Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

Just another example of broken family values. Feel very fortunate that I don't have this situation in my life.

What a curmudgeon. She's better off without you.

This is so sad to read. Don’t you want to be close to your grandchildren ?!
You reap what you sow. When you’re old and vulnerable and need her and your grandchildren to help you with everyday tasks- they will remember this. And how much you did or didn’t do for them.

Gosh 🙀 my step mum had my daughter from 1 years old until 3, every Monday day, Monday night and a Tuesday. My MIL dropped her working days to have my daughter a Wednesday and a Thursday and my Mum gave up her only day off on a Friday.

We got her 30 hours in Jan 2026 as we are in Wales. My step mum now does a Tuesday day, my MIL does a Wednesday and my Mum still a Friday. The other 2 days she goes to nursery. This post has made me appreciate them more than I already do! We are very lucky.

I am 32 weeks pregnant now with our second and do not expect this type of childcare again with our second. It is a huge commitment for them all doing set days. My mum is still going to do 2 days a week though because she has offered to when I return to work in 2027.

As a child I remember spending all school holidays at my Grandparents, it's just the way it was.

Why have children? What was the point? I like helping my kids out because I love them.

You're aiming to teach an adult how to be different? She'll only learn to be different if she wants to be different

My guess is she doesn't want to change therefore she won't

It won't matter what you do, she won't change

Her circus, her monkeys. Not your concern.

Yes yes yes… this!! It takes a village they say… well not if your own mother can’t even be arsed. You don’t deserve the name @AyiaNanna I’d change it to Ayificanbearsed

Your poor daughter and what a loss to you.
Happy effing Easter!

Being a new mum and going back to work is hard

You are tired and lots of pressure and you don't remember everything

She needs kindness and space and support

I get she needs to learn, but pick your battles and be kind pls

We've all been there. Did you work when you had young kids?

This is a different situation to the OP. From what you say, your mother did very little 'mothering' of you as a child, and farmed you out to her mother to provide the nurturing that you needed (and your Nana stepped up, because she was lacking), so she was hardly going to become an amazing grandmother; I wouldn't have even given her the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my children as she had not been a great mother.
In the OP's case, there is nothing to suggest that she didn't fulfill her role as a loving, nurturing mother, but for her, childcare days are over and she doesn't want to start again. This isn't a stance I would take, but just because she doesn't want to do it doesn't mean she hasn't been a good mother to her child(ren).

Is that you mum?

My DM did absolutely sod all in the way of childcare, visiting or babysitting for a night out etc for us. She lives locally and my sister really put on her. Her daughter was 16 months older than mine. My DM covered part time childcare while my sister worked, while she tidied up, while she went to the hairdressers, had a night out or talked to her partner etc. I had nothing and I did ask for occasional babysitting whilst I went to dr’s or dentist or had a rare night out for a big birthday.

I didn’t understand it. My two are grown up now and she is mid 80’s. I will never pressurise them to visit her and I now only visit when it’s convenient to me.

Just do you OP. But out of interest do you have a particular reason for completely opting out of childcare i.e. ill health, are you late 70’s early 80’s, still working FT, busy social life, new man, trying to teach your daughter a harsh lesson or can you just not be arsed.

Wow the entitlement of people on this thread!! Op say no and be firm, it appears thst many many people take their parents for granted and expect unpaid childcare on demand and apparently you should be thankful!! Unbelievable the attitudes of many posters on this thread to op

Grandparents are not childcare- my mother never had any help to look after us when young and I'd never ask either. Not grandparents problem, they have raised their children and other than the odd day here and there, should do no more unless it's fully there choice.

If you do this now it will become constant and don't feel guilty either

I would probably help in this instance, for the grandkids sake if nothing else. But id also be annoyed at my dds lack of organisation and assumption id pick up the slack.
I have no intention of being a childminder for my grandkids but i will help in an emergency. This is not an emergency. What would she do if op said sorry love ive actually booked a week in spain i wont be here. Which she is entitled to do.
Your lack of planning is not my emergency.
Rediculously immature out of a grown woman with nursery age kids.

Assuming that you are actually available and not working yourself/away/have other significant commitments, given that this may well have been a mistake (albeit a silly one) I'd offer 2 days, your daughter can take 1 day as emergency short notice leave and her partner can take a day as emergency short notice leave, which covers the 4 day week. I'd probably suggest that daughter takes Wednesday or Thursday off rather than Friday so she doesn't look as if she is trying to get a long weekend, only a week into the job.

If you only wanted to offer 1 day, I'd offer the Tuesday so that daughter can go into work, do a normal day and speak to her manager.

If it happened again, I would say that it wasn't an emergency, but lack of planning on her part (because any normal person having made the mistake once would be obsessed with the nursery closing times in future).

So because your dm was worn down by the first gc and could no longer do it you cut her off

Why have children if you plan on dumping them on grandparents all the time

Some of you on this thread are disgusting. Parents reducing hours at work to look after the children you chose to have, cutting Parents off for refusing childcare, threatening to not help in old age as they wouldn't commit to childcare, refusing visits if they don't commit to childcare. I have 4 children do people expect me to quit my job and raise what could potentially be up to 20 children so that their parents who chose to have them can carry on their lives as normal. Yes I will spend time with them, yes I will visit, yes we will have sleepovers and days out and of course I will be there in a real emergency but I will not be committing to childcare and if my adult children decide to suddenly not have a relationship with me because of it then I've failed and have raised completely spoilt, manipulative brats.

Same. 15 grandchildren potentially.
Give me a break.
Literally.
I would give them my lungs if they needed it.
I am not rearing them.

Glad you’re not my mum. Mine doesn’t do regular childcare for me either but she’d always help out if I was in a bind.

Why wouldn’t you want to help your own daughter out. Do you actively dislike her?

The difference is that at the time adults have their families, they have made that choice for themselves and are usually physically and mentally capable of planning and managing their lives, including planning childcare. In theory anyway. Whereas by the time one's parents become frail enough to need care, they are vulnerable and by definition cannot care for themselves.

Or, to put it another way, the parent does their duty to the child while the child is wrong, and then in an ideal world the child does their duty, in some shape or form, to the parent when the parent becomes old and frail. Childcare for grandchildren is a separate layer and imo should be treated separately.

So forget everything parents did for you from birth all the sacrifices they made and as soon as they say no to you all that care means nothing

That seems to be the case, yes. It is so manipulative to say that unless a grandmother (and it’s a,ways the grandmothers) doesn’t sacrifice yet more for her kids she can’t expect help when older. Fuck me. My generation really brought up some selfish, entitled brats. As we are obviously such shit parents you wouldn’t want us near your kids anyway 😂.

I really hope mine stay childfree to be honest - which they are leaning towards and have done for years. I hated the early years and really wouldn’t want to be bothered with young children again when I’m in my 60’s and 70’s. And no, I don’t expect mine to look after me when I’m old. I’ve put away enough to buy in any care I need.

I think it's unreasonable to call her unreliable over it, shes in a hard spot and asked her mum for help, it's not unreasonable to say no to doing childcare but it doesn't make her unreliable because her usual childcare is shut.

Wow. Gransnet has arrived. What a shower...

I have literally no idea why my children don't speak to me...