to resent pressure on grandmothers to provide childcare?

[ReluctantGM]

I feel like there’s a real pressure placed on grandmothers that just isn’t there for grandfathers.

I work and I want to keep working. Partly because I need the income, but also because it gives me structure and some space. But because I’m the grandmother, there’s a clear pressure on me to step in and provide regular childcare so my daughter and daughter-in-law can return to work. I’m often told I could be spending more time with the grandchildren and building a bond with them.

I do understand that childcare is expensive and that life is more expensive these days. I’m not dismissing that at all. But I’ve said more than once that I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy or capacity for it, and I don’t want to take on that level of responsibility.

My DD and DS keep bringing it up and have even suggested that I go part time or rearrange my hours to make it work. It feels like pressure rather than a genuine choice.

I was exhausted by parenting the first time round. My DS had mental health problems and needed a lot of care and support well into his early twenties. I gave everything to that stage of my life. Yes I love my grandchildren, but that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for them day to day.

I also find it really hard to tolerate crying babies and young children now and I don’t want to keep getting ill from all the bugs they inevitably bring home.

Yesterday I was out shopping and saw a toddler having a full tantrum and felt relieved that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I walked away to get away from the noise.

What I find particularly frustrating is that there is absolutely no expectation on my husband. No one is asking him to change his work or take this on. It’s just assumed I should be the one to step in.

I’ve spoken to other friends and they feel the same pressure. Their husbands get no pressure and there are no expectations of them to adjust their work hours or give up work to look after children.

Why do adult children/DIL/SIL feel they can pressure grandmothers into providing childcare, while grandfathers are left alone or not even asked, especially if they’re working?

They're being incredibly cheeky. You are well within your rights to say no and put a clear boundary in place. Lots of us don't get any help from grandparents and we still manage, they'll figure something else out. My mil has never so much as babysat and my kids still have a lovely relationship with her.

Do you respond asking why they are not asking your husband as well as you?

My husband an I together provide care for our grandchildren but we are retired it's not every day and we wanted to do it,
But I agree it's shouldn't be an expectation. It does we to be an expectation now that grandparents should provide childcare and are selfish, not loving if they don't. Then parents complain because they don't look after the children they way they want them to.
That is wrong and unfair on many levels. My parents and In laws never provided care for my children. I never saw it as their role.
I was never in any doubt that they loved them

A few of my friends use their parents as childcare a bit too much (in my opinion) and the grandparents never push back and cancel their own plans instead of just saying that they have plans. But nobody has asked their parents to quit their jobs. That is absolutely insane request. Well maybe if they are willing to pay the salary difference then it might be negotiable.

I don't work but I have never been expected to provide childcare for my 2 grandchildren.

I wouldn't even entertain the conversation as its seriously entitled behaviour from your dc.

OP needs to keep working so she can insure that she is well off enough to provide care for herself in the future in case her children continue to be so selfish and don't see it as their responsibility to help when she's older and needs support. (Tbh everyone should be doing this anyway so they don't place a burden on their children but this is completely forgotten by the kids who are just so wrapped up in the universe revolving around them).

OP, yanbu.
I think it is a ferocious cheek to ask for you to reduce your hours to provide free childcare.
Some cheek.
I wouldn't entertain it for a minute.
NONE of my friends in their 60's are entertaining it.
They are, or have recently retired after long careers and the very last thing they want to do is to be up for before 8am to look after a baby.
They have been crystal clear with their children on the matter, emergency helpling hand, definitely, occasional babysitting if they are free, the end.

They told their children pre children this was where they stood on the matter so there was zero confusion.

Now they do occasionally offer to take them, but on their terms.
Their husbands, while fond of their grandchildren have zero interest in looking after them.

They all had full on busy career's and worked when their own were young, so being restricted by childminding at this stage is a complete non starter for them.

You can love your grandchildren and be interested in them and not be free childcare.

My SIL did it, was kind of forced into it by her only daughter.
This restricted her travelling as much as she wanted for 10 years, and then her husband died very suddenly at 69, unexpectedly.
She thought they had more time and it undoubtedly added to her grief.

My other SIL adores her grandchildren but it is strictly as back up and general support.
There is no question of it restricting her well earned retirement.

OP, your children sound extremely entitled, just the sort whom would have very little appreciation for the enormity of the sacrifice.
If I were you I would very firmly knock it on the head.

My mother was extremely clear when we were having children that her child rearing days were over and honestly it never occurred to us to ask her.

Just lay down a boundary, a very clear one and then don’t entertain the conversation again. It is very rude that your children are continually pushing this. Any form of boundary breaking is a big no no from me. We have a fair few in the extended family who love to try it but I shut it down immediately.

Given the increase in retirement age, it’s likely many will still be working, at least part time. I’ve already told my kids that I don’t intend to
provide regular childcare. Emergency cover (if I’m available) and some help to cover summer holidays when they’re at school, yes. Regular childcare for babies/toddlers, no. I’ve been there and done that and don’t want to do it again.

I never put any pressure on my mum. She helped with a day a week just while we were waiting for a nursery place to become free but it was clearly tiring for her so would not have dreamed of pushing anything. She’s done her years of looking after kids. It’s just rude and entitled to expect anyone to look after children someone else has decided to have. Dad lives much further away so couldn’t help anyway.

My parents were still working when I had my kids so we didn’t ask my parents to look after them.

I do wonder what some parents would think of the care their children were getting from grandparents also. I remember years ago when mine was a baby seeing a gran with a toddler and baby. First of all she left the baby in a car seat on the concourse outside Asda whilst she got a trolley. Then we saw her in the cafe and she left the baby to take the toddler to the loo. Not exactly optimal childcare

Reading a lot into it?
Im reading that the daughters want to return to work but expect the gran to give up work.
As the gran I’d tell the daughters to give up work and care for their own children…surely they’d factored in childcare before procreating?

You shouldn’t feel pressured to look after your grandchildren.

however , I have seen from my own experience that maybe my mum is regretting not being about more for her grandchildren.

she was a young grandparent, but only worked pt since they were born. Never did any regular babysitting , but would take them for a walk once a fortnight ish. Refused to have both children together ect.

all her own choice. About 10 years ago she moved to the cost , with grand statements of… oh they can come for a week in school holidays ect. At this point she only worked one day a week. Never happened.

the kids are now older teens/ adults and probably see her once a year. She can’t understand why they don’t really bother with her, moans that they don’t keep her updated. But she’s been so absent really she’s not even on their radar, it’s not a mean thing , she just made sure she wasn’t there for the tricky bits 🤷‍♂️

I’m sorry OP. I don’t think any parents should bring kids into the world with an assumption grandparents will be able to provide childcare. And to ask you to switch to part time to accommodate them?! Outrageous.

And I agree - I’d never want dfil to look after a baby, he wouldn’t have a clue. But he was great once dc were toddler age and school age. He loves babysitting!

I agree that it seems to all be on grandmothers, women just seen as support mechanisms for everyone.

What annoys me more is how it’s always billed as enabling the mother to go back to work. Im left wondering when, if ever, men (and business) will truly step up to the plate. Why do we accept that men’s jobs are more important still? They earn more due to the pay gap and this seems to have stalled, conveniently for men it isn’t changing.

@ReluctantGM there should never be any pressure whatsoever.
If GP wish to volunteer to do regular childcare that's a different matter. But for working GP they are simply not available.
DC need to work out how they will manage childcare before having their own DC. There is so much more state funded childcare than there ever was for said GP so to expect yet more for nothing is simply entitled CFery.

I'm in my sixties and don't have GC but if I did I wouldn't provide regular childcare for a number of reasons. Primarily I work full time and have no plans to retire. I need the money. I don't think they should be pressuring you at all. Surely they thought about childcare when planning their children?

I started using MN 17 years ago, when I was first pregnant. At the time, the attitude was very much that you choose to have children, you're responsible for paying for childcare (fathers and mothers). My mum told me back then that she wouldn't be my default childcare and I respected her for it.

What happened?

I don’t know if that’s true.

If I had a grandchild I would be happy to look after them one day or so a week, but what your children want sounds very full on and far too much expectation! Going part time and then babysitting on your days off would leave you with no free days and it would probably seem like more work and be more tiring!
You should also not be pressured into retiring or cutting your hours - needing money or simply wanting to go to work are both legitimate reasons.

An excuse me thinks!

I thought they got 30hrs/week free nowadays. So they would only need to pay for part of the week. My youngest is 16 and we got a few hours once they turned 3 but no help prior to that so I went part time. PIL did help a day a week but didn’t help at all outside of that day a week.

YANBU if you are still working & also it depends on their lifestyle - if they are completely broke then some support would be nice. But if they can afford decent car, holiday abroad, meals out etc then they are simply prioritising those things & don’t want to cut back.

I agree also that men don’t seem to be expected to give up any free time or hobbies. For some reason society expects women to continually put themselves last.

Just out of interest why can’t the fathers go to a 4 day week & also why can’t they access the 30hrs/week free childcare?

Dear god this makes me angry OP, how dare they assume you’ll bow down to their demands?
I’m a grandmother and my DS and DDIL would never assume this. I worked full time but luckily I could help out at weekends or holidays most of the time- completely my choice. They live 100+ miles away so I would stay there.
Never, ever did they assume anything.

And from this one anecdote, you have concluded that there is a risk if sub optimum care if the people providing it have already raised their own children to adulthood? Because that's the only generalisation you can ever make about grandparents. They have adult children who have had children.

I made it very clear from the outset that I wasn’t leaving my job to raise grandkids and my AC both respected that. I did babysit the grandkids so parents could go out and if I was of duty during school holidays I gladly took the DGC out but being a full time childcare provider was never requested. FWIW I have a fabulous relationship with all my DGC and no one has missed out.

Why do people have babies and expect someone else to rear them?