to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

But why does the OP need to suggest it? It seems that when grandparents are not able or don't want to (which is perfectly acceptable!) to provide childcare they are somehow expected to provide the solution to it?

It isn't up to the OP to organise her adult children's lives.

Taking your GS to a swim class you both enjoy sounds like babysitting. You know, that thing where you spend quality time with a child and do a shared activity.

Childcare, on the other hand, is challenging, exhausting and often relentless. One cannot be compared to the other. I used to love taking my niece to museums. We both enjoyed going and had a great time. That was me babysitting, not providing childcare.

Of course I’m now a troll because you don’t like what I’m saying. Typical.

Exactly. Or at the golf or something. But, I don’t think any parent (male or female) should be obligated to spend their whole lives looking after children as if that’s all they are.

Think I might be biased a bit here as my Di took me everywhere with him and taught me so much about nature etc, but so did my granny.

But they were young grandparents.

My dads parents didn’t look after us but we went there every second Saturday for our dinner.

The thing that appalls me most on this thread is the transactional nature of posters’ relationships with the people who brought them up.

It's what we do one morning when I'm doing childcare. You are actually allowed to do fun stuff, do you picture poor old grannies sitting wrapped in a shawl staring at unhappy children. Well we go swimming, soft play, out for lunch, having picnics in the park, playing on the beach, shopping. Grandparents doing childcare are to be found in all these places. We aren't all unable to pick up toys, do have the energy to have fun and lots of us willingly pick up childcare because we enjoy it. If some people don't want to do it or can't for whatever reason it doesn't mean younger people need to be ageist and present us as struggling victims.

If you don't want to do it then don't but leave those of us who do alone but please if you are the only person around with transport and you're asked to give a lift to a child having seizures please do it.

The fact that so many posters on this thread seem to be totting up exactly how much childcare their mothers or MILs do for them in such a transactional way, use emotional manipulation if told “no” (e.g. having a closer relationship with the children if they do childcare) or, as in the OP’s case, trying to force their mothers or MILs to do childcare paints a very different picture to the one you outline. And that’s before we get to the rampant misogyny at play.

Pressed the wrong button, YANBU.
Grandchildren are not your responsibility. Help if/when you are able but otherwise it is not for you to worry about.

If you don’t want to then there should not be expectations for you to do it.
My husband and I offered for both our children we were not asked. We enjoy it. We still take several holidays a year which our children find cover for. I don’t think for one minute that if we didn’t do childcare we would see our children or grandchildren so much. Our children work long hours and the weekends are very busy for them. They still want to a keep in touch with their friends they have had for years. The grandchildren have activities.
Regarding the subject of children not looking after their parents if they don’t do childcare; I don’t think any adult child should be providing care for elderly parents. We certainly don’t want the children we love to be doing our care in old age.

Ok but not all women who choose to take care of the children in their family are victims. Some of us love it and would rather do it than anything else. And having a closer relationship with the children is simply a byproduct of being one of their primary caregivers. Sometimes it's harder to see them regularly and develop that bond if you're not a part of the busy daily routine. All women's choices should be respected, those who enjoy caregiving, those who enjoy working, those who would rather spend time in other ways.

That’s exactly the point. The OP’s choice is not being respected. And unfortunately a lot of us have first-hand experience of witnessing poor behaviour by working parents making demands of GMs.

But why does that mean we suddenly have 60 and 70 year olds being written off as abused, exhausted and unable to pick anything up if a child drops it. Lots of us are fit and active, some of us love the time with GC. If you don't want to or can't why the need to justify it by putting fit and able 60 and 70 year olds into a box that isn't appropriate for many of us.

Exactly this.

Because of all the statistical and anecdotal evidence that’s available to support what I’m saying.

So it's fine to make out everyone over 60 is so unwell/unfit they can't look after a child. You better let the govt know as there are nurses and doctors over 60 working full-time in demanding jobs. Teachers, social workers, delivery drivers. The list is endless. Presumably they should all be on disability benefits. Poor old souls forced to work.

Well there's anecdotal evidence on here that some of us are fit enough to do it and want to do it.

If you can't or don't want to speak up for yourself but don't use us to justify your choices or circumstances.

thats like saying those of us who are child free by choice simply because we dont want the hard work of bringing up a child, also cant be in work. There is no comparison You get to leave work at a certain time and leave it behind

But that’s the OPs kids poor behaviour. Somehow her kids think they can demand her time as childcare and are not listening or respecting her. They’ve been brought up to think this is ok.

I do think some people expect childcare from families but a lot also don’t. Maybe it’s the area they live in it’s more common?

I’ll wait for the pile on 😂

Thank you.

It reminded me of another thread about lawnmowers!! Some people like it, some don’t. Some people are better at it, some aren’t. Some split chores/tasks between them and that’s ok too.

I also think the threats of the OP not having anyone around when she's older if she doesn't provide childcare are emotional blackmail and at worst abusive.

So basically the OP has to give up part of her income, savings and pension which are all the things that will safeguard her when she's older to ensure that her grandchildren and own children visit her when she's elderly?

It seems it not enough that the OP can't just be a loving granny who visits them at weekends etc but that she has to volunteer her free labour and financial autonomy to have relationships with her family.

I'm so glad I don't live in the sort of family where relationships are so transactional.

They are not being written off. I was talking about the older women I interacted with when I took my DC to toddler groups. They talked about how exhausted they were. Some of them did struggle to pick up the toys. I am not saying ALL older women are like this. They did not see themselves as abused but did feel taken advantage of.

I am sure there are many 60-70 year old grandmothers happily doing handstands with their GC. Good luck to them!

Somehow her kids think they can demand her time as childcare and are not listening or respecting her. They’ve been brought up to think this is ok.

They have not been brought up like this. Do I continue to be responsible for adult DC behaviour? They are adults, who are married, work and have children.

But where does this abusive language from her children come from? I think I missed the bit where OP said her children had threatened her.

I do think OP needs to sit her kids down and firmly tell them in no uncertain terms that she will not be offering childcare and that they need to stop asking her. I’m baffled (good MN word there!) why they don’t give up?

I would never do that to my own mum and dad. If I ask for help and they say no then I move on to the next solution.

I wonder if they’re struggling to find nurseries etc.

OP have they looked at other options? Is it just cost saving or other concerns?

Sorry I wasn't clear on my thread. Not from the OPs children. I've no idea what they said. But from the posters who have posted that the OP shouldn't expect care or support from her children when she's elderly.

Ah ok. Yes I saw some of those. Silly really as the grandparents originally cared for the parents so they’ve done their bit really.

Agree - I would help my neighbour/fellow school parent/distant cousin out with a lift in that circumstance, let alone a close family member.

I don’t think she does either. My post fully agreed with the OP in every way so I’m also agreeing with you but you seem to want to aggressively argue against every thing I say, even though we’re in full agreement! Très bizarre.