she wants to study in south east Asia instead. This is because he current boyfriend, who she has known for 6 months is returning there to his home country. She wants to go with him.
I think this is a crazy idea but don’t know if I’m being biased & selfish because I don’t want my child living on the other side of the world.

Does anyone have any experience of this & have any advice? My fear is that she will go, love the lifestyle & not return, & she will no longer be much of a part of my life. I’m also worried about health care & emergencies, maybe I’m overthinking.

To parts of Malaysia, that should say.

Honestly?

I’d encourage it. Massive opportunity. What’s the worst that could happen- she packs up and comes home. Now is the time in her life to do it.

i think her plan of working for a year first is a good one. Then she’s not committed to the full course length, you don’t have to fund it, and she can save some money while she figures things out.

i’d support it in the same way I’d support a year out. Help with visa’s, work permits, practicalities. Maybe enough money to help her through the first months.

A quick google shows there are variety of schemes for a year out in Malaysia. TEFL, for example.

then she has a year to figure out uni.

uk uni will still be here if she needs.

Maybe she would be better taking a gap year and travelling there. Defer uni for a year. But she would need to work before she goes to save money for it

Good for her, I’d encourage her to get away from the UK.

That's clearly untrue about the essential travel only. That covers a very small part of the country. It's only a small part of Borneo affected

I totally get why you’re worried.

Upset though? Upset that you’ll miss her, yes fine. But she is legally an adult, able to make her own decisions, whether those are good or bad ones!

I went, not abroad, but to the other end of the country to university following a man. Terrible reason, he was a dick and we broke up fairly quickly, but excellent decision, never would have ended up in that location otherwise and it was the making of me.

Be clear to her how much you’re willing to fund and for how long (which I would suggest is the same as you would fund if she stayed in the UK. Presumably if she took a year out to work here you wouldn’t fund anything). Let her do the research and make the decision. Don’t be overly critical, she needs to be able to come to you and say she’s made a mistake. And perhaps if she does go, set aside the money for an emergency return flight home.

And how is she going to afford the £20,000+ fees plus living expenses a year for this?

University of Nottingham has a campus in Malaysia so you can study in both uk and Malaysia and switch And you get a uk qualification at the end.

I used to live in Malaysia. If the boyfriend has been studying in the UK, he probably has family money. Will they be living together in Malaysia? It is a mainly muslim country and how he treats your daughter could be remarkably different once back in his home country. We even had the religious police checking up on our female domestic staff once.

You are right to be worried for all sorts of reasons, perhaps not education related, but relationship related that could then have knock on effects in other areas. Eighteen is very young to be doing this to follow a man.

Are there opportunities via the university here she'd planned/hoped to go to where she could do a year studying/working abroad as part of her degree?

Many also do short term summer placements abroad. That might be a good backup option if there isn't time to sort it out yet now.?

Whatever she chooses, and whether you fund it or not, I'd try not to let your worries run wild, or your fears about her staying their "forever" and that you'd miss her too much.

Ultimately she is an adult and it's better for your relationship in the long term for you to just trust, support and guide her in making her own decisions, encouraging the exploring and taking of opportunities where they present themselves - and knowing you are always a safe place to return to (physically and metaphorically!) if things do go wrong/relationship doesnt work out etc.

She'll learn so much from the whole experience, good bits and bad bits!

I think as mums we will always worry about our kids making the "best" choices and being safe, but that's for us to deal with, not to burden them with being responsible for our emotions, and end up making choices that WE think are right for them rather than letting them find their own way amd build their own judgement and resilience.

I do think, although its reasonable/to be expected that you feel emotional about the distance, missing her and cautious about the practicalities of the change of plans, YABU if you are sharing your worries with her as outlined in your OP.

If she chooses NOT to go because you poo-pooh it/don't agree with it/refuse to fund her studies/ridicule the length of the relationship/minimise her feelings/tell her it's a ridiculous idea/scare monger/tell her she'll be homesick/scoff at her lack of work experience etc. chances are you will create an insurmountable distance between you anyway.

My 18 yo also off to uni this September, which will also include tome abroad, and im simultaneously excited/nervous/worried for them. I know its a big change and its ok to want them to do things safely - just get the balance right xx

It sounds like an amazing opportunity for her.

However, best to have a back up plan in case it doesn’t work out.

That is how I would play it.

@Gremlinsmoothie

Have you met her boyfriend, OP?I

How old is he and what does he do as a job?

I chose a uni (in uk) for a boyfriend and I regret it a bit (stayed together until 26 but wasn’t all happy).
when making the decision at 17 I tired to be very sensible and visited the campus with the mindset of ‘if we broke up in freshers week could I still be happy here and have my own fun enjoyable life here and fit in’ and I decided yes so I went for it. could she truly say the same?

another point to remind her of is uni holidays are so long! 5 months of the year practically. She could spend all her holidays out there with him if she wanted to. And keep in touch on zoom in the meantime. And do a gap year there after uni and move there properly or get married and bring him back at age 23 if she wanted. I would encourage her to think of it like this - if he’s the right guy he’ll support this.

Good idea. She could ask her current uni to defer their offer and do a gap year there and also apply to Malaysian uni. I think you have to be 19 to get into a tefl course but she might find something or a gap year scheme. She could also train to ve a scuba dive teacher out there

I would be focusing on the what ifs?
What if she does a year and wants to comd home? Is the credit for that year transferable?
Can she defer her place here for a year, go to Malaysia as a gap year and see what she thinks?

Ps my friend has lived in hk for nearly 20 years and has an extremely close relationship with her mum in uk they regularly holiday together (helps that friend is a teacher)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment, I’ve found most of the post really helpful & do feel a little better about it.
I can’t answer all the questions unfortunately as way too many.
I have met the boyfriend & I have no concerns about him. She plans to live in uni accommodation over there if she starts a course.
We have asked her to consider most of the issues raised here, weather she has or not, I’m not sure. She about to take her A levels so I really want her focussing on that as she predicted high grades.
I’ve definitely taken the stance that a lot of people here have recommended, in that I have let her try to work things out herself. To be honest I have don’t have the time or mental space to start looking into this complete unknown territory, we have 2 other children, full time jobs & some other recent stressful stuff!
And yes I am worried about the fact that she had completely changed her life plans based on a boy, & one she’s only known for 6 months at that, so thank you to those who recognise that as being potentially unwise. She not hugely sociable & if the relationship breaks down she may end up out there with no support system.

Last year DD had a boyfriend in her final year of school leading up to her A Levels. On her gap year this year, with the boyfriend away at a university a long way from us she kept saying she was thinking of going to join him there (she would probably have got a place with the grades she had in hand). I thought this was a terrible idea, not least because at that age relationships are volatile and basing a huge decision on one is pretty silly. The university was one that she didn't previously want to go to and the course didn't have the features of the one that was her actual top choice.

Obviously, she thought she was in love and did not take kindly to me pointing out that they might break up and what then? So I backed off and stuck to pointing out the difficult practical aspects if she made that choice and the downsides of a course that wasn't like the one she wanted to do. By January this year they'd broken up and she couldn't stand the sight of him. She has since said 'I'm so glad I didn't decide to go to X university.'

So maybe just back off and see how far she gets. A gap year working abroad would be far from the worst thing she could do before starting university. It seems Malaysia is mostly fairly safe, though there are some parts where British nationals are at risk of kidnapping according to the Foreign Office. However, you can't get a visa to work there without a job offer and an employer willing to sponsor you which might be hard to come by for an 18 year old with no degree who doesn't speak the language. So you may find that if you just let her get on with it the problem will go away!

She can always jump on a flight home.

I went to a foreign university, went at 18 and didn’t come back for 6 yrs. absolute bloody loved every second of it, I was completely supported by my parents (not financially) and love them more for it. I’d fully support my children if they decided the same. It much easier now too, with social media and keeping in touch.

I think if she is going to work there for a year first, I'd be for that!

If they last another year, and she has worked there for a year, if she commits to studying there, she knows what she is in for.

If they break up, she can come home, the experience of working abroad won't have done her harm.

You're not unreasonable to be upset at the thought of her being far away.

If I was you I'd feel a bit proud that my DD had the spirit and independence to consider living somewhere different. Seems to be doing well at school and has lots of options. Was able to talk through this formative idea with me.

I should t have said I didn’t come back for 6 yrs, I did come back for visits.

OP, I wonder whether a degree at SOAS with a year abroad would be a suitable option for her.

https://www.soas.ac.uk/study/study-abroad-and-exchange