Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

[dontpokethemommabear]

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

And it would rarely be 50/50 given that women are usually on maternity leave at the 4 month mark. There are a lot of men who think they do 50/50 because they give a bottle of milk and change a nappy.

Be prepared that she might not be making stuff up. I hate this assumption that that is was women do. My ex very much was abusive and if his friends and family decide to believe I was making it all up that is either naivety or pig headedness

And let's be clear, carrying a baby through pregnancy is definitely not a 50/50 enterprise

People make stuff up. My ex came up with all sorts. He was stupid though and it was therefore easy to prove otherwise - stuff like I was postnatally depressed and refusing to take my medication. Health visitor wrote me a letter saying in her opinion there was no depression of any variety and that I had never been prescribed any medication. It is harder when it just he said, she said. Men and women are equally capable of lying to get whatever it is they want.

I think this young man is being enabled by the adults around him. He made a baby - upped and left, quit his job and we are on this thread trying to help someone else ‘deal’ with the problem he created. Ridiculous

I'm well aware of attachment theory. That's how I know that two consistent caregivers is absolutely fine for a baby. In fact, it's ideal. All men should be aiming to be 50/50 caregivers to their small babies. It's the best case scenario for all involved. The first twelve months is the best time to introduce 50/50 care, it's much worse to force it upon an older child who doesn't have an equal bond with the second parent (because they weren't allowed to form one as an infant).

I am fed up hearing about parental alienation and single parents complaining about the other parent not wanting to take responsibility and being an active parent. And this is an example of what causes that to happen. He has every right to see his child. If the mother isn't prepared to compromise then I'd go down the legal route. A child can only benefit from having two involved parents.

Is he supporting the child financially or emotionally now he’s quit his job, moved miles away and has no way of being on hand to help out?

If the baby is being shuttled between two caregivers then it's not consistent. 3.5 days apart from their main caregiver is too long for young babies. If the parents don't live together they can't both be main caregiver.

No, you really aren't. There is a huge difference between sharing care under the same roof and being shuttle between two houses. Huge. And note the point about maternity leave.

Baby is bottle fed and father has been involved from the start, it’s in baby’s interest to maintain a relationship. Tell him to get a court order and ask for 50:50 contact.

If he wanted to see his child regularly (in the "little and often " intervals that would benefit a baby) he shouldn't have moved an hour away! I don't know any mums who would do that.

Utter nonsense.

This is literally the approach expected by the family courts. In what way is it nonsense?

👆🏻 this.

when I first met DH his son was a year old and he would visit him for several hours three times a week at his maternal nans house (where they had all originally lived).

He steadily worked up to time away from mum over the next year and then from 2 years old overnights EOWE and so on.

This was the right thing to do for DSS, however, the only thing I think he would change is formalising a plan in writing. This would have stopped a lot of messing about and unnecessary bad feeling at times and would have been best sorted when DSS was too young to know or care anything about it.

No way would I want my 4 month old being over an hour away from me, he should try to move closer so he can have more access during the day to help the mum out.