AIBU to decline social invitations when masking leaves me physically unwell?

[RiojaNcheese]

Can anyone comment please...severe hystamine reaction to people! Eek. Peri menopause has whacked me over the head and
then ever since an Audhd diag, I've been more mindful of my physical health & mental health.

For a long time Iv'e taken pain meds as well to combat nerve pain, but decided to wean off a year ago, up certain supplements, increase water etc. (Nothing complicated, just standard stuff) Since then, along with a better understanding of social burnout etc I have noticed visceral reactions to others😬 It's horrific trying to hide it as essentially I'm quite mild (I have a job that impacts massively) and this takes up more social battery than before.

Outside of this I am no longer willing to sacrifice my health to people please but it's impacting my ability to appear polite!😬 but i also dont want to be toxic myself by acting like a wally and isolating myself!!

I quite look forward to going out sometimes and have a kind, thoughtful husband who is trying to understand...im trying not to be a pain or to come accross as rude but i increasingly don't like people.😔
All of a sudden over the past year i notice;
Any sort of cattiness, any entitled behaviour that puts anyone else down, anyone false or with ill intent seems to JUMP out at me in a room. I have no idea what's happened but it's like I've had my eyes opened and I now can't "unsee". It literally waves over me.

It's so stark that I now have hystamine reactions a few hours after social situations where I am having to mask / listen to others talking incessantly about themselves...
The thing is I used to be fine with it. I don't want to talk about myself anyway, so im totally fine asking questions and I'd get by with making a fuss of others (i used to anyway...)

I had to attend a "do" a while ago and of course was polite & doing the social thing but the following morning out the blue, I suffered an allergic reaction, head thumping, bright red purple neck and dizzy.. and fainted. It was terrifying.
It's not linked to food as I hadn't eaten and not alcohol related.
I've had the a similar reaction, bright, hot neck flush, itchy lips, dizzy, thumping head then horrific tummy cramps for a few hours, after every social situation that has meant me masking.
I hadn't thought about there being a link so its not psychosymatic.

I was out last night,had one drink, felt relaxed until my partner's friends joined us unexpectedly. Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣 but it was good natured and didnt feel threatening, but after about 60 mins of the other couple talking about various high brow experiences they had paid for over the years and lots of holiday snaps of expensive holidays and comments about the locals being rather poor...😳 i didnt want to over think it because everyone is different and they have the right to their opinion but the odd comment was jarring me horribly😮‍💨..i started to feel dizzy and exhausted. Smiling through it, i realised my face was starting to flush and my neck and inside of my mouth was itchy.
I wasn't breathless or panicky...but I did not wsnt to be there anymore.

I was deffo making other couple feel "off" and in the end i excused myself saying i had ear ache and a headache from it and i sat upstairs in the smoking area for 20 mins just to be somewhere quiet.

I was desperate not to appear rude. I was trying so hard for my husband, but I have now, for giving those few hours yesterday...spent today polaxed.
I don't want to offend anyone, I dont want to be rude etc but I see the world very differently the last 12months and I don't quite know how to convince my body not to freak out in front of other humans.
I could quite happily cut out about 80% of the people i know and never see them again but know this isnt reasoanable of me.
I am wondering weather, for my own sanity and so as not to cause my husband embarrassment.im wondering weatjer to simply decline social invites..
Help please..😵‍💫

Just decline them. You don't seem to enjoy them so don't go.

You sound similar to me OP. I don’t get the same physical reactions as you, I tend to have to try very hard to hide my frustration with people when they behave this way. Sounds like me like you have a good bullshit radar and that’s not a bad thing. You absolutely should cut people out of your life that make you feel that way and don’t go to social gatherings where you may have this reaction. Your health comes first. I couldn’t sit there and listen to your partner’s insufferable ‘friends’ either

ETA - I have cut a few people out of my life over the past few years and I do not regret it. Sometimes I have to speak to people like this at work, but luckily I don’t have to keep my camera on so they can’t see my reactions. If I’m drained in any way, it’s much worse. If I’m well rested I can tolerate it more.

I wonder if it’s worth while considering wider issues rather than just the interaction with humans. So could it also be related to sensory overload. You describe the pub as being load and busy. Is it possible that an hour chatting to friends when at home or say round a picnic bench in a quiet park would be more manageable? Or going for a country walk? So before cutting people from your life I wonder if you find ways to have social activities but in a manageable way.

Also plan ahead - so if you have a ‘do’ you need to plan in downtime the next day - time in a dark room with a book/film/puzzle/whatever is your bag!

Christ this sound exhausting. For you and everyone else. Don’t go. But also. Try to get outside your own head.

Not to dismiss the audhd and masking but has the tingling lips etc happened when you've been out with alcohol? Even just one or two drinks? You can become sensitive to the histamines in alcohol. Over the last year I notice quite often the day after having alcohol I have red slightly puffy lips and red itchy ears, sometimes a bit sniffly as well.

But you shouldn't go to things or see people if you're not going to enjoy it. Be careful not to let this slip into ne er going anywhere though.

Without being rude OP, how can you be allergic to people?
I can’t stand being around insufferable twats either (I’m 51 and starting perimenopause I think), but I’ve always had a face that says what I think. I tend to have a bit of a “I’m going to play with this fool” attitude if I’m forced to be around twats rather than hiding. I don’t know if you are maybe focusing on your discomfort more and hence noticing it more but it seems like the best thing to do is to try to avoid too many incidents where you are likely to have to endure scenes you don’t want to .. and plan downtime. Maybe you can focus on the downtime when things are rough and you can’t avoid twats..?

Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣

well don’t go to grotty pubs like this for a start

Wetherspoons?

I would find it hard to be around someone who doesn't want to talk about themselves, but also doesn't want me to talk about myself, and is screening me for any sign of cattiness, entitlement, ill intent blah blah..
What are we meant to talk about?

It's possible everyone will be relieved if you don't go to these events.
.

For the sake of others, if not yourself, yes -
it would be wise to stop socialising

OP absolutely do not push yourself into these gatherings that are stressing you out to the extent it's badly impacting your health.

The symptoms you describe sound like POTS. While these can happen just from anxiety, with the fainting as well I do think POTS may be likely. I used to have it. Important to keep hydration up and I'd eat a scoop of salt when I felt it coming on at all.

https://www.potsuk.org/managingpots/help-managing-anxiety/

Exactly. You sound difficult, hostile and cantankerous, OP. It’s better for everyone if you stay home alone.

You say this isn't psychosymatic. Like you're thinking a psychosomatic illness is fake in the way its talked about derogatorily on tv and day to day life.
But...
A psychosomatic illness is any physical condition that stress/cortisol can help cause or make worse. Are you on board with the idea of stress contributing to heart disease? Or gut issues? Or hair loss? Or eczema? These are fairly accepted to be true thoughts.
You find social situations more stressful than you used to due to your hormone changes and that increase in cortisol is showing in your body's histamine production/sensitivity/reabsorbtion going haywire.

So you could avoid the situations that cause the issue, or try taking antihistamines for an extended period of time, or try HRT, or try to reduce the level of stress you feel through mental health support/techniques

I somehow don’t think anyone will be banging your door down to try and get you to socialise if you do decide to never socialise again

I wouldn’t go to such gatherings given that they’re making you so unwell. It might be worth talking to your doctor about what’s causing these physical reactions and whether you can do anything about them, they sound quite alarming. 💐

You could be me! I feel the same but with out the rash/flushing! I definitely feel since my autism diagnosis I’m much kinder to myself but this definitely makes me appear less tolerant to social situations! As I get older I seem to care less!
I turn down a lot of social gatherings, and the ones I go too I feel so drained afterwards!
I also feel I notice everything going on, I usually notice things about other peoples personality or how they treat others much earlier than before others do! I too have taken a dislike to certain people and cut people out, I’m usually spot on with it though!
Do what feels best for you! I find the less I go to, the harder it is when I do go but I do make myself go socialising for dh, closest friends, and my family though I just take alot of down time afterwards!

Sorry OP but it sounds like you've cobbled together a load of fashionable cod health theories into one giant melting pot to explain the fact that you're thin-skinned, solipsistic and socially anxious. Possibly exacerbated by neurodiversity.

It's very fashionable at the moment to talk about "hating people" but attributing a histamine reaction to it is a new one on me and taking pathologising social behaviour to a new level. I just don't buy that there's anything to this, sorry.

I think you should consider the possibility that you're having a mental burnout or overload and possibly get some counselling. Or just don't go out for a bit and chill out. But this doesn't sound terribly plausible.

So don’t go out. But don’t expect to maintain any friendships if you stop bothering to see people and that might not be great for your partner who deserves to enjoy normal relationships with people he cares about.

Some harsh responses here op

I feel you - peri has been a nightmare for me! I’d like to move to a small flat on my own and even leave the dog too!

I think u just have to strike a balance somehow going fwd

You’re not ‘allergic’ to other people, you’re just doing the classic people pleaser thing of seething silently and blaming other people for ‘making’ you do something you don’t want to do, but aren’t prepared to stop because you can’t cope with the discomfort of saying no. You are now really liking the idea that you are being prevented by this new ‘allergy’ from socialising.

It could be mcas, which nd people often have. Stress does set it off. I can't believe some of the utterly disgusting responses on here. Neurodivergence comes with a raft of physical difficulties which are difficult to manage and aren't bothered with by the nhs.

I can recommend Propranolol for the anxiety symptoms, Fexofenadine for the histamine and perhaps an SSRI or an SNRI for the general struggling type feelings.

For heaven’s sake, how do you know that responses are from the NT?

I love this! True

@RiojaNcheese I found that quite difficult to read

I'm wondering if you are unwell in some other way

Have you always had some alcohol before these physical symptoms came on?

I have had a histamine reaction from alcohol a couple of times. Like tingly lips and lots of sneezing.

You say you have reduced some medications - does your doctor know this?

generally all sounds very odd. We will have to do things that annoy us, but it doesn't usually bring us out in a rash. Something else is going on here.

I am not sure why it is disgusting or harsh to say that people who hate all other people, not just some- to the point of breaking out in a rash and feeling dizzy- should stay at home. What are we meant to say?

Of course OP and her husband are also people. And it is possible that other people may feel the same way about them.

Don’t feel guilty - I find social events totally exhausting and not enjoyable - I now decline all events as the stress of them makes me ill the next day - I have learnt to say no for my own mental wellbeing!