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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to decline social invitations when masking leaves me physically unwell?

132 replies

RiojaNcheese · 04/04/2026 20:06

Can anyone comment please...severe hystamine reaction to people! Eek. Peri menopause has whacked me over the head and
then ever since an Audhd diag, I've been more mindful of my physical health & mental health.

For a long time Iv'e taken pain meds as well to combat nerve pain, but decided to wean off a year ago, up certain supplements, increase water etc. (Nothing complicated, just standard stuff) Since then, along with a better understanding of social burnout etc I have noticed visceral reactions to others😬 It's horrific trying to hide it as essentially I'm quite mild (I have a job that impacts massively) and this takes up more social battery than before.

Outside of this I am no longer willing to sacrifice my health to people please but it's impacting my ability to appear polite!😬 but i also dont want to be toxic myself by acting like a wally and isolating myself!!

I quite look forward to going out sometimes and have a kind, thoughtful husband who is trying to understand...im trying not to be a pain or to come accross as rude but i increasingly don't like people.😔
All of a sudden over the past year i notice;
Any sort of cattiness, any entitled behaviour that puts anyone else down, anyone false or with ill intent seems to JUMP out at me in a room. I have no idea what's happened but it's like I've had my eyes opened and I now can't "unsee". It literally waves over me.

It's so stark that I now have hystamine reactions a few hours after social situations where I am having to mask / listen to others talking incessantly about themselves...
The thing is I used to be fine with it. I don't want to talk about myself anyway, so im totally fine asking questions and I'd get by with making a fuss of others (i used to anyway...)

I had to attend a "do" a while ago and of course was polite & doing the social thing but the following morning out the blue, I suffered an allergic reaction, head thumping, bright red purple neck and dizzy.. and fainted. It was terrifying.
It's not linked to food as I hadn't eaten and not alcohol related.
I've had the a similar reaction, bright, hot neck flush, itchy lips, dizzy, thumping head then horrific tummy cramps for a few hours, after every social situation that has meant me masking.
I hadn't thought about there being a link so its not psychosymatic.

I was out last night,had one drink, felt relaxed until my partner's friends joined us unexpectedly. Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣 but it was good natured and didnt feel threatening, but after about 60 mins of the other couple talking about various high brow experiences they had paid for over the years and lots of holiday snaps of expensive holidays and comments about the locals being rather poor...😳 i didnt want to over think it because everyone is different and they have the right to their opinion but the odd comment was jarring me horribly😮‍💨..i started to feel dizzy and exhausted. Smiling through it, i realised my face was starting to flush and my neck and inside of my mouth was itchy.
I wasn't breathless or panicky...but I did not wsnt to be there anymore.

I was deffo making other couple feel "off" and in the end i excused myself saying i had ear ache and a headache from it and i sat upstairs in the smoking area for 20 mins just to be somewhere quiet.

I was desperate not to appear rude. I was trying so hard for my husband, but I have now, for giving those few hours yesterday...spent today polaxed.
I don't want to offend anyone, I dont want to be rude etc but I see the world very differently the last 12months and I don't quite know how to convince my body not to freak out in front of other humans.
I could quite happily cut out about 80% of the people i know and never see them again but know this isnt reasoanable of me.
I am wondering weather, for my own sanity and so as not to cause my husband embarrassment.im wondering weatjer to simply decline social invites..
Help please..😵‍💫

OP posts:
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6
DiamanteFan · 05/04/2026 16:50

hcee19 · 05/04/2026 16:47

Are you reacting from coming off your medication? Just a thought, but it's isn't something you should do, unless under a doctors supervision

Yes I was also wondering about the effect of coming off the nerve pain medication, but from a different angle - if you've got chronic nerve pain that's not being treated I could imagine that could make you more irritable/less patient with other people

mateysmum · 05/04/2026 16:57

Clearly many people commenting have no idea what it is to be autistic. I'm not but my son is and he finds other people exhausting to the point where he is physically ill. He is OK 1:1 even with people he doesn't know, but an evening in a noisy pub with people talking at him would probably mean he would struggle to get out of bed the next day and his eczema will flair up. I am not joking. It's sensory and mental overload that leads to mental and physical shutdown. It's miserable and limiting but it is very real. And no he can't just put up with it, or try a bit harder. That's not how neurodivergence works. and being blunt is another autism characteristic, so we shouldn't be surprised if the OP comes across as blunt. My DS always turns down work social invites because he worries he'll say the wrong thing or say nothing and be thought weird and rude.

CoffeeCantata · 05/04/2026 17:01

I like some social occasions and not others. I now just tell people that I won't go to (for example) large group meals in restaurants.

I love a small, intimate meal with close friends - up to 6 is fine.

I hate large group meals because I don't see the point of them. You can only talk to the 3 people nearest, so what's the point of being there with 15? Also, in such situations, as a veggie and non-drinker, I inevitably end up subsidising the jolly, loud, steak-eating wine-drinkers, and I've had enough of that in my time!!!

Love a coffee, a cafe or pub lunch with friends or anything at someone's home, but I'm just straight with people and tell them I don't do certain other types of socialising.

gostickyourheadinapig · 05/04/2026 17:09

You don't need anyone's permission to stay home. And it's free.

godmum56 · 05/04/2026 17:12

haven't RTFT but to point out that not having considered or recognised a link does not mean its not psychosomatic. have you had any kind of medical advice about your condition?

Livpool · 05/04/2026 17:33

CharlotteRumpling · 04/04/2026 20:21

I would find it hard to be around someone who doesn't want to talk about themselves, but also doesn't want me to talk about myself, and is screening me for any sign of cattiness, entitlement, ill intent blah blah..
What are we meant to talk about?

It's possible everyone will be relieved if you don't go to these events.
.

Exactly!

Stnam · 05/04/2026 17:42

You sound extremely judgemental. Everybody is a mixture of good and bad and it is rather unpleasant to categorise them as one or the other. It sounds like you are not cut out for socialising, which is fine.

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