to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

This poster is ready to jump on anyone! I think she’s friends with OP.

No need.

I think maybe reframe it and take it as a compliment. They want your help.

Expecting another person to scale back paid work in order to provide unpaid services is in no way a compliment.

I think maybe reframe it and take it as a compliment. They want your help.**

Hahahaha!!! Free childcare and OP's income goes down, yep that's a wonderful compliment!

Then she says I sound angry and bitter 😂

I love a compliment but this is definitely not one!!

No one has said people who choose not to have children would be too exhausted to look after them or would struggle to pick things up. Not the same thing at all.

Well it happens. I used to take my DD to a dance class. The teacher was in her late 60s, she warmed up by doing cartwheels round the studio, then she'd do back flips up and down theroom. As mother's mainly in our 30s we would watch in amazement.

It wasn't just you there was a general theme of these exhausted old dears being forced into servitude.

I have a friend who is almost 90 and up to a year ago was providing childcare for her grandchild And her step grandchild’s kid! Up to 85 she was very spry and in great physical shape. Now it seems like she’s gained 10 years overnight. Plus her kids wanted her to commute 30 minutes each way, three times a week. Absolutely no way!

Combine that with the fact women are having children later in life and you are left with the perfect storm of working to survive (parents and grandparents), high childcare costs and caring for elder family members.

Certainly agree with this! My DSis had a child through IVF after many struggles when she was 45. She is the youngest of us, and she announced her pregnancy to the family on my mother's 80th birthday. She is clearly not going to be able to get DGM to provide child care for her.

Because your framing is still misogynistic.

I’m always ready to jump on misogynistic nonsense.

“data from Age UK shows that, while men and women are equally likely to retire early from the workplace, women are nearly three times more likely to have done so to provide care for a family member (14 per cent of female early retirees, compared with 5 per cent of men) […] The danger is that this will compound the sizeable gender pay and gender pensions gap that millions of women are already grappling with.”

https://www.ft.com/content/0beeda13-405b-43dc-b4fb-c8651b91e781?syn-25a6b1a6=1

Cold 🙄

Ok, how?

Unfortunately there are some people whose parents are this age who still expect lots of childcare from the grandparents.

Because we are women. Plain and simple. I’m not a grandparent but I understand your frustration.

Mostly grandmothers. At my workplace, it is the older women who get asked if they will give up work to look after their grandchildren. Older men don't get asked.

A lot of women think it is pressurise or expect other women to do the childcare. The men don't often get involved. It is strategic for them - they get left alone.

Sexisim at its finest. These adult kids asking this should be ashamed of themselves

What I despair of more than the male using their apparent ‘get out of everything domestic’ clause is when women support it for them.

A change of narrative is needed but it is hard work to get there sadly.

The entitlement of some people is just crazy! I would never expect my parents or in laws to provide regular weekly childcare in order for me to work. Paid childcare first port of call. I never wanted to get into that situation where you treat GP like paid childcare but without the pay - even if my parents had offered, I probably would had so sorry no what about more time in the holidays etc.

My parents do provide adhoc childcare if we have events to go to or in the holidays but that is firstly around what they want. I basically let them chose when and how much time they want to spend 1:1 with our DC (if they do lol) then we work from there.
Could we cope if they didn't help - probably with the use of alot of holiday camp and trading in favours with friends.
I think it works better as they don't feel pressured to help but also get the benefit of helping and having their grandchildren for some 1:1 time.

It would be ideal imo to have an economy that would enable both parent to work part-time or condensed hours so they can equally share childcare, but too many men do not want to do this even if it was available, they do not want to ask for a change in hours or flexible working, many don't even want to ask for paternity leave.
How can you expect equality when the men do not want it? Do not think they should have to?

I agree that it’s more sexism than it is misogyny. I think the term misogyny gets thrown about too easily.

I think what’s being discussed on this thread is sexism. It’s traditional stereotypes being played out. Not saying that’s ok, but for some people and families it’s what is happening still.

What’s the difference?

Misogyny is stronger, implies hatred, not just discrimination