AIBU to decline social invitations when masking leaves me physically unwell?

[RiojaNcheese]

Can anyone comment please...severe hystamine reaction to people! Eek. Peri menopause has whacked me over the head and
then ever since an Audhd diag, I've been more mindful of my physical health & mental health.

For a long time Iv'e taken pain meds as well to combat nerve pain, but decided to wean off a year ago, up certain supplements, increase water etc. (Nothing complicated, just standard stuff) Since then, along with a better understanding of social burnout etc I have noticed visceral reactions to others😬 It's horrific trying to hide it as essentially I'm quite mild (I have a job that impacts massively) and this takes up more social battery than before.

Outside of this I am no longer willing to sacrifice my health to people please but it's impacting my ability to appear polite!😬 but i also dont want to be toxic myself by acting like a wally and isolating myself!!

I quite look forward to going out sometimes and have a kind, thoughtful husband who is trying to understand...im trying not to be a pain or to come accross as rude but i increasingly don't like people.😔
All of a sudden over the past year i notice;
Any sort of cattiness, any entitled behaviour that puts anyone else down, anyone false or with ill intent seems to JUMP out at me in a room. I have no idea what's happened but it's like I've had my eyes opened and I now can't "unsee". It literally waves over me.

It's so stark that I now have hystamine reactions a few hours after social situations where I am having to mask / listen to others talking incessantly about themselves...
The thing is I used to be fine with it. I don't want to talk about myself anyway, so im totally fine asking questions and I'd get by with making a fuss of others (i used to anyway...)

I had to attend a "do" a while ago and of course was polite & doing the social thing but the following morning out the blue, I suffered an allergic reaction, head thumping, bright red purple neck and dizzy.. and fainted. It was terrifying.
It's not linked to food as I hadn't eaten and not alcohol related.
I've had the a similar reaction, bright, hot neck flush, itchy lips, dizzy, thumping head then horrific tummy cramps for a few hours, after every social situation that has meant me masking.
I hadn't thought about there being a link so its not psychosymatic.

I was out last night,had one drink, felt relaxed until my partner's friends joined us unexpectedly. Admittedly, the pub was very busy and there were lots of older teens so some erratic squeels and shouty behaviour🤣 but it was good natured and didnt feel threatening, but after about 60 mins of the other couple talking about various high brow experiences they had paid for over the years and lots of holiday snaps of expensive holidays and comments about the locals being rather poor...😳 i didnt want to over think it because everyone is different and they have the right to their opinion but the odd comment was jarring me horribly😮‍💨..i started to feel dizzy and exhausted. Smiling through it, i realised my face was starting to flush and my neck and inside of my mouth was itchy.
I wasn't breathless or panicky...but I did not wsnt to be there anymore.

I was deffo making other couple feel "off" and in the end i excused myself saying i had ear ache and a headache from it and i sat upstairs in the smoking area for 20 mins just to be somewhere quiet.

I was desperate not to appear rude. I was trying so hard for my husband, but I have now, for giving those few hours yesterday...spent today polaxed.
I don't want to offend anyone, I dont want to be rude etc but I see the world very differently the last 12months and I don't quite know how to convince my body not to freak out in front of other humans.
I could quite happily cut out about 80% of the people i know and never see them again but know this isnt reasoanable of me.
I am wondering weather, for my own sanity and so as not to cause my husband embarrassment.im wondering weatjer to simply decline social invites..
Help please..😵‍💫

Honestly, I don't know what's going on here but really don't think you are having physical allergic reactions to people being catty or boasting about their expensive holidays. It's more likely that you've developed a low tolerance to the sulphates in wine or you've developed Leaky Gut Syndrome or something. Boring, I know.... not as exciting and on trend as being allergic to people when you are AuDHD, but there we are.

Just stay at home, wallow in some more Instagram self-absorbed over-pathologising of your own personality psychobabble bollocks and leave people you don't like much to socialise without you. They'll probably enjoy it better that way too.

But this isn’t about the OP being autistic. Its about the OP being unpleasant and paranoid.

My partner is autistic and finds long periods of having to socialise difficult, he also needs a lot of time alone to decompress and has to mask. He manages not to imply that everyone else is “catty” or “entitled” because he isn’t constantly the centre of attention and people aren’t falling over themselves to centre him all the time.

Stop making autism and other neurodiversity a get out of jail free to be permanently self centred and melodramatic.

I mean, I know the thread will have moved on but I've not read beyond the first response, as it nails it. What a load of old flannel and mumbo jumbo about something many millions of people feel as they get older. Histamine response 🙄 People are a pain in the arse and as you reach and pass middle age, they becomes largely intolerable.

This. It has nothing to do with autism.

Histamine reactions are quite common when oestrogen goes out of whack and it might be worth looking at hrt, or adjusting your hrt.

I absolutely get more vulnerable to physical ailments when I have to mask for any length of time. For me, masking is a nervous system activation, as instinctive and beyond my control as flight/fight.

The combo of peri, and the increased awareness that comes with a new diagnosis is a lot op. It’s important to cut yourself large swathes of slack, to be gentle as you learn to navigate this.

I’ve found energy accounting helpful. I film my batteries with deep regulating sensory activity before a challenge. And I schedule rest afterwards, and more deep sensory comfort. If I try to push through, I will pay for it twice over with migraines and illness.

Right. This is a mature and self aware approach. As opposed to lashing out at people when you feel this resentment.

Cool.
Don't go out then.

Sorry OP you sound very intense and self absorbed, noticing every micro change in how you feel. Try to get out of your thoughts, do something outside and physical.

My partner is autistic and finds long periods of having to socialise difficult, he also needs a lot of time alone to decompress and has to mask

This is me in a nutshell. I come across as extremely sociable and socially confident but I also find long periods of having to socialise difficult and my social battery drains easily. I also need a lot of time alone to decompress and recharge. I am not autistic. It's just my personality. It irritates me that people read things like this to think 'well I'm like that so I must be autistic then.'

No you mustn't.

I'm also very sensitive to, and can react quite irritably and anxiously to things like bright lights, sudden loud noises, excessive noise etc.

Still not autistic.

I think my opinion will be unpopular here but I think:
•Social atrophy is at play here
•Social media is radicalising neurodivergent people
•Piety leads to isolation
•We as humans are wired for connection and it is as essential as exercise and sleep for mental health.
•You might have anxiety but you need to do exposure therapy to quieten it down in the form of socialising with a range of people

By the way, I too have (since peri) become more switched on to cattiness but this is because I’m ND and my developmental disorder meant that it’s taken me40 years to identify the social mechanisms that NT girls (probably) identify and work around their whole lives while I’ve been merrily taking people at face value and been heart broken and disappointed by the dissonance.

If we have a deficit, it is for us to be brave and push through in order to meet our needs.

Isolation isn’t an option. Inclusion has to be invested in from both sides.

So many nasty replies, I wonder why. Perhaps people are seeing themselves in OP's descriptions and feeling defensive?

Why would they be doing that? I don't understand your logic.

Sorry about the typical nasty MN kicking from some🙄.

Yanbu.
It can indeed be a part of peri menopause for some women.
I have heard many many friends say over the past decade that they no longer socialise unless they really want to spend time with the people.
They have streamlined their social life to align with this.
No more doing things to be kind and accommodating.
Go for it OP.

I don't think this is a peri-menopausal thing, or an autism thing. I think it's a getting older thing. When you are young and your social life is everything, especially if you are single, you will spend time out and about with a wide range of people, not all of whom really float your boat. But you want a good social life and a wide friendship group so you compromise.

As you get older, especially if you no longer want or need a partner and have no great desire to always be in the pub or nightclub, or at a party, you've got to really like the people you spend time with.

Our downtime is precious, as is our disposable income. We can't be bothered to waste either on doing things with people we don't have a real connection with.

I completely agree with this.

I despair at the increasing normalisation of isolation in our society. People celebrating their withdrawal from society under the badge usually of either introversion or neurodiversity.

You’ve hit on something really interesting with this point about “radicalisation” of neurodiversity which I think is spot on. Its the dark underbelly of greater awareness.

Its great that there is greater awareness of neurodiversity and how it affects people and challenges them. But increasingly I see it being used as a smokescreen for really deeply unhealthy behaviour; people being urged to cut themselves off from others because masking is difficult, use of neurodiversity to excuse and explain really unacceptable reactions.

This post is a prime example of this: pathologisation of social discomfort being taken to insane extremes.

Some social interaction outside the family is normal and healthy. Yes sometimes its difficult and if you are neurodiverse it requires care and thought. But total social withdrawal and indulgence of the more paranoid inclinations that go with this territory is never the answer.

I have not ever heard of allergic reactions to people behaving a certain way. I have heard of many peri or menopausal women developing intolerances to dairy, alcohol and all sorts so that might be the root cause.

I have heard of panic attacks causing those symptoms. Have you considered anxiety?

All these people saying they've felt the same since a diagnosis of XYZ, surely that makes no sense?! You'd have felt the same all along?!

I think the best plan of action is to keep a diary of your symptoms and go to the Dr. I've not heard of NDers having physical reactions, but maybe the sensory overload uses so much energy you're more susceptible to something else?

You don't have to decline all invitations, but you could certainly say I'd love to come for the first hour.

This thread is wild.

Oh don’t be silly!

I hope you would attend weddings if invited and funerals for those known and loved. Other than that, declining well in advance seems a reasonable thing to do.

Someone like this won’t be invited to many social gatherings let alone weddings

I would be going to the GP about the physical reactions. I’m allergic to heat and exercise so it could be something like that

I can categorically tell you that you are NOT allergic to exercise

Exactly. I’ve heard it all now. Allergic to exercise? For crying out loud…No wonder the NHS is on the verge of collapse.