to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

My mum made it clear from the start she would not do regular childcare and that’s fine. She does however do ad hoc babysitting for evenings/weekends infrequently which we are very grateful for and she enjoys.
I don’t understand not offering or wanting to do ANY childcare at all and to be honest if my mum said that she wouldn’t see us. She’s 2 hours away. We work full time. My weekends are much needed to rest and reset for the week ahead. We don’t have time to be traipsing cross country to see relatives.
I think it’s up to you what you do but don’t expect to see or have a relationship with your grandchildren if you refuse to help at all

Just say no. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Neither of our grandmothers have ever provided any childcare. They have rarely even spent time alone in any way with our dc (and the eldest is 13 now). I say grandmothers only because our dads are dead and have been since Dh and I were young, so no grandfathers around to provide childcare anyway.

Yeah this is an issue with your DC not society at large, I don’t know anyone who would ask this of their parents! 😳

I think it will depend on each person. My mum and mil offered. I’ve since changed my role so child care is only needed once a week, which they alternate. My mum isn’t working and mil works a couple of hours in the morning.

You are working, I can’t believe how cheeky your kids are being at asking you to change your hours just so they can work. That’s insane.

As for the grandads not being asked… no I wouldn’t trust either grandfather for more than an hour by themselves. They didn’t really raise their own children, so aren’t going to know what to do with mine. Definitely generational. If my daughter has children, my husband will be more than capable of looking after a child on his own.

I think life right now is hard for everyone. Most families need 2 working parents, child care is sooo expensive, even with the “free” hours. So I can see all sides. But, at the end of the day, if you don’t want to do it say no, tell your kids to stop asking.

I think most people, when they become grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren because they love them. There can be a fine line, between wanting to see them ( with their parents) and it being expected that wanting to see them translates into wanting to look after them on a regular basis.

The majority of parents find looking after small children tiring and they are young when they do it, so can’t appreciate how much more difficult it can be when you’re older and slower. Everyone understands the need for both parents to work, both for financial and other reasons. Grandparents often need to work for financial reasons too and if they are retired, they’re unlikely to have the energy to take on regular child care. There’s also the issue that women should not be the ones to pause their career to look after children.

It is unacceptable to bully or guilt grandparents into offering something they aren’t comfortable with, by saying they won’t have a relationship with their grandchildren. Of course they can have a relationship without having to care for them weekly.

I haven't got GC yet but my feeling is that I've done my share of child rearing, playgroups, school runs etc with my own three children, mostly by myself as my husband worked away and my mum was busy caring for my Nan and then my Dad. I didn't think to ask my mum for childcare, she had enough on her hands already although she was always happy to babysit and we used to pop in and out a few times a week. The downside to this was that childcare for two, never mind three, was more than I earned so we made the decision for me to stop work, which means I need to work full time to sixty to make up the shortfall in my pension. I will be more than happy to be involved when GC come along, but at this point in time I can't see me wanting to give structured childcare. I may change my mind but I have always told my kids not to expect it! I might do one day a week, we'll see. My SIL does two days for my niece and she's a fit and healthy 60 year old who finds it knackering. I think that if it's something you want to do, can afford to do and can physically cope with that's one thing, but I don't agree that it should be expected or considered a foregone conclusion.

Since state pension ages are now equal for men and women, and men are a few years older than their wives/partners (on average), there ought to be more grandad supply available. Though, as said, that's not where the pressure seems to be!
A mother's a mother for the rest of your life, a father's a father till ... he cannot be bother or gets a wife.

I need to work to maintain my own life at the moment so it would be non starter. I would be up for some evening/weekend babysitting though as long as long as it was part of feeling included in their family so the baby/child was comfortable around me, and not the only reason I ever saw them.

I would be dissappointed with the needy/dependent adult I had raised if they didn’t accept that i still worked.

No.

Stand firm! Caring for small children is tiring and not everyone finds it enjoyable. You’ve done it once for your own children and there’s absolutely no reason you should feel obliged to do it again for someone else's.

I think the "grandfather" tack is a bit of a red herring, though. Rightly or wrongly, it is far more common for women than men to care for young children. Unless your DH was the one who did the majority of caring for your own children, it’s not surprising that your DC look to you rather than him. But that doesn’t mean you have to agree.

They’re totally cheeky and I completely get why you don’t want to do it.
I have never expected help from my parents and not had much but occasional help when I’m stuck maybe few times a year.
If I’m not working when my kids have children, I absolutely want to help them but I wouldn’t be happy if it was expected of me. And only if I have the energy / good health.

Hi OP, apols that I have only read first page of thread, but if I may?

I am in my 40s and my mum is 70 odd.

One thing I have always respected about her is that she decides on her own boundaries and then very calmly, lovingly, and clearly spells them out to others.

I often think a lot of MN posts could be solved by her approach!

When she was around 60, she sat all 4 of her children down in a room and made clear how she wanted to plan her later years.

She said things like -

She was making her will and we would all be beneficiaries, and told us the terms

She would stay in her then-house which had a lot of stairs until such-an-age and any of us could live with her if needed for a peppercorn rent

But after that, she planned to downsize and would not have room to house us then

She was getting a dog who would be very important to her, and if something happened to her, she wanted to ask as a favour if between us we could look after the dog or see it got a good home

She would make us some cash gifts but they would be as she thought we needed, so my youngest sister (who has a learning diffce and is a low paid emergency services worker) was likely to get more support

She would like to spend regular time with any future grandchildren but could not commit to any childcare arrangement because she wanted the ability to travel at short notice (she has a van and gets the ferry to France often) or do diy projects on her house so she couldn't make a commitment

Can you wait till the subject is not being brought up and sit them down and say, nicely and non-defensively, that you cannot do childcare and please not to raise it as you will need to refuse?

They are CFs

You need to sit them all down and say no means no. You need to earn money and you don’t want to be tied down to regular days. You’ve done that already! Quite frankly it’s outrageous they keep asking.

The way society is set up these days, absolutely no woman is able to provide childcare for free unless she has a trust fund or a very rich husband + secure pre-nup or is retired on a pension (and wishes to devote her time to grandchildren). Daughters and daughters-and-law need these stark facts spelling out to them.

I'm aghast that the OPs' children think it's OK for her to reduce her income, and presumably any associated pension contributions from her employer.

The fact that she finds babies and little children very tiring is also relevant but I don't think they give fuck about that. Follow the money, that's what they care about. "Building a bond" my arse.

Did you really think I meant every single person?

For anyone else, I do not mean everybody in the whole world is putting pressure on grandmothers.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work

That seems extreme and frankly I'd have to say no due too finacial pressure - need to save for a pension as took time out with our kids.

I would happily help where I can as have loved kids - but we had no help with childcare or even babysitting - not even in serious emergencies - so would love my kids to not end up in that position.

If you don't love being round kids - I'm surprised they are they asking - I'd hate to leave my kids with people who may resent them.

In wider family - DH uncles and aunts - it's often the grandfathers who've done childcare - though thinking about it all the grandchildren there have been male and only kids - they also often been retired or working p/t so have managed to fit round the kids before they did childcare.

There is more pressure on women and more grandmothers do care than grandfathers.

Well this is why it was never “unfair” that women got to retire at 60 and men at 65. At 60 many women are trying to juggle elderly parents and grandkids, now they have to work too. Men aren’t expected to do those things.

Funny how “equality” always comes down to financials. It’s never about men stepping up and doing their share. We’re still meant to do it all while building and maintaining a career on top. Now we have to work till we drop so of course we have nothing left to give.

Before anyone says well I’m 65 and I want to work. Well for one, you still could. No one is forced to retire while they can still do their jobs well. Secondly, you don’t speak for everyone. I’m nearly 60 and I’m gutted I can’t retire then. And I don’t even have elderly parents and grandkids!

Husband travels for his job so they don't ask him whereas my job involves no travel.

I don’t expect childcare for while I’m at work - my kids are in a nursery!!

but I do expect babysitting from time to time or help when needed (example when I had my second child my mum would take older child for a few days)

my own nana looked after us loads as kids!

my dad looks after the kids too not just my mum though so I don’t put more pressure on the granny rather than grandad because one is female - whoever is around or available will do it for me

Mother in law on the other hand does nothing for us ever - barely sees the kids and is zero help - yet she expects us to do loads for her - ferry her around appointments and help with house things - we did used to help Her - but with 2 little kids now we’ve actually stepped right back as don’t have the capacity anymore and also kind of resent helping her loads when she wouldn’t ever do anything for us in return!

Yes this is how it has been presented to me.

I am not using the same standards.

My husband is disabled so wasn't generally asked but he drives so would pick the children up from clubs playdates etc..

Well, people are all different.

Some ACs don’t seem to understand that their parents/in laws have already bought up their own children, and don’t want to start the daily small child routine again. And, they often try to exert pressure.

Some ACs don’t feel entitled to free childcare. 👍

Plus, many older women work, and even those that don't, have their own lives to live.

Best to make it clear from the off.