to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

It is not that simple.

Saying just say no and get on with it sounds straightforward, but for a lot of grandmothers it isn’t. There is often a lot of pressure. Guilt, expectations, not wanting to fall out with your own children. It is not always a clean decision. Some grandmothers will not get to see their GC unless they agree to childcare.

It is also not really about what individual women choose to do. Of course some are happy to help a lot and others are not. The issue is that the expectation lands far more on grandmothers than grandfathers. They are the ones people tend to turn to first, the ones who get relied on and the ones who feel it if they say no.

So when people question it, it is not about judging women who are happy doing lots of childcare. It is about pointing out that for many, it does not feel like a completely free choice.

If it genuinely works for you then that is great. But for others, it is not just a case of making a decision and moving on.

I've experienced the opposite with people questioning why I do it, why would that bother me? I'm an adult and I don't care if some people expect me to do it and others are critical of it. You can't please everyone.

Your problem is your family and there's no reason to use other people to justify your decision which is yours to make. It doesn't matter that Floss down the road has bad knees and can't pick toys up, if Floss was competing in the over 70s Olympics she still doesn't have to do it. It also doesn't matter if you think Annie round the corner shouldn't do it even though she loves caring for her GC even if it means she needs to spend the next day in bed to recover. It's also no one else's business why you don't do it, you might hate to do it or you might love being in a financial position to do it that's your business.

I think you underestimate how many people feel entitled to comment on others doing childcare, you see one side but ignore the other. If I counted how many colleagues in the past suggested I did too much or how many times I've had strangers on a bus, train, cafe make comments about how they can't imagine why I'm doing it.

As for grandfathers when I did the school run or after school runs there were plenty of men around. Maybe they moan less as they have the confidence to do what they want so aren't noticed. Maybe that's what women need to do.

I can’t believe people have said ‘Don’t expect care when you’re older then’ honestly is just shows how entitled people are.

My kids are young and my parents and in laws all too far away but I would never expect them to do day-to-day childcare.

Wrapround care is exhausting for kids and I have a fantasy if they were closer I would love for one of the gps (all retired) to do pick up once a week so kids could chill after school but only if they wanted to do it! I think this is a reasonable request and of course ‘No thanks’ would be a reasonable response!

In this fantasy I leave a wholesome ready to go meal in the fridge like a lasagna…

I don’t think I’d be keen on doing day long regular for grandchildren and will probably be too old!

Maybe the grandfathers are also stronger than the grandmothers, more able to drag a laden pushchair up the stairs, more able to lift a toddler while cooking at the same time.

Yes, I agree there is an expectation that grandmothers will do childcare but this expectation is not there to the same extent for grandfathers.

But the key thing here, OP, is to let your children know what you can provide without alienating them. You could say you can provide a limited amount of help but you need to maximise your earning potential now so you have more options in retirement or you enjoy your job and need the social contact it gives you. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Some people are selfish, it doesn't depend on age. I think it's selfish to not want to help your kids if you can. But also selfish to pressure someone to do something for you that they don't want to do.
Are you pushing back, asking why don't you ask your dad/ dad in law? And why do you say that it is to enable the "daughter/ daughter in law" to work? Isn't that sexist too?
I wonder how grandparents will get to know their grandchildren if they don't spend extended amounts of time with them, which if both parents work, will be likely to be the "childcare time."
I think the willingness to give childcare depends on how much childcare the grandmas have done earlier in life, if they enjoyed it, and how much support the gf gave them then, as well as health. If you've slaved at home alone, looking after kids and cleaning for 20 years with no life of your own, I can see why childcare in later years wouldn't appeal at all. Definitely the grandfather's time to shine childcare wise, in that scenario.
I was very lucky that my dad and mum were very helpful when my kids were little. I wouldn't have expected my mum to do it singlehandedly. In laws did nothing at all. I was very envious of people who had two lots of GPs to call upon.

100% agree. This post would solve most of the dilemmas on mumsnet I think!

Are you pushing back, asking why don't you ask your dad/ dad in law?

I did. Dad travels for work so they don't want him to do it. Dads in law live too far away

And why do you say that it is to enable the "daughter/ daughter in law" to work? Isn't that sexist too?

That is how DD and DS presented it to me - their words.

Maybe they are, I never said otherwise I shared what seems to happen locally where plenty of grandfathers seem to be involved in childcare. It just doesn't seem to be acknowledged on here.

I have one set of grandparents who are involved weekly and one which is more sporadic, but both live fairly close. As my children have got older, the reality is the grandparents who see them regularly know them more, are more involved in their hobbies and interests and are generally closer to them. I don't treat the sets of grandparents different but I know my child would pick one to spend time with more than the other which is unsurprising. I don't resent the grandparents for doing less at all, it's up to them, and I don't often offer myself up for childcare for family and friends too, so I can understand. However, there is not much I can do when they are a bit upset to not feel as front and centre at broader family events and occasions where they aren't as close to the children as others. But that shouldn't guilt trip anyone into doing any childcare they don't want to, but is more of an unintended consequence!

I don’t disagree with anything you have said OP. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and thoughts and feelings about things and I do think it’s unreasonable to expect you to reduce your hours to care for the children and not even consider your husband. That being said, as a mother to two young children myself, I do think it’s a shame that as a mother and a grandparent you don’t want to help your kids out in any way shape or form. It sounds like from the way you’ve written your post, that you can’t stand to be around young kids at all, so I’m presuming it would extend to babysitting on the odd occasion as well? The kids are absolutely their responsibility but it’s sad that you basically don’t want to deal with your grandchildren. Im feeling very grateful for both sets of grandparents my children have after reading this.

I will also say that when I went back to work after having my first child, my MIL asked if she could have him one day a week, I offered the same to my mum to make sure she didn’t feel left out and not able to form a strong bond with my son, (if she had said no I wouldn’t have minded, but just wanted to give her the choice), so it could be they are doing that to you also.

Re your husband, is it possible they haven’t asked him because you did most of the parenting when your kids were little, so they ‘trust’ you more in that respect?

As I said, I don’t disagree with anything you have said if that is how you feel and you should tell your children that, but just be prepared that your relationship with your grandchildren will naturally suffer as they will spend more time with the other grandparents.

I do think it’s a shame that as a mother and a grandparent you don’t want to help your kids out in any way shape or form. It sounds like from the way you’ve written your post, that you can’t stand to be around young kids

Did I say that? My post is about being asked to give up my job or reduce my hours so I can provide childcare. I am being pressured to do this. Does this mean I will not help put in any shape or form and that I can't stand around being young kids? Is that really what you got from my OP?

Re your husband, is it possible they haven’t asked him because you did most of the parenting when your kids were little, so they ‘trust’ you more in that respect?

I have answered this. He travels for work and they need reliable regular childcare.

but just be prepared that your relationship with your grandchildren will naturally suffer as they will spend more time with the other grandparents.

This is how women are guilted when they don't do childcare. When is this ever said to grandfathers?

The OP didn't say anywhere that she wasn't prepared to help in any shape or form.

What she said was that she wasn't prepared to cut down her hours at work? Surely you don't think that's acceptable, that she should have to forfeit her pension and wages?

Or are is the only help acceptable is when women like the OP do themselves out their earnings?

I think sometimes the childcare is part of a wider issue - I’m not surprised some kids feel ‘entitled’ when I see on here some are prepared to keep them rent free with full maid service until they’re 102 or something - everything is ‘for the kids’. Lay down and die for your children may be one thing but die in servitude to them is surely quite another.

It has changed drastically from when I was a kid and everything was ‘for the adults’ but we seem to have missed a fair balance - this is really a separate thread/debate though.

Within this framework though it has driven the view of women backwards imo to the point they do all for the kids but the guys don’t particularly input to it - maybe financially or jolly grandpa taking them for a day out - I’m not really sure I can find an explanation for this - and it is actually distinctly different to the way my parents, even grandparents, input into everything, including childcare (and I’m 60!) but it shouldn’t be perpetuated any longer and we all need to push back to maintain (and improve) the equality hard won.

It's not "guilting" to say that grandkids will probably have a closer bond with the grandparents who see them more, it's common sense that this could be the outcome.
If that time with the grandkids involves childcare then yes more childcare would probably mean more closeness, but not if the gp is resentful and hates doing it.

Edit for typo

If that time with the grandkids involves childcare then yes more childcare would probably mean more closeness

This is how grandmothers get pressured and guilted. Funny how people do not guilt grandfathers this way.

Plenty of people have said they are close to their grandparents on this thread even though they did not provide childcare.

Mil provides a day of childcare for each of our 2 kids. She can't manage both together, she hasn't said so but we know she can't, unless for very specific things like a couple of hours at softplay or lunch at her house. But she wants time with them and has asked to do childcare since they were born. We needed something more reliable and a situation where we could ensure safety, food and activity rules were followed so they went to nursery and were lucky to have decent after school care our son enjoys. For us the only real impact it would have if they stopped having them would be an extra days after school and our son couldn't do a specific after school sport that day.

I am really baffled by the drive for grandparents to provide childcare because mainly those I see aren't good at it. Either over or under strict with everything and don't accept the parents wishes

I'm sure they are, but they presumably have spent some considerable time with them, to be close? Whether that's childcare or some other time.
Alone time with kids is what builds a relationship, you can't spoil them if the parents are around. My fun times with my gps were when my parents weren't there, as thats when the gps could take the lead. They wouldn't have called it childcare, but they were in sole charge of us so technically it was. Both my grandad and grandma were involved though. If they had only wanted to see us when our parents were there too, it would have been very different.
There is no need to feel guilted, if you don't want to do it then stand by that. It's definitely not universal though that all grandmas, and only grandmas, get pressured. I certainly didn't do that to my mother or MIL. Plenty of grandpas at the school gates around here.

I’m 38 and I agree with you. Why women continuously pile this pressure on themselves and each other is baffling to me. So many threads on this forum about women struggling with their grown up children still
living at home and treating them like skivvies. Why are so many women prepared to settle for a life of servitude to all and sundry? It’s so depressing.

Good on the OP for refusing to be yet another person’s carer (or in the OP’s case, a carer for TWO more families).