to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

No everyone does 🙄. My husband and l have put zero pressure on any childcare from grandparents

If mine did this I would simply say to them that they can pay me…I can’t afford to give up work, I need to pay my mortgage! I would have no where to mind their dc then would I! So I would gladly mind their dc…for the equivalent of my pay yes, for free…no!

They tend to come as a package. Particularly if retired. One thing I suppose is generational. I’d be different as, as a dad, I’m probably more involved than the previous generation and it’s more normalised. At dance with my girl there are as many dads as mums

I think you’re reading a lot into it

My mother and father worked well into their 70s and never did any regular childcare for my kids or my two brothers and we never asked. They would occasionally babysit for us to have a night out but we also regularly paid babysitters. They also did take their grandkids on trips — but not regularly. I don’t think this is a grandmother vs grandfather issue necessarily but your adult kids have very entitled expectations that you are forever there for their needs. I would never have asked my mother to rearrange her life to take care of my kids. Tell them NO quite clearly and to stop asking.

Society forgets that people over the age of fifty, particularly women, are actual main characters in their own lives with their own plans, their own likes and dislikes.

Women over fifty are seen merely as support actors for others.

@ReluctantGM

You are definitely right and glad that you mentioned it as it is taken for granted.

I had certainly never thought of it that way, until the very fact that I was approaching this age and stage myself.

Glad you have highlighted it so we can all think about it as women and treat each other fairly as much as we can.

I think you need to have a proper chat and tell them you won't be doing g any childcare.
It's not up for discussion.

This is so true in my experience. It’s tiresome and degrading. I’m not sure what you can do except hold the line, or throw your husband under the bus by offering his services?

ask them why they think you should cut your hours and earn less money to enable them to earn more money.

You need to spell it out to them in no uncertain terms. And also where did they get the idea that granny was free childcare? Is it expected in your social circle?

I remember my mum, who was and is utterly wonderful, telling me as a teenager that she was never going to look after my children other than as an occasional babysitter. It was somewhat tongue in cheek but the point was made then!

She didn’t say everyone. You don’t need to make a NADCALT post and add an eyeroll.

Absolutely ridiculous way to treat grandparents. I say that as someone who hasn't had (not did we expect) any childcare from grandparents. Grandparents should be enjoying fun time with their grandchildren, not being put under pressure to relieve the parents from their childcare responsibility.

Absolutely this!!

With a retirement age of 67, soon to be 68 at least, not sure where this magic window is supposed to be where GPs have the time, energy and financial stability to take on childcare.

You are right, it's really unfair. I don't think Grandparents should be pressured/guilted into doing regular childcare if they don't want to. Even if you do what to its a tough gig, especially as you get older.

I think as long as you keep it fair for all grandchildren then that's fair enough.

However, you also say childcare is required so your daughter and daughter in law can return to work, you are are using the same standards with regards to male Vs female roles.

However, you also say childcare is required so your daughter and daughter in law can return to work, you are are using the same standards with regards to male Vs female roles.

I see your point but I suspect this is how it’s been presented to OP by her DD and her DS.

I can't believe they are asking you to give up work to do this . If they want anyone to go PT why don't they do it between themselves. Did they not consider childcare when they planned their baby.

Besides all that even if you were not working it doesnt mean you or your husband should be pressured to do child care that you don't want to do . It's a hard enough job when everything is perfect never mind a reluctant carer.

Im annoyed on your behalf. Your DC have a cheek to ask you directly to give up your job solely to provide them with childcare. This is such a ridiculous request that i would laugh at them if i were you. Do they not understand that your wages are necessary to your own way of life?

I wonder why they feel so entitled to ask this of you ? Do you or your DH play down your contribution to the household ? Whatever the reason you must not give in to their requests unless your job ends because of retirement or your own choice.

I voted YABU, simply because you come across as assuming all adult children do this.

They don’t.

Unfortunately, yours do.

Does your husband want to take on that responsibility?

If not, it’s time to sit all of them down and spell it out: you don’t want to provide regular childcare and they must stop pressuring you.

Out of curiosity, do they ask the other sets of grandparents and how involved are they?

Shut that down now. Childcare is a huge ask, and regular, mostly unpaid, childcare is a huge commitment and sacrifice. Occasional babysitting and visits are great for bonding but I couldn’t bear the thought of spending 8-10 hours a day caring for grandkids (and I’m not even a grandparent).

I really feel for you, OP. My family is in a different country, so we’ve always managed without any help. But I see so many grandparents at my DC’s school whose lives seem to revolve around their grandchildren - several of them have said how exhausted they are.

One set of grandparents drives 6 hours every week to care for their GC for a couple of days. Another picks up their GC early from school once a week and takes them 2 hours away to a therapist, and brings them back home afterwards. These are extreme cases, but there are many others doing regular childcare a few days a week and finding it exhausting.

It’s a huge ask, and I don’t know how the parents will manage when grandparents are no longer able to do so much. I really feel for some of these grandparents.

I’m 50 and don’t have any grandchildren yet. The older I get the less likely it will be that I could offer regular childcare. I work with babies and toddlers and I know how my patience and mobility has changed in the last couple of years.

That said, I’d be happy to see them regularly, babysit ad hoc and help in school holidays. Just not fixed days every week.

THere was a recent (still active) thread from a poster whose mother had provided three years of care for her first grandchild (ongoing). She was insisting that to be fair her mother should now do the same for her.
I worked until 65 (teacher). I always worked full time. the year I retired my first grandchild was born and I was asked to cover a day which I cheerfully agreed to do. Ten years later I am still doing numerous days. One grandchild has grown to be five grandchildren and at peak I was doing 4 days a week. I still do two full days and two days of drop offs and collects. It is hard work. I never have holidays (school hols are difficult times for parents so I have full weeks of childcare during the hols.
It is very much taken for granted and all my friends are in the same position.
One of my friends has recently become a grandparent for the first time at eighty. She has been asked to do childcare one day a week.
I cannot see the current generation of parents being prepared to act as unpaid childcare. The average age in the UK for someone to become a gran is early 60s.Many grans are much older. I say again, childcare is hard work and unrelenting.

I would never want to be tied to having to pay school holiday prices again, now that I’m out of it. There’s a similar thread at the moment and like I said on there, if my kids ever have their own I’ll be happy to help out in an emergency if I’m here, but I plan on travelling lots in the future.

One of my friends has recently become a grandparent for the first time at eighty. She has been asked to do childcare one day a week.

Dear goddess!

I hope your friend is healthy but at 80, there’s got to be a not insignificant chance that she has a fall or TIA or similar whilst in sole care of a baby??!!

Another thread on here had a poster wailing about her grandmother (not her mother) letting her down with respect to childcare because she had breast cancer. She was asking how long would her grandmother need off from childcare duties.