to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

I totally agree OP. This is purely anecdotal ‘evidence’ but our NDN divorced her husband a couple of years ago and her Mum is at her house basically all of the time now. After work she will come and do NDN’s washing and cleaning for her most days. She comes over on a whim as well if one of her DC is being challenging. I’ve never seen a male relative over at all. Maybe the Mum is happy with this level of support but it feels like a lot to me.

Then there’s my SIL who has severe MH and addiction issues. She shouldn’t have had a child whatsoever. Her partner is also an addict and is violent. The whole situation is just awful, SS have been involved multiple times but always deem them to be safe for some reason… Even after he gave SIL a black eye and smashed the TV up in front of the baby but like whatever, not my circus. Anyway MIL helps her all of the time. She feels obliged to in order to try keep GC safe. She does their food shopping, babysits him constantly, ferries SIL around despite working FT. FIL does fuck all. He travels the world constantly so none of us really see him, he’s barely met his GC.

We ask very little. MIL will on occasion support us, say if DC are sick and off school but neither of us can get out of work which is a rarity but she has stepped in. She also very occasionally babysits so we can go out but that’s once or twice a year at best. My Mum does pretty much nada.

BUT the post was aimed at me and I’ve said nothing of the sort.

OP a genuine question. How are you managing to keep calm when both your kids are pushing you into this?

I genuinely think I would have lost the plot if i was being pushed into giving up my job and financial stability to provide free childcare for my adult kids. I think I would also remind them I had raised my kids and made those sacrifices career wise etc and now they need to do the same.

OP your kids are being reall disrespectful here towards you. To even ask you in the first place is bad enough but to pressure you is awful behaviour on both parts. They are effectively expecting you to lose your financial stability by giving up your job and to give up your day to day life so they can pursue there career. They decided to have children now they need to deal with sorting out childcare.

The man has a big, important job away (remember they are asking the OP to quit/go part time so they could ask OP’s husband to do the exact same thing.

The OP sounds angry and bitter: heaven forfend a woman has legitimate emotional responses. Next you’ll be saying she sounds hysterical.

What does the OP’s husband think: the OP has already thought about it and doesn’t want to do it - her husband does not get to volunteer her labour.

The OP will be closer to her GC if she provides care = emotional manipulation. And why aren’t you worried about how close the OP’s husband is to the children?

Like I said, misogynistic claptrap.

Absolutely. A woman isn’t a true woman until she has utterly wrung herself dry providing labour to all and sundry.

The world is getting more sexist again. I find it depressing to read in this website how many mums are concerned about their male partners’ and sons’ careers, especially when the males in question failed all the way through school and then ‘worked their way up from pushing trollies’, oh how amazing well done them. Never a thought for the girls who worked all the way through and then get relegated to fighting for minimum wage work supporting the boys in schools. Actually I could have stopped that sentence at ‘never a thought’. Yanbu op.

I totally agree with this. My husband once inadvertently volunteered me to care for a family members child for a few days in school holidays. He got put firmly in his place and told under no circumstances would I be caring for a 4th child for a couple of weeks in the holidays and the parent could do and take leave (unpaid in my case).

He actually thought he was off at the time but even if he was the main caring would have fallen to me and he does not get to offer my time and labour to anyone. Its not a mistake he has ever repeated and he did apologise profusely for it.

In normal families adult children should certainly want the best for their parents, and should not be emotionally manipulating a parent to give up work they need to do and risk their financial security in order to provide unpaid labour. Love is a two way street.

Exactly. This treatment of women as if they are appliances to be passed around needs to end. It’s utterly disgusting and so misogynistic.

Part of the issue is that times have changed. Women used to retire at 60. Now the state pension age is 67 and rising. It’s not practical for many to care for grandchildren even if they wanted to. Financial pressures are building all
round leaving no wiggle room for any generation. Combine that with the fact women are having children later in life and you are left with the perfect storm of working to survive (parents and grandparents), high childcare costs and caring for elder family members. I’m not surprised so many are deciding not to have children. I’m quite certain I wouldn’t if I were starting out now. It just isn’t workable.

Prime example:

MIL will on occasion support us, say if DC are sick and off school but neither of us can get out of work which is a rarity but she has stepped in. She also very occasionally babysits so we can go out but that’s once or twice a year at best. My Mum does pretty much nada.

Only women are mentioned and it is pointed out what childcare they do and not provide. It is like the men do not exist.

Cue: The relevant men are dead, ill, live in Mongolia

never said he had a big important job. I just said he’s away a lot.

argumentative - that’s just how her responses sounded. She sounded angry at the posters.

bonding. Nope - I was responding to someone else who said that!

husband thinks - no again. You’ll see in my reply that i was interested to know what he thought about the situation (because she was saying that dads aren’t asks - so I was involving him!!) - whether he would either offer to help OR back her up and say no. OP has now clarified this that they need the money and can’t give up work.

I never said anything about him offering her labour WTF?!

I clearly said that she shouldn’t have to give up work or help if she doesn’t want to. Some families seem to expect parents to help more and more, and if you look around in the school holidays lots of parents do have the kids. So maybe they think that’s ok. It’s not ok to keep pestering OP for help if she and her husband have said no.

i was giving examples from my own experience of what men have been like in the past.

Like @Differentforgirlskindly said - my experience of men isn’t everyone’s. No it’s not - but for me growing up it’s how it was. Mums did more care/dads worked out of the house more. I’m NOT saying that’s ok. I’m saying that moving forwards I’m hoping the current/next generations of men share the caring load more.

women should not be expected to offer free childcare or give up their own work to do this. Unless they want to. In some families this is what they like to do.

please do not put words in my mouth.

That was her biggest issue with her mother where you would hope a family member would help especially your own mum in an emergency.

She also said that her father has helped out in emergency situation when it comes to her children and in other ways whereas her mother doesn’t. Yes, her mother doesn’t have to help her but for something like that, that had to be extremely hurtful.

Also, what is she supposed to expect/have her father do about her mother?

You surely wouldn’t be happy if your kids went to your DH in regards to your current situation and was expected to do something about you.

Misogyny and emotional manipulation is exactly what it is. You might not want to see that but it doesn’t change the facts I’m afraid.

I would expect the father to help OP more because the mother won't but he doesn't want to. The OP remains more critical of her mother because she won't provide childcare. Her post was criticising her mother while remaining silent about her father. The OP added later about the emergency situations in later posts to back up how awful her mother is.

The most she has said about her father is that it is not ideal that he does not provide childcare.

Different expectations for different genders.

It’s crazy that they don’t even seem to see it.

Where am I angry at posters?

I think OP is (rightly) resentful of the attitude that says "well the men never did it so...." and frames a woman being asked to give up a job she may be succeeding in, gaining satisfaction from, and be well paid for to take on the graft of childcare once again, after already serving her time, as a "compliment". That feels rather manipulative to me. As a woman you should be flattered that we want you to do our childcare. You should be grateful that doing this work means you'll be allowed to build a relationship with your GC. Meanwhile, grandad presumably gets all the benefits and none of the sacrifice.
I don't think pointing out how unfair this is makes a woman 'bitter'. (Which is another shaming word used against women when they question how they're treated.)

I know. Older women get criticised and held to ridiculous expectations.

Woe betide any woman who got help with the childcare but does not pay it forward. It is nothing to do with the men of course.

She added because you literally asked her questions about it.

Plenty of us who have posted and the poll shows many do agree with you that you nor anyone should be expected to provide childcare if you don’t desire to.

And what if a woman has three/four/five adult children all with their own kids? Is she meant to provide unpaid labour to all those families?! Not to mention the unpaid caring so many women are expected to do for their (and sometimes their partner’s) aging parents.

No wonder single, childfree middle aged women are actually statistically the happiest subset of women. Society calls them shrews and spinsters because of the very real fear that if more and more women choose that path there will be no one left to provide all this labour.

YANBU to not want to offer childcare, but YABU to think the atrocious way your children are behaving is reflected across the board.

I've never ever expected any kind of childcare from our parents, we chose to have our child so it's our responsibility to care for them. They have a lovely relationship when we meet up. I wouldn't expect anyone heading into older age to give up their time and energy doing something as full on as childcare unless they really wanted to.

They've requested it of you and you've declined, that should be the end of it. Next time they bring it up I'd respond a bit differently. I'd stop what I was doing and say 'name, is everything okay? I'm a bit worried about you. You've asked this before and I said no, but you keep bringing it up like you've forgotten we ever discussed it! Is something going on?' and let them squirm. Alternatively just brush off every request with a breezy 'oh you know that's not really my thing' and refuse to engage. They're the ones making it weird and uncomfortable, don't buy into it.

I asked about her dad and she started talking about how her mum ignored in an emergency situation.

I didn't literally ask her questions about how bad her mum is.

YANBU to not want to offer childcare, but YABU to think the atrocious way your children are behaving is reflected across the board.

Did I say my DC's behaviour was across the board?

The overwhelming majority of the poll agree regarding more pressure on grandmothers as opposed to grandfathers to provide childcare.

Apparently, she has to provide equal care for everybody otherwise it is favouritism.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5511503-aibu-to-feel-a-bit-hurt-about-childcare-differences-between-grandchildren?page=1