to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

Where was your dad? Why didn't you ask him for help? Where was the father of your children?
You are presenting your mum in a bad light yet you are still upset she doesn't provide you with childcare. If she is this bad, aren't you relieved?
What is your dad doing when she behaves like this? Standing there like a dodo nodding his head? Why doesn't he step in and support you then?
You go on and on about your mum yet so silent about your dad. He is also ignoring you and not providing any childcare.

You asked this when she talked about the emergency.

After she had already mentioned about the emergency. Her first post was saying her mother doesn't provide any childcare. Then much later when question 'it is not ideal' her dad does not provide any childcare.

See the difference?

That is awful. I can't imagine refusing a lift to someone in your circumstances let alone my own sick GC.

My late mother had neighbours who hated kids, they were often unpleasant to my kids when they were in the garden. I arrived to visit mum one day and the husband was standing at the end of their drive looking upset. I asked what was wrong and he said the taxi hadn't turned up and his wife was going to miss her Consultant appointment at the hospital. I told him to go and get her and sent kids in to tell my mum I'd be back in about 40 minutes. She was told that day she had terminal cancer. Maybe I'm odd but if I'd do that without a second thought it is beyond me how a grandmother could refuse you a lift. I really hope your son is ok.

I haven't read the full thread but agree with the points here.

There's so much fetishising on here on men and how important their big jobs are. I've lost count on here on the amount of threads on here where women are completely and utterly worn out by the demands of working and parenting and have husbands/partners who all seemingly work long hours every day, work weekends, never around for mornings or bedtimes or able to take any time off if their child is sick etc. How come women are somehow able to take time off, reduce hours, work round child care yet men never are?

There was even a recent thread where a mum was ill with an eye infection and was looking after a very young baby and was asking if it was undereasonble to ask for her husband to come home from a work function, not even his own work day to come and assist the mum. It was almost a unanimous response that the mum should just suck it up, get on with it and of course she shouldn't ask her husband to come home as it would look bad to his work colleagues.

If it had been tables turned, I absolutely guaranteed the mum would have been told she'd be undereasonale to be at a work function socialising while her partner was unwell and struggling. I think it's sad in 2026, we seem no further to equal and flexible working and it is seemingly acceptable for a man to prioritise socialising at work over the health and wellbeing of his family. And we now have examples as well where woman are still being asked to give up their jobs, after they've brought up their own kids to assist with childcare.

I think it's also a sad state of affairs that grandmothers are blackmailed and emotional guilt tripped into being told that the only way they can have loving and close relationship with their grandchildren is by providing free childcare well into their retirement ages. It seems some parents don't want to make the effort of visiting grandparents at weekends once or twice a month to build relationships and it must only be done in a way which is convient and beneficial for them.

When I was growing up, absolutely no one was looked after by their grandparents during the week the way people are now and most of us just saw them at weekends etc yet still all managed to maintain loving and close relationships with them.

It's funny as well because people as well always try and shame older mums about the fact they have kids older because they won't be "active grandparents".

I was mid-late 30s having mine and having seen what's expected of grandparents now, I'm almost glad I'll probably be too old to avoid it all if my children decide to have grandchildren. I find having small children hard now, there's certainly no way I want to be providing and tied to multiple days each week providing free childcare.

I certainly if I get the opportunity to be grandparent plan on being a loving one and will have them for visits, days out etc. But I'm certainly not giving up any freedom to do it!

Absolutely prior to this a couple of evenings he offered to babysit to this child. First time he took off to the gym much to my fury and when he tried to that the second time he got told firmly "No YOU offered to babysit so YOU will be babysitting". He stayed home and I carried on with my night. He was quite unhappy when this child never got picked up until 2 hours after our kids bedtime. That wasn't my problem though!

I actually do offer to babysit a close family members child but she also does the same for me. I won't do it for someone who would never offer us help back because I refuse to be taken for granted and have extra caring responsibilities placed on me because I am a woman. I chose not to have more children because I didn't feel able to care for more so will not be doing unless it suits me.

It’s ludicrous. Looking at data by Forbes, the median wage for men aged 50-59 in the UK is just shy of £44k. And that’s the median! But there is so much guff about all these big men and their big jobs on Mumsnet-it’s bizarre.

The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of men work standard jobs. They are not astronauts or surgeons or MPs or C-Suite. They’re standard men in standard jobs. So why do so many women behave as if the global economy will collapse and people will die if John is asked to make a cup of tea?

Talking generally, where do we see the grandfathers get castigated like this? On MN, it is women criticising other women for not doing childcare. Grandfathers and FILs rarely get criticised.

It’s unbelievable that he went to the gym in that situation-I’d have been raging too. Well done on you for not putting up with that behaviour. Let me guess: he’s never offered to babysit again?

I was livid but didn't say anything the first time as the child was in the same room and it wasnt the little ones fault. The next time he did it i told him has he offered to babysit so he would be staying home to babysit. I wasnt dealing with 4 hyper kids running around crazy then having to clean up the mess till midnight. It was hell the time before and the mess they made was awful and took hours to tidy up.

He did comment later he couldn't believe how late the child was left at our house . I pointed out that happened last time too (nearly 10pm)! He was less than impressed when our own kids were so exhausted the next morning they could barely get out of bed for school and were horrendously grumpy all day. We are really strict in school bedtimes and routines on a school night so that doesn't happen normally.

He did offer again during the school holidays but thought he was on holiday that week. When I pointed out he was working and I wouldn't be babysitting an extra child he apologised and ensured the babysitting offer was off the table. Had he been off I would have taken off during the day and left him to care for our 3 kids whilst babysitting an extra child. I am sure he would have been miserable with the noise, huge mess and chaos of dealing with 4 hyper kids all day. However that wouldnt have been my issue!

Id criticise any adult who refused to give a lift to an adult with a child having a seizure. The child could die. If a new neighbour you didn't know knocked on your door carrying a child having a seizure would you refuse them a lift? Would your husband?

I despair if any adult can honestly say they'd say no and shut the door. How much worse for a close relative to do it.

This is completely different to you being asked to give up work to do childcare.

Did we?

I never did, none of my friends did and none of my cousins did. It might have been true for a small majority but for the vast majority of people in this time it simply wasn't. Studies very much show now just how much childcare grandparents are doing now compared to previous generations.

No, I did mention FIL actually. I said he basically does live in Mongolia, he travels the world. Maybe read properly before jumping on me. My Dad isn’t in the picture for various reasons.

Exactly. We didn’t even live in the same country as my GPs growing up and were latchkey kids. The number of clearly elderly GMs I see trying to look after young children in my town these days is shocking. They look utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. I once had to have words with my sister who seemed to think that whenever my mum visited she could down tools and run my mum ragged looking after my niece and doing housework.

So your FIL gets a free pass while your MIL is on call to two families? Way to prove a point.

Dad only mentioned afterwards. But first mum is mentioned for doing 'nada'.

The difference between the genders is stark.

Seem to be quite a few misogynists that are women sadly.

I remember a day at a soft play area around 1993. There was me, my friend and our two toddlers. It was really small and in the part where the parents sat there was only us two and a much older woman. I was 29 and my friend was 33. This woman had three toddlers with her and looked completely knackered. We started chatting to her and she got emotional. Turned out that she was in her late 60’s and retired. They were her grandchildren and she looked after them every bloody day. It was heartbreaking to see the toll it was taking on her.

LATE 60’s! There’s a reason why we have menopause…

Think that might be a troll/parody account.

I remember at playdates when mine were young, seeing elderly women struggling picking up toys their GC had dropped. Some of them were doing the childcare 5 days a week and looked exhausted. The grandfathers were out with their friends or in cafes.

My manager in a previous role had 3 kids in 5 years. She and her husband continued working FT while her mother looked after the kids. That would be bad enough but her mother was also carer for her disabled sister. How anyone can do that to their parent without shame is beyond me.

Nope, he doesn’t get a free pass whatsoever. I don’t understand how anything I said was interpreted that way. I was literally posting about how unfair it is and agreeing with OP. I said my MIL has to pick up the slack with SIL’s issues while FIL galavants around the world…

Im almost fifty three and i decided back in the Nineties when i was around twenty one that i didnt want kids. I could see all this coming with all the talk of having it all. I knew it really meant doing it all.

I go to an adult and toddler swimming class with my GS. The adults are mainly women and mainly grandmothers. Are we supposed to stop as it doesn't fit some agenda? We have a great time, GS normally falls asleep on the bus home so I have a quiet hour before we have lunch together.

For some reason there seems to be more dads//GFs in the preschool class where the adult doesn't need to get in the pool. Not sure if men are shyer, scared of water or something else.

No your MIL doesn’t have to step in actually. Your entire post reads like you all consider her to be an appliance that can be called on when needed. What about her needs? Have any of you thought of that while you decide how much time and care she should be providing to each of you?