Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

485 replies

AyiaNanna · 04/04/2026 18:44

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

OP posts:
jdb9803 · 05/04/2026 18:14

canklesmctacotits · 05/04/2026 17:52

So the ONLY reason an adult child might help an elderly parent who’s suffered a fall and needs emergency help is because that parent offered childcare to young grandchildren?

Are you out of your mind?!

I’ve never come across a culture where this is the norm. I can’t believe it would last that long.
With children like this you really have to worry for the wellbeing of any grandchildren. Apparently all a woman deserves is to procreate, raise children, help raise her daughter’s children. It’s like the Stone Ages!

I would say the reason an adult child would help an elderley parent is because they are close and have a good relationship - pushing her child away towards her in laws will not improve the relationship.
And yes, if my parents make me struggle on my own when I need support I wouldn't go out of my way to help them when they are struggling (TBF my parents were an amazing support for my kids - but they loved it and really enjoyed spending time with their grandkids)

OttersOnAPlane · 05/04/2026 18:16

AyiaNanna · 04/04/2026 19:00

She is lovely but everything is last minute.com with her. If I keep coming to the rescue when will she ever learn?
I’ll take on board some of the comments and might reconsider a day or two.

That old chestnut - "Failure to plan on your part doesn't equate to an emergency on mine."

I'd offer a day to help her and other than that she's going to have to sort something out.

GetofIphone54 · 05/04/2026 18:18

You get your time again to be a parent again this time, with time, experience and love and being able to give them back.

What is your problem? We are up against the wall with childcare going through the roof again.

Give her a break are you still working ? what is the issue here ?

I am indebted to my ma for stepping in - my kids have a very loving relationship with their nanny. Make the most off it.

Haribomum7 · 05/04/2026 18:19

That’s sad. It’s your grandchild? I can’t image not wanting to help out my kids and spend time with my grandchildren? If you don’t help
her out it will affect your relationship with your daughter. Why don’t you want to help them/enjoy time with them?

August1980 · 05/04/2026 18:19

It’s ok to have boundaries. She needs to sort herself out.

PoddleOn · 05/04/2026 18:21

Why not? With so much importance now days placed on the vacuous, shallow and materialistic, a loving and strong family is a big “flex”.
Even the word “flex” is completely devoid of any true feeling or meaning. “Flex” Showing off, boasting, striving to impress others….
Loving and being loved, being loyal, caring, generous… that’s a good life if you ask me.

GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo · 05/04/2026 18:27

Surely you understand the pressures of motherhood, having had children yourself? Wouldn't you even do it occasionally to help her out? I don't know your reason though

PoddleOn · 05/04/2026 18:27

Doteycat · 05/04/2026 18:02

I think they being your world is not the flex you think it is.

Why not? With so much importance now days placed on the vacuous, shallow and materialistic, a loving and strong family is a big “flex”.
Even the word “flex” is completely devoid of any true feeling or meaning. “Flex” Showing off, boasting, striving to impress others….
Loving and being loved, being loyal, caring, generous… that’s a good life if you ask me.

glitterpaperchain · 05/04/2026 18:36

I think a lot depends on what you are doing - do you have your own job to go to or are you free?

I think it's fair to not do regular childcare, but ultimately this is a question of do I want to be there to support my daughter when she needs help or not. The principal of it sounds important to you but consider the message you send by saying no on principal.

Dalmationday · 05/04/2026 18:36

Longleggedgiraffe · 05/04/2026 18:02

That is not a nice thing to say. Grandparents should not be seen as automatic on demand free childcare. Whatever your thoughts your comments are not at all nice and are extremely unhelpful. Each family has their own dynamics.

not a nice thing to say? Thats minuscule in comparison to OP who is behaving in not a nice way to behave

Doteycat · 05/04/2026 18:38

PoddleOn · 05/04/2026 18:27

Why not? With so much importance now days placed on the vacuous, shallow and materialistic, a loving and strong family is a big “flex”.
Even the word “flex” is completely devoid of any true feeling or meaning. “Flex” Showing off, boasting, striving to impress others….
Loving and being loved, being loyal, caring, generous… that’s a good life if you ask me.

I have all the love in the world.
Loyal caring kind and generous.
What does that have to do with having more than just my grandchildren as my world?
I have more also.

ThatQuickCat · 05/04/2026 18:40

Wow, poor girl, and your her mother, and say you wanted Grandchildren! If she can't rely on Family for help, especially her own Mother, who can she turn to?

Bigwelshlamb · 05/04/2026 18:41

You sound mean... Your poor daughter.

glitterpaperchain · 05/04/2026 18:43

canklesmctacotits · 05/04/2026 17:52

So the ONLY reason an adult child might help an elderly parent who’s suffered a fall and needs emergency help is because that parent offered childcare to young grandchildren?

Are you out of your mind?!

I’ve never come across a culture where this is the norm. I can’t believe it would last that long.
With children like this you really have to worry for the wellbeing of any grandchildren. Apparently all a woman deserves is to procreate, raise children, help raise her daughter’s children. It’s like the Stone Ages!

You don't see an issue with refusing to support your daughter when she needs help, but then still expecting her to support you?

DilemmaDelilah · 05/04/2026 18:47

You're getting a lot of hateful responses - but, as a grandmother myself, I don't blame you at all. I'm sure you have good reasons for not wanting to do childcare. And, after all, you have made it very clear to your daughter that you will not be doing childcare and it was, I assume, her decision to have children, not yours.

I did do childcare - I did an afternoon a week, one night a month, a couple of days every half term (once they were at school), but this was arranged right from the start. I offered what I was prepared to do and nothing else was expected. I was, however, prepared to do the occasional day/night in an emergency IF I could. I was working and already changed my hours to manage the one afternoon a week and used my own annual leave to cover the 2 days every half term. That arrangement worked for us. She also knew that I would drop everything to help if she had to go into hospital or something similar. Now my grandchildren are in senior school and I am retired due to ill health I don't do as much, but there is an open invitation for the children to stay overnight if they want to, and if I am able to.

Only you will know your own situation, and that of your daughter, but given that you have already let her know that you won't be doing childcare, for whatever reason, on the face of it you would not be unreasonable to say no. If it was me, and I was able to do it, I think I would say yes but make it very clear that you will NOT be doing it in the future. Perhaps a child minder, rather than nursery, would be a better fit for her circumstances.

Pinkyroses08 · 05/04/2026 18:54

I feel so sad your daughter she deserves better than this crap from her mother. I lost my mum to cancer but I can say 110% she would be there for me unquestionably during this kind of situation. I cared for my mum greatly in her last years of life but if you take this stance with your daughter during her time of need, don’t be surprised if this is reciprocated during your time of need when the time comes with your old age. Families are meant to show up when the going gets tough or when life derails your plans.

JohnnysMama · 05/04/2026 18:56

AyiaNanna · 04/04/2026 18:44

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

One day you will become old and in need of help and company. Children and grandchildren will give you as much as you gave them.

Hankunamatata · 05/04/2026 18:59

So is the child just 1 year old? Its very odd for daycare to close whole week. Is it terms time? So she will need cover all rhe shcool holidays?

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2026 19:07

youalright · 05/04/2026 16:09

She hasn't said she doesn't want to do any childcare at all

You are wrong. This is from the OP's very first post:

'As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare.'

She has very clearly started that she doesn't want to do any childcare for her grandchild at all.

ETA - I've just seen you arguing with another poster that OP stating categorically that she is not prepared to do any childcare doesn't actually mean that she doesn't want to do any childcare. I'm not sure how you've come to that conclusion.

HazelMember · 05/04/2026 19:08

Dalmationday · 04/04/2026 18:47

With family like this who needs enemies

Of course, older women must always say yes to anything that is asked of them.

HazelMember · 05/04/2026 19:09

gingercat02 · 04/04/2026 18:48

Seriously no child care? No babysitting, no odd sick day, no occasional overnights?
Nothing
Any reason?

Would you question a man like this?

hadenoughofsnowflakes · 05/04/2026 19:15

I can’t wait to be a granny and be there for my family as much as possible. My daughter will need to continue with her career so will have to do a few days a week. She’s planning on having a baby in a couple of years all being well so I am getting everything sorted so I can be available any day to have my grandchild, to enjoy them and to help my daughter - I thought that’s what granny’s did! I want to be there everytime I am needed - not overstepping tho - but helping. My daughter, my grandchild, why wouldn’t I??!!

Mary46 · 05/04/2026 19:16

I get it if you dont want to commit to regular helping but I would help the odd time. My mam made it clear she was doing none had reared us. She 80s now and expects on tap help.. I do kinda think and who helped me!

gregaliara · 05/04/2026 19:17

I am grandparent to 1 boy 2 girls I am available not every day maybe 1 or 2 days per week then daughters can organse other side grands to help as well. Been a wonderful time to be with them, all are different. Regard myself as lucky GREG E

PoddleOn · 05/04/2026 19:21

Shodan · 04/04/2026 20:50

There's a very unpleasant, transactional tone to some of these posts. 'No childcare, no relationship with your grandchildren.' 'No childcare, I won't take care of you when you're old'.

I can only assume that those posters were given everything they ever wanted in childhood and grew into spoilt brat adults.

Nasty.

I think it’s just a natural reaction, not necessarily a pre planned “revenge”.
It’s like with friendships, if you feel you’re the only one putting in any effort, then you question the friendship and naturally pull away.
My mother died at 54 so never met her Grandchildren. My husbands Mum is lovely but not one for childcare, however, we all spend time together and she’ll make the kids lunch and get little treats etc.
Both Grandads are selfish and uncaring. not even a Christmas card, nothing. We have no relationship with them and the kids wouldn’t know them if they crossed them in the street.
You reap what you sow.
Personally, I can’t wait for grandchildren. I think family is the most important thing in the world and would quite happily have my kids live next door when they get older!