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Original poster

Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

141 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 00:31

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2026 00:34

He needs to start working on finding a place closer to the baby. Learning to drive (if he can) is probably also a good idea.

He should ask for 50/50 access to the baby and negotiate from there. If she won't budge then he'll need a court order.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/04/2026 00:36

He needs to live near his baby to be able to see the baby frequently. Then request more access and go from there. But living an hour away and not driving doesn’t give him a chance

firsttimepregnanthelp · 04/04/2026 00:37

He should get legal advice around a Child Arrangement Order

WerewolfOfLoudon · 04/04/2026 00:38

Understandable he has had to move home in the immediate aftermath but why does he have to stay living an hour away? Where is his job?

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 04/04/2026 00:39

Best to try to reason with her … write to her , it’s non threatening and you have a record.
Hi there
I wanted to talk about contact with [baby’s name]. I’m really concerned that reducing time to every three weeks isn’t enough for me to build and maintain a strong bond with them, especially at such a young age.
I’ve been involved since birth and I want to continue being a consistent and active parent in their life. I don’t think it’s in [baby’s name]’s best interests for contact to be so limited.
I’d like us to agree a regular and predictable arrangement. I think returning to every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday evening would be a good starting point, and I’m also open to adding some time during the week where possible.
I understand things have changed with me moving, but I’m committed to making travel work and making sure I’m there for [baby’s name].
I’d really prefer for us to sort this between ourselves if we can. If we’re struggling to agree, I’m happy to look at mediation so we can find something that works for both of us and, most importantly, for [baby’s name].
Let me know your thoughts

if this fails then seek mediation, he’d have to try that before court involved anyway

keep everything focused on the best interests of (baby name)

also due to distance your dss needs to make sure he keeps his commitments to his baby. It’s not about the ex.

RoseField1 · 04/04/2026 00:39

firsttimepregnanthelp · 04/04/2026 00:37

He should get legal advice around a Child Arrangement Order

He could, but it will be much better for all of them if he can come to a sensible agreement with the mother without involving court, which is stressful, adversarial and rarely achieved exactly what either party wants.

PaperMachePanda · 04/04/2026 00:42

He should get legal advice and learn to drive.

Also, he now lives over an hour away. He should find a place nearer to the baby. It doesn't matter if the baby is bottle fed the baby is still super young.

I wouldn't want my kid being that far away that young.

Aabbcc1235 · 04/04/2026 00:52

Has he sorted maintenance yet? If not, he should look up the cms calculator for his income, work out how much he should pay and then start sending her the money.

He should also sort out everything that he needs to look after the baby for wherever he is living. It’s reasonable to ask her to send the pram and car seat with baby if they bought them together, but he needs his own bottles, wipes, cot, formula etc.

Id suggest that he accepts the every third weekend that she has proposed but asks if he can also have a couple of hours, near her, a couple of times a week. So, he would pick baby up, go for a walk/coffee etc and then bring baby home. Little and often will be best at this age, and will also give her a regular break.

Whenisitmyturntorest · 04/04/2026 00:57

He is now an adult and a parent, not a little boy so he needs to act like it. He needs to live closer to the baby. Baby is too young to be away from Mum for long periods if Mum isn't comfortable. A court would advise little and often for a prolonged period before pushing overnights.

Pemba · 04/04/2026 00:59

These arrangements may be fine for an older child with a loving and involved father. It is to your stepson's credit that he has been such an involved father. However, can he not understand that every other weekend (or indeed every 3rd weekend) including overnights is not in the best interests of a young baby to be separated from the primary caregiver (which is the mother, like it or not, even if a baby is not breast fed). Baby is too young to understand what is happening and may likely be distressed.

What would be in the baby's best interests is frequent short contacts, maybe several times a week. Living an hour away and not driving obviously makes this tricky, so your DSS needs to get driving or move closer ASAP.

McSpoot · 04/04/2026 01:14

Pemba · 04/04/2026 00:59

These arrangements may be fine for an older child with a loving and involved father. It is to your stepson's credit that he has been such an involved father. However, can he not understand that every other weekend (or indeed every 3rd weekend) including overnights is not in the best interests of a young baby to be separated from the primary caregiver (which is the mother, like it or not, even if a baby is not breast fed). Baby is too young to understand what is happening and may likely be distressed.

What would be in the baby's best interests is frequent short contacts, maybe several times a week. Living an hour away and not driving obviously makes this tricky, so your DSS needs to get driving or move closer ASAP.

Yes, agreed. If this was the mother posting, she’d be told that the father was completely unreasonable to be asking for 50:50 (as another poster suggested) at this age.

JeopardyLeopardy · 04/04/2026 01:16

I wouldn't be happy for my 4 month old to be away overnight. 4th trimester only just finished. At 4 months they can be aged in weeks - 16 weeks is tiny. He needs to arrange daytime visits. No need to write formal letters or court applications, it's common sense.

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2026 01:19

Honestly, I don’t think you can take a 4 month old away from its mum for more than an hour or so.

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 01:21

Why does he have to live an hour away? If it’s due to costs, but he has support from parents and grandparents can they help financially in the short term to enable him to live closer or at least learn to drive and buy/insure a car?

At that age he should be seeing baby little and often, and not for a longer period infrequently.

He needs to pay child maintenance and work out what it would cost to have his child 50/50. Give ex CMS plus the difference between what he is currently spending on child and what he would be spending is 50/50. That will help keep things amicable.

Ideally contact should he drafted to increase in increments, with the eventual goal of working up to 50/50 once the child is old enough.

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 01:24

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2026 00:34

He needs to start working on finding a place closer to the baby. Learning to drive (if he can) is probably also a good idea.

He should ask for 50/50 access to the baby and negotiate from there. If she won't budge then he'll need a court order.

Going straight in with 50/50 is obviously not going to be agreed any time soon, and is clearly not in the child’s best interests. If it went to court it would be clear he is only considering himself and not his child.

He needs to be rational and realistic otherwise there’s no way he and ex can start building an amicable co parenting relationship.

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2026 01:30

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 01:24

Going straight in with 50/50 is obviously not going to be agreed any time soon, and is clearly not in the child’s best interests. If it went to court it would be clear he is only considering himself and not his child.

He needs to be rational and realistic otherwise there’s no way he and ex can start building an amicable co parenting relationship.

Show quote history

Having two equal parents is in every baby's best interests (assuming that both parents are good parents of course!) and it's far easier to establish that now than later on when the baby is more aware/seperation anxiety has set in etc.

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2026 01:32

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2026 01:19

Honestly, I don’t think you can take a 4 month old away from its mum for more than an hour or so.

Loads of women go back to work when their baby is this age, admittedly not too many in the UK, but elsewhere it's quite common. It's absolute nonsense that a bottle fed four month old can't be away from it's mother for more than an hour!

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 04/04/2026 01:33

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 04/04/2026 00:39

Best to try to reason with her … write to her , it’s non threatening and you have a record.
Hi there
I wanted to talk about contact with [baby’s name]. I’m really concerned that reducing time to every three weeks isn’t enough for me to build and maintain a strong bond with them, especially at such a young age.
I’ve been involved since birth and I want to continue being a consistent and active parent in their life. I don’t think it’s in [baby’s name]’s best interests for contact to be so limited.
I’d like us to agree a regular and predictable arrangement. I think returning to every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday evening would be a good starting point, and I’m also open to adding some time during the week where possible.
I understand things have changed with me moving, but I’m committed to making travel work and making sure I’m there for [baby’s name].
I’d really prefer for us to sort this between ourselves if we can. If we’re struggling to agree, I’m happy to look at mediation so we can find something that works for both of us and, most importantly, for [baby’s name].
Let me know your thoughts

if this fails then seek mediation, he’d have to try that before court involved anyway

keep everything focused on the best interests of (baby name)

also due to distance your dss needs to make sure he keeps his commitments to his baby. It’s not about the ex.

This

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2026 02:25

Would the baby’s mum allow him to spend time with the child at her house? So that they don’t need to be separated with the baby so young. Why does he need to move an hour away? Does he work?

GlovedhandsCecilia · 04/04/2026 08:41

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2026 02:25

Would the baby’s mum allow him to spend time with the child at her house? So that they don’t need to be separated with the baby so young. Why does he need to move an hour away? Does he work?

Maybe what he can afford. Some places are a lot more pricey than others.

OP, he should take it all through the courts formally.

BMW6 · 04/04/2026 08:50

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2026 01:19

Honestly, I don’t think you can take a 4 month old away from its mum for more than an hour or so.

The baby is bottle fed so why on earth not? The child has 2 parents with equal rights and responsibility for their child!

As DSS are involved it might be in the child's best interest to be 100% with the Father, and the Mother can have visitation. You don't know the background and you're being unfair to the Father and the child.

Bushmillsbabe · 04/04/2026 08:52

What does an ideal contact schedule look like from his perspective OP, and how would he facilitate that? Given that he doesn't drive.

Does he have a plan on how he is going to move closer? Is he still supporting his child by paying half the rent on the property his child is living and therefore cannot afford to pay another set of rent?

GlovedhandsCecilia · 04/04/2026 08:54

JeopardyLeopardy · 04/04/2026 01:16

I wouldn't be happy for my 4 month old to be away overnight. 4th trimester only just finished. At 4 months they can be aged in weeks - 16 weeks is tiny. He needs to arrange daytime visits. No need to write formal letters or court applications, it's common sense.

Has to work to pay CM.

Brewtiful · 04/04/2026 08:54

Realistically little and often will be best for a baby this young with overnights not happening for a while yet. What is his plan moving forward in regards to living near his child and facilitating meaningful contact?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/04/2026 08:59

DDS would be much better off visiting the baby several times a week rather than requesting a full weekend EOW. Assuming that DSS is going to take the baby over an hour away to his parents home, this really is a big ask for a new mother. DSS needs to learn to drive and start acting like a dad - putting his child first - instead of making overnight demands.

I’d also be asking why DSS and girlfriend split up. Was he really as hands on a dad as he’d like you to believe? Can he be trusted to look after a baby overnight? Will he be looking after the baby or would he be leaving the caring to the grandparents? Does he actually know how to care for a baby?

The fact that DDS is talking about removing such a young baby from its mother for such a long period of time isn’t good. As his parents surely you should be explaining why it’s not so simple as ‘it’s ok because the baby is bottle fed’.