to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

It heavily infers that everyone does. I don’t know what a NADCALT post is and Google isn’t elaborating. I can eyeroll if l want, at things l deem to be ridiculous

I am not using the same standards as THEY are saying childcare is needed so DD and DIL can return to work not me.

YANBU. And I'm on the other thread about grandparents and childcare saying I'd be happy to provide it. It absolutely shouldn't be expected and if it is the expectation should be equally placed on both grandparents imo

GovernmenT subsidised childcare is not enough for some they also think they are entitled to free childcare from their family.

When my children were young nursery fees were
paid in full by the children’s parents and I had no free childcare from either my parents or those of my DH. I find it absurd that there is now subsidised childcare, breakfast clubs, free
school lunches for all. It’s madness.

Just say no and mean it. If you explain your reasons/excuses it legitimises the ask, to an extent.

While no one is obliged to provide childcare, I think grandparents forget that their children had a front row seat to their own parenting. I went to my grandparents house a couple of time a week, and slept over every few weeks. However, DM made it clear from the start that "she's done he parenting, so why should she help". I haven't said anything do think she's some what of a hypocrite.

I do not assume all adult children do this. That should be obvious.

Husband is not even asked as he travels for work so he is not being asked/pressured.

Other set of grandparents live too far away to provide childcare.

Do you think that free state schooling absurd?

Yanbu.

We’ve never had any expectation that a grandparent would provide care for our kids. We are extremely grateful with the very occasional evening offered.

When DD was born MIL offered to do a day a week but we actually declined because we felt that it was better to keep childcare formal and leave grandparenting as fun and obligations free.

I will definitely not be doing regular childcare as a grandparent!! The odd evening, weekend or school holiday help would be fine but not a weekly arrangement.

Then time to have an adult conversation with them.

Tell them you don’t want to provide regular childcare (or any at all, if that’s how you feel) and you resent the pressure. You tell them it needs to stop before it begins to affect your relationship.

They're adults. Treat them as such.

Well I very didn’t. We lived 90
minutes away but I wouldn’t have asked even if we lived five miles away. I went part time and used nursery.

I will do it for DS if i’m capable but one day a week, no more - aside from emergencies. But i’ll be retired by then . If i was working full time it just would be possible.

Have you asked your DC why they’re expecting you to reduce your income rather than them reducing their income by both working part time?

Because most of those grandparents benefited from grandparent childcare when their children were young.

Many grandparents have to work right up to retirement age. People, in general are having children later which means that even if available the grandparents are older and more easily tired.
Going to work is often easier and more pleasant than full time childcare.
I've often heard young mothers in the work place say 'I've come to work for a rest' 'I used to hate coming to work before I had the kids but now I need to be out the house for my sanity. I need something other than childcare.
One young mother where I used to work was asked to change from three days to four. She told me quite frankly that her mother would have the kids the extra day and being at work was 'easier than childcare'
If that is the case when you're young imagine when you are older.
I do think that some young people, not all, take the extra help for granted and don't show much appreciated for all of the extra effort and freedom to work grandparents provide at the expense of their own free time in these later years.

Somehow the dial has switched and people are far more ‘entitled’ nowadays.

It’s quite sad actually, a generation of kids essentially being brought up by elderly people who are frustrated - and rightly so - that they cannot enjoy their retirement, with parents who seemingly think it’s ok to leave their kids days on end with no need to actual parenting.

( cue threads on here about kids not behaving at school, not being potty trained, CF parents leaving then at friends for days on end, posts about parents and ILs being selfish….)

I don’t think it should ever be expected or taken for granted, especially in the case of older GPs, who do usually find it more tiring than say a 50 year old.

I did offer one day a week for the eldest Gdc, but we are 60 miles away so it meant coming the night before and staying over. Dh did nearly always come with me.
But I was already 67 so when baby 2 arrived quite soon afterwards, I knew it’d be too much - unless they could be guaranteed to nap twice a day at exactly the same times!

Which obviously wasn’t going to happen, so we offered help with nursery costs instead - not an option for everybody, I know.

It's sad that you felt the need to justify your 'no' on here. Is there a history in your family of other people's needs being treated as more important than yours? It's entitled and selfish to put pressure on you to give up income and a job you enjoy just because they want this for themselves, especially if you've already made it clear that you don't want to do this.

I think you're right about the often gendered nature of expectations on GPs. Of course not everyone expects this of GMs & some GFs do a lot of childcare. But GMs are more likely than GFs to be treated as if there is something wrong with them if they don't want to regularly look after small children.

But I wouldn't be too quick to point the finger just at the younger women. Where's your son and the other father in all this? I'd be echoing their words back to them - don't you both want to work part time to cover childcare better so that their dad has more time with them and builds a better bond? Two PT wages can be better tax-wise unless one earns a lot more.

There’s so many separate issues tied up in your posts OP. The most pressing is that your DC are asking you/expecting you to give up work to enable others to work and that is dreadful. This is then getting bundled up in a general comment that society is expecting grandmothers to step in and provide childcare in a way it doesn’t expect grandfathers. Ultimately your problem is not society it’s your immediate family members. Most people do not ask their mothers to stop work regardless of what your offspring are saying. That’s why so many people are responding with I never asked this of my mother. I think it’s easier for you to think that it’s a wider problem than you’ve raised selfish kids. Say no and hold firm.

I mean, I get your point and there definitely shouldn’t be any pressure brought to bear but you do sound quite cold about it.

It implies no such thing. That you inferred it is on you.

NAMALT - not all men are like that. Often used because men on the internet seem unable to see a woman posting about men without jumping in to say “not all men” rather than considering the point being made.

DC - established MN abbreviation for “dear children”

HTH.

Come on. The op is talking about societal pressure. She's clearly not saying every single person with kids expects grand mothers to provide childcare. Are we really trying to argue that women aren't still expected to be the main carers of children?

I have been very honest with our DDs and told them I won't be providing any regular, weekly childcare. That said, they now both live a 2 hours drive away so it wouldn't be very practical. But I really, really do not enjoy the company of babies and toddlers.

But if they do need any childcare help, I've told them that I'm happy to pay for one nursery day a week as my 'contribution.'

He could still give it up.

He has 'a more serious job' because you were Mum and carer. Still all part of the same sexism. Maybe it's 'his turn' now?

Also there is also a lot of pressure to do everything by the book. Fair enough for most things, food, safety, prompt timekeeping, but surely there is some leeway for a little fun which might not be on the parents agenda? When my in laws very, very rarely had mine I would not have dreamt laying down the law about strict instructions. My own mum was quite elderly so I did not ask her much, as I was worried the responsibility would be too tiring for her, but when I did I felt it was up to her and things like a tiny bit of chocolate were down in the noise. Also grandparents often have health issues like arthritis which can make things difficult.

Never expected grandparents to do childcare or even babysit, think each set of grandparents have done 1 overnight each in 15 years

Agree with @RedToothBrush - they could ask their father to switch job to one with less travelling so he’d be around to do childcare. I imagine they haven’t floated that one, though…