AIBU to decline social invitations when masking leaves me physically unwell?

[RiojaNcheese]

Can anyone comment please...severe hystamine reaction to people! Eek. Peri menopause has whacked me over the head and
then ever since an Audhd diag, I've been more mindful of my physical health & mental health.

For a long time Iv'e taken pain meds as well to combat nerve pain, but decided to wean off a year ago, up certain supplements, increase water etc. (Nothing complicated, just standard stuff) Since then, along with a better understanding of social burnout etc I have noticed visceral reactions to others😬 It's horrific trying to hide it as essentially I'm quite mild (I have a job that impacts massively) and this takes up more social battery than before.

Outside of this I am no longer willing to sacrifice my health to people please but it's impacting my ability to appear polite!😬 but i also dont want to be toxic myself by acting like a wally and isolating myself!!

I quite look forward to going out sometimes and have a kind, thoughtful husband who is trying to understand...im trying not to be a pain or to come accross as rude but i increasingly don't like people.😔
All of a sudden over the past year i notice;
Any sort of cattiness, any entitled behaviour that puts anyone else down, anyone false or with ill intent seems to JUMP out at me in a room. I have no idea what's happened but it's like I've had my eyes opened and I now can't "unsee". It literally waves over me.

It's so stark that I now have hystamine reactions a few hours after social situations where I am having to mask / listen to others talking incessantly about themselves...
The thing is I used to be fine with it. I don't want to talk about myself anyway, so im totally fine asking questions and I'd get by with making a fuss of others (i used to anyway...)

I had to attend a "do" a while ago and of course was polite & doing the social thing but the following morning out the blue, I suffered an allergic reaction, head thumping, bright red purple neck and dizzy.. and fainted. It was terrifying.
It's not linked to food as I hadn't eaten and not alcohol related.
I've had the a similar reaction, bright, hot neck flush, itchy lips, dizzy, thumping head then horrific tummy cramps for a few hours, after every social situation that has meant me masking.
I hadn't thought about there being a link so its not psychosymatic.

I was out last night,had one drink, felt relaxed until my partner's friends joined us unexpectedly. Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣 but it was good natured and didnt feel threatening, but after about 60 mins of the other couple talking about various high brow experiences they had paid for over the years and lots of holiday snaps of expensive holidays and comments about the locals being rather poor...😳 i didnt want to over think it because everyone is different and they have the right to their opinion but the odd comment was jarring me horribly😮‍💨..i started to feel dizzy and exhausted. Smiling through it, i realised my face was starting to flush and my neck and inside of my mouth was itchy.
I wasn't breathless or panicky...but I did not wsnt to be there anymore.

I was deffo making other couple feel "off" and in the end i excused myself saying i had ear ache and a headache from it and i sat upstairs in the smoking area for 20 mins just to be somewhere quiet.

I was desperate not to appear rude. I was trying so hard for my husband, but I have now, for giving those few hours yesterday...spent today polaxed.
I don't want to offend anyone, I dont want to be rude etc but I see the world very differently the last 12months and I don't quite know how to convince my body not to freak out in front of other humans.
I could quite happily cut out about 80% of the people i know and never see them again but know this isnt reasoanable of me.
I am wondering weather, for my own sanity and so as not to cause my husband embarrassment.im wondering weatjer to simply decline social invites..
Help please..😵‍💫

YANBU, why would you be?
Nobody is going to put you first, apart from yourself.
Screw others.

Are you invited to many?!

You can reject the invite and explain you’re finding crowds hard to manage as you’re neurodiverse and your capacity comes and goes but :
thank them for including you in the invite, wish their event well, send them a card /gift instead and suggest an alternative low stress meet up like a walk in nature and coffee soon IF you want to keep that relationship going

Alternatively:
“Sorry friend, I can’t make that. Have a good time though.”

Sounds like social anxiety and muscle tension

This just sounds like anxiety stress rash (hives) mixed in with peri hot flashes and underlying neurodiversity.

You’re not allergic to people it’s a histamine release triggered by stress. Menopause can really trigger anxiety.

You don’t sound like you’re at all ok with yourself which you’re projecting onto other people. I’d suggest some otc histamines to see if that works + CBT referral.

This ^^ seeing pals is not supposed to be such hard work. Don’t see them - but don’t then be surprised if you lose your mates over it.

Well, one doesn't want to be outright offensive of course.....

It sounds like uncontrolled anxiety which is triggering some sort of stress reaction, including a physical reaction. A PP’s suggestion of MCAS is interesting as I developed that after a short illness and can definitely recognise what you’re describing (except I remember it mainly happening in work meetings which was unfortunate). I take anti-histamines daily, have regular therapy and take two types of antidepressants to manage the anxiety and it works okay for me but that may not be a path you want to go down.

I don't really understand this medically, but I do know from my own experience that a diverse range of symptoms and sensations that other people find tedious or even attention-seeking can turn out to result in a specific physical diagnosis, so I would strongly suggest you see your GP and get some things checked out. I also understand how exhausting autistic masking can be and if you need to avoid some/more/all social interactions then you need to do what's right for you and yanbu to do that.

I'm at a real loss to understand why so many people felt the need to respond to this aibu hatefully. It's a strange thing to have touched such a nerve.

I'm autistic and struggle with groups unless it's a small group I know very well and feel comfortable with. I just stick to 1:1 meet ups but will attend special occasions like weddings, birthday parties etc. Do you have friends you enjoy meeting 1:1 or is it literally all people that you hate? I'd guess it is more the socialising that you hate due to the anxiety. It might be good for you to figure out what it is that is triggering you specifically rather than think you hate people. Very few people, including autistic people, are happy with complete solitary. Being dependent on your DH to be the only person in your life would be unhealthy and likely put strain on the relationship.

I think some of this is peri , ive chamged overnight have no.tolerance for bull crap and i hate socilising over than family.
Ive changed into a miserable old fart who cant stand my routine disturbed

Because the OP claims to be physically unable to cope with/ ‘unsee’ cattiness, falseness or entitled behaviour in others, yet while she claims not to want to talk about herself, a brief period of listening her husband’s talking about ‘highbrow experiences they had paid for’ made her literally ill. The person being catty here is the OP. That’s why people are responding unsympathetically.

I'm at a real loss to understand why so many people felt the need to respond to this aibu hatefully. It's a strange thing to have touched such a nerve

Because

a) the idea that contact with people would trigger a histamine reaction is palpably unscientific nonsense.

b) the OP rants on about unpleasant characteristics in others but is brutally unkind about every interaction she has with every other human being

She clearly suffering some sort of stress reaction but is missing the point that she’s clearly the problem, not everyone else.

Because:
It is one thing for OP to say she doesn't enjoy socialising. Or even to say she doesn't like socialising in large groups, noisy venues or with certain types of people. All completely understandable. I hate pubs so I don't go.

If you hate all people, as she claims to do, because everybody is ' false' except her husband, clearly the issue is with her. Others will be able to sense that, so far better for her to stay home.

@CharlotteRumpling the op didn’t say that? She didn’t state that she hates all people! She states she finds things hard with about 80 percent of people. Please be kind!
Op I get it! Socialising and masking can be hard! I don’t understand the stick you seem to be getting on here. You do say you don’t want to appear rude, or upset others.
I do think you sound pretty close to burn out, pick and choose what you attend and what you don’t, keep contact with the friends you can see, even if visits are less frequent.

This. People that live inside there own head all the time can be really insufferable to others and often come to completely the wrong conclusions about others around them.

If your having that reaction its more like something physical maybe alcohol, animals, scents etc so have a look at what else there maybe to it.

Its also fine to need time off from socialising, its fine to feel not able to manage every social event and its all fine to stay home more. Its not fine to go to social events and feel like that especially as it can create an atmosphere for others.

But also, importantly don’t feel guilty if you can’t attend, or if you can attend but find it tough! I have the same struggles, it’s tough!

She said both actually, but also a long laundry list of what she hates about people. I would hate to be scrutinised for all these attributes at a casual meeting, wouldn't you?

Please don't ' Be Kind" me. People who live in their own heads are very exhausting for the rest of us too.

TBH I am baffled at how these people who hate socialising and people keep on getting invited to stuff.

Socialising is not compulsary, if you don't like it don't do it. But please don't make performative people hating your entire personality, that is very tedious.

Just decline them, i do when I don’t have the energy to mask makes for a happier life!

They probably don’t get invited, they come as a package with other more socially able people.

Well show some compassion then!
Some people are genuinely struggling it’s not something that’s done just to be unkind.

My god, stop policing me. Report my post if you feel so strongly.

But please don't make performative people hating your entire personality, that is very tedious.

And this with bells on. Self indulgent, performative and incredibly boring to be around.

Also fake. People who genuinely “hate people” don’t turn it into their personality, they just remove themselves quietly from society.