Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

[dontpokethemommabear]

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

are you a bitter dad who is projecting or something?
Thankfully most people reading are more reasonable and less dogmatic than you are. Hopefully OP will read the advice and pass it to her step son who can proceed like a sensible adult, not rush into court and risk making things a thousand times worse.

Baby will be with its dad, so I’m sure it’s fine, no different than if mum decides to go out for the day or away for the night!

If your son pays the mum maintenance, make sure he does it via bank transfer so he’s got evidence of payments

This. Whilst his situation doesn’t allow for this immediately, he needs to be independent, even if that means renting a studio flat or house share whilst he sorts himself out.

He can’t expect to share 50/50 custody of a 16 week old baby, regardless of how they’re fed. But he should be seeking more regular, shorter contact sessions eg few hours at a time multiple times a week.

It’s a tough situation and it’s easier said than done, he’ll get there. It’s good he has support, but the key here is that he takes some initiative and action himself. He’s a grown man.

This. Get driving lessons prove he has support and ask for two days on and two days off little and often - access to both parents is vital as long as both are fit parents.

@BrendaSmall The vast majority of first time mums wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving their 4 month old baby overnight at that age. Probably different once the baby is 8-12 months.

No, I'm a mum and a woman who thinks it's best settled in court as earlier as possible where there is dispute.

Start escalating. Mediation, solicitor if needed. My ex saw our baby several times a week. To not have regular contact could damage the bond. Is he paying financially? I can’t imagine any court would say less than weekly. Hopefully it won’t go anywhere near one but relevant

Agree with pp it needs to be little and often at this age. Whole weekend not a good idea. We did 2 x 3-4 hours I think

The OP asked for advice not for it to be ran through chat gpt.

people are capable of asking AI themselves

anyway mumsnet is pretty much redundant now

They didn't say social services were involved. I think DSS means step son?

Or in a car for that long either

kinda disagree slightly with waiting a few more months. Getting baby used to it now is just the same as taking them to nursery to prepare for going back to work. In a few months baby will be more aware of surroundings so having it all sorted & routine now will be easier for when baby gets to that stage

the whole you can’t take baby away from mother argument is redundant nowadays esp if you are going into a co-parenting relationship that shouls be 50/50

Agreeing with everyone else that he needs to move closer to his ex and baby, and also learn to drive if it’s not walking distance. An hour away is too far.

It needs to be little and often at this stage, and the baby is too young to be away feom
it’s mother overnight in circumstances where the parents don’t live together (ie would be fine with a father who lived in the house and the baby saw everyday, but ideally not with a father who lives elsewhere).

Taking the baby for a couple of hours a few times a week is much better.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should

YABU. Baby is too young to be separated from Mum overnight. The Dad needs to kearn how to drive quickly, arrange CMS ASAP and move closer. He needs to put Mum and baby first at this early stage not himself.

Perfect response- can you be the person to help him to understand this OP?

It’s really about what he can give rather than what he can get when a baby is so young and Mum is barely out of the third trimester

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Lots of useful resources to look into with DSS and it's good to have some starting points as he is in a bit of a spin with it all and emotions are high.

To clarify a few things... I am referring him to DSS as he is my partners eldest child, however he was 19 when I met my partner so I have no maternal involvement. I'm keen to support him alongside my DP and there have been no shortage of tough love conversations where we (and his mum) are adamant he needs to put babies needs first.

For those who are aghast at the idea of this baby being away from his mum for more than a couple of hours... as a couple they left baby overnight with both her mum and his mum so they could go out from approx 4 weeks old. They had nights in hotels to have a "break" and also nights on the town and not returning til lunchtime the following day with hangovers and both mums happy to continue to care for baby whilst they slept it off. (I have soooooo many opinions about this...I EBF my sons until they were 30 months, had them in a sling most of the time, embraced 4th trimester and didn't spend a night apart from them until eldest was 3 and 3 months when I was in hospital after having his baby brother so I am forever biting my lip on the choices that they have made) Despite my judgy pants being firmly hoiked, I can see that DSS is very loving and caring daddy and the idea that he is in anyway less capable of caring for the baby than his mum is not the case.

DSS moved to his GF's city and had a job. They lived with her mum and so when the relationship broke down he was asked to leave. He doesn't like the city, hasn't made any friends apart from workmates and her friends and did make a snap judgement when she threw him out to quit his job and come home.
He's currently on his mum's sofa and feeling very low.

He needs a job and to then get his license but that isn't going to happen overnight.

I think short-term the letter suggested by one of the first posters is a good starting point and what I will gently recommend, despite being 24 DSS and his ex are pretty immature and she is using baby as weapon which is not in their best interest at all.

I can see it getting messy if I'm honest. They hadn't been together long really when baby was conceived accidently, her mum doesn't like him and has a lot of background that leads DSS's mum to think that she is pulling the strings (5 kids, 4 dads, ex-drug addict, long-term benefits etc) and her single daughter with a baby is now far more likely to get a HA flat than as a couple. I've only met her once and all our knowledge is secondhand from DSS and his mum. I generally try not to judge without my own experience but the optics aren't great!

The baby is very aware.

Sounds like they are both as bad as each other tbh. What a mess.

Sounds like they are both as bad as each other, going out for weekends away every weekend when the baby was 4 weeks? The pair of them need to grow up. He needs to get a job & learn to drive and grow up.

Honestly the whole situation sounds a complete mess especially as they've only known each other such a short amount of time. I suspect no matter what you try and encourage or advice your step son will think he knows best and do as he pleases so in all honesty I would stay out of the whole sorry situation as much as possible.

Clearly not as the op said both of them were leaving the baby from 4 weeks old to go away on weekends away!

Seriously, a 4 month old baby living with the dad when the mumis able and wanting to be the main carer? Parents are not interchangeable at this important, sensitive age. It isn't about his 'rights'. We have been given no reason at all to believe she is not a fit mother.

The amount of misandry on this thread.

yet so many threads complaining of men not pulling their weight when you have people like OP’s DSS that wants to do just that and is being told in advice that its not appropriate 😂

OP sounds like you have judged the situation correctly. The living with the MiL esp if she didn’t like him was never going to work out. I think he is going to need a lot of luck getting fair/equal rights and suspect he will land going through family court. Don’t let him give up if it gets to that, seeing his child is worth all the fight and sacrifices he has to make

Four months is far too young to stay away from the mother overnight. He’s going to have to spend a lot of time travelling to see them for a few hours a time several times a week until baby is older.