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Original poster

Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

141 replies

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 00:31

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

OP posts:
Madthings · 04/04/2026 15:15

ZingyLemonMoose · 04/04/2026 15:13

Four months is far too young to stay away from the mother overnight. He’s going to have to spend a lot of time travelling to see them for a few hours a time several times a week until baby is older.

Are you missing the bit where the OP states baby regularly is away from mum overnight and has been since 4 weeks old. Mum's choice to have a break so in this circumstance baby absolutely be in the care of dad overnight.

But ideally there would be contact little and often too, not just an overnight once a week. But 2-3hrs or more a few times during the week so dad remains a constant safe comforting presence.

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 15:20

If he has quit his job does that mean he is not paying child support, or does he have savings/financial support from his parents?

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 04/04/2026 15:23

Optics aren't great for your dss either.

At the moment, he is an adult who rashly packed in his job, returned to mummy's sofa an hour away from his baby, knowing he had no independent means of transport.

Pulling his weight as a dad right now means taking responsibility, finding a job, securing a place to live, paying maintenance, and then working out the best way to co-parent. How can he expect to take a newborn overnight when he does not even have a bed for himself?

For now, the most realistic approach is for him to see the baby regularly, even if only for shorter periods, until his circumstances stabilise. This will involve a lot of commuting, and since he is not currently employed he has plenty of time to do this so should not be an issue. It is a temporary step until he gets his life in order.

If he cannot reach an agreement with the mother, the next step is mediation or court for formal access arrangements. He was responsible enough to bring a child into the world and needs to step up and be responsible enough to resolve childcare arrangements properly.

Failing to do so risks him becoming just another feckless dad. You can't/shouldn't do this for him, sign post him but he needs to drive it from the beginning.

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/04/2026 15:27

His circumstances sound more stable than hers. Good luck to him getting 50:50.

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 15:34

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/04/2026 15:27

His circumstances sound more stable than hers. Good luck to him getting 50:50.

Neither of them sound like they’re in particularly stable situations at the moment.

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/04/2026 15:38

PinkFrogss · 04/04/2026 15:34

Neither of them sound like they’re in particularly stable situations at the moment.

Show quote history

The GF sounds like she comes from a chaotic background. Those circumstances are very difficult to change.

Sartre · 04/04/2026 17:37

He needs to learn to drive and find a place closer to his child. I’d say at such a young age it’s natural for a mother not to want to be apart from their baby overnight. If he lived closed / drove he could spend more days with the baby without the need for overnight visitation which I think should happen once they turn 1.

Dogmum74 · 06/04/2026 11:21

Solicitor asap. Get custody and access set in stone. And learn to drive. Those saying move closer than an hour away - no need as long as child can be collected and dropped off, which BTW should be a shared thing i.e one parent collects and the other parent drops off

LadyPorkPie · 06/04/2026 11:32

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 14:00

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Lots of useful resources to look into with DSS and it's good to have some starting points as he is in a bit of a spin with it all and emotions are high.

To clarify a few things... I am referring him to DSS as he is my partners eldest child, however he was 19 when I met my partner so I have no maternal involvement. I'm keen to support him alongside my DP and there have been no shortage of tough love conversations where we (and his mum) are adamant he needs to put babies needs first.

For those who are aghast at the idea of this baby being away from his mum for more than a couple of hours... as a couple they left baby overnight with both her mum and his mum so they could go out from approx 4 weeks old. They had nights in hotels to have a "break" and also nights on the town and not returning til lunchtime the following day with hangovers and both mums happy to continue to care for baby whilst they slept it off. (I have soooooo many opinions about this...I EBF my sons until they were 30 months, had them in a sling most of the time, embraced 4th trimester and didn't spend a night apart from them until eldest was 3 and 3 months when I was in hospital after having his baby brother so I am forever biting my lip on the choices that they have made) Despite my judgy pants being firmly hoiked, I can see that DSS is very loving and caring daddy and the idea that he is in anyway less capable of caring for the baby than his mum is not the case.

DSS moved to his GF's city and had a job. They lived with her mum and so when the relationship broke down he was asked to leave. He doesn't like the city, hasn't made any friends apart from workmates and her friends and did make a snap judgement when she threw him out to quit his job and come home.
He's currently on his mum's sofa and feeling very low.

He needs a job and to then get his license but that isn't going to happen overnight.

I think short-term the letter suggested by one of the first posters is a good starting point and what I will gently recommend, despite being 24 DSS and his ex are pretty immature and she is using baby as weapon which is not in their best interest at all.

I can see it getting messy if I'm honest. They hadn't been together long really when baby was conceived accidently, her mum doesn't like him and has a lot of background that leads DSS's mum to think that she is pulling the strings (5 kids, 4 dads, ex-drug addict, long-term benefits etc) and her single daughter with a baby is now far more likely to get a HA flat than as a couple. I've only met her once and all our knowledge is secondhand from DSS and his mum. I generally try not to judge without my own experience but the optics aren't great!

@dontpokethemommabear Just because you chose to have your baby hanging from you (literally!) until primary school doesn’t mean you should judge other mothers for having a night off and formula feeding. Vile.

RoseField1 · 06/04/2026 11:33

Dogmum74 · 06/04/2026 11:21

Solicitor asap. Get custody and access set in stone. And learn to drive. Those saying move closer than an hour away - no need as long as child can be collected and dropped off, which BTW should be a shared thing i.e one parent collects and the other parent drops off

Transporting between parents shouldn't necessarily be shared if one parent moved away from the child.

RachTheAlpaca · 06/04/2026 11:33

Obviously he needs to learn to drive!

Pherian · 06/04/2026 11:34

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 00:31

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

He needs legal advice. Mumsnet folks generally well meaning and completely useless on complex legal topics. There are alot of nuances to family law that require a conversation with a solicitor.

Get a solicitor immediately and get him into driving lessons. He needs a car and he needs a suitable home for himself and an infant. If he isn’t already - he needs a job.

Emmz1510 · 06/04/2026 11:36

Every three weeks is not an acceptable level of contact for a capable, involved parent. What reason has his ex given? Even though he lives an hour away, can he travel to see the baby as well as having him/her for overnights? An hour isn’t completely unmanageable. Ideally he should be having 50/50, but I can see why that would be difficult for now. Long term he can work towards moving closer if possible, but in the meantime he should be having baby at least every other weekend and through the week. Maybe he could look after baby at yours for the afternoon sometimes? What are his working hours?
Ultimately if is ex won’t agree to a more reasonable arrangement voluntarily- which should of course be his first port of call- he’ll need to seek legal advice.

Thatcrazymama · 06/04/2026 11:39

this is parental alienation

Twitwooooo · 06/04/2026 11:40

He needs to seek legal advice if he wants contact which is set and they’re unable to agree independently.
Finding his own place nearby baby is a good idea too.

MyFAFOera · 06/04/2026 11:45

dontpokethemommabear · 04/04/2026 14:00

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Lots of useful resources to look into with DSS and it's good to have some starting points as he is in a bit of a spin with it all and emotions are high.

To clarify a few things... I am referring him to DSS as he is my partners eldest child, however he was 19 when I met my partner so I have no maternal involvement. I'm keen to support him alongside my DP and there have been no shortage of tough love conversations where we (and his mum) are adamant he needs to put babies needs first.

For those who are aghast at the idea of this baby being away from his mum for more than a couple of hours... as a couple they left baby overnight with both her mum and his mum so they could go out from approx 4 weeks old. They had nights in hotels to have a "break" and also nights on the town and not returning til lunchtime the following day with hangovers and both mums happy to continue to care for baby whilst they slept it off. (I have soooooo many opinions about this...I EBF my sons until they were 30 months, had them in a sling most of the time, embraced 4th trimester and didn't spend a night apart from them until eldest was 3 and 3 months when I was in hospital after having his baby brother so I am forever biting my lip on the choices that they have made) Despite my judgy pants being firmly hoiked, I can see that DSS is very loving and caring daddy and the idea that he is in anyway less capable of caring for the baby than his mum is not the case.

DSS moved to his GF's city and had a job. They lived with her mum and so when the relationship broke down he was asked to leave. He doesn't like the city, hasn't made any friends apart from workmates and her friends and did make a snap judgement when she threw him out to quit his job and come home.
He's currently on his mum's sofa and feeling very low.

He needs a job and to then get his license but that isn't going to happen overnight.

I think short-term the letter suggested by one of the first posters is a good starting point and what I will gently recommend, despite being 24 DSS and his ex are pretty immature and she is using baby as weapon which is not in their best interest at all.

I can see it getting messy if I'm honest. They hadn't been together long really when baby was conceived accidently, her mum doesn't like him and has a lot of background that leads DSS's mum to think that she is pulling the strings (5 kids, 4 dads, ex-drug addict, long-term benefits etc) and her single daughter with a baby is now far more likely to get a HA flat than as a couple. I've only met her once and all our knowledge is secondhand from DSS and his mum. I generally try not to judge without my own experience but the optics aren't great!

It was incredibly irresponsible of him to quit his job on a whim. How is he going to support his child without a job?! That is not the behaviour of a mature parent. The job market right now is really poor it was ridiculous to give up a job when he has a baby to support as well as himself.

Just because he didn't like the city - his child lives there, so if he wants a relationship with his child he needs to go cap in hand back to work and ask for his job back - it surely hasn't been that long? They may not have filled it. And find somewhere to live even just a basic studio flat, so that he can be a responsible parent.

Voneska · 06/04/2026 11:55

Baby is too young to leave mum.

patooties · 06/04/2026 11:59

Thatcrazymama · 06/04/2026 11:39

this is parental alienation

Is it hell - he quit his job and moved an hour away 🤣

Usernamechanging · 06/04/2026 12:04

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2026 00:34

He needs to start working on finding a place closer to the baby. Learning to drive (if he can) is probably also a good idea.

He should ask for 50/50 access to the baby and negotiate from there. If she won't budge then he'll need a court order.

At 4 months old, the baby needs a primary attachment. 50/50 is entirely unreasonable. And impossible at an hours drove away when relying on others to make the journey.

I would ask for mediation and if she won't do that then court. Be prepared for her to make stuff up to keep him away. He will need to be persistent. Working towards overnight contact by the 12 month mark would be reasonable then pushing for more as toddlerdom starts. Learn to drive and look at moving closer are sensible options.

pruningmybush · 06/04/2026 12:16

patooties · 06/04/2026 11:59

Is it hell - he quit his job and moved an hour away 🤣

Show quote history

Quite!

NuffSaidSam · 06/04/2026 12:18

Usernamechanging · 06/04/2026 12:04

At 4 months old, the baby needs a primary attachment. 50/50 is entirely unreasonable. And impossible at an hours drove away when relying on others to make the journey.

I would ask for mediation and if she won't do that then court. Be prepared for her to make stuff up to keep him away. He will need to be persistent. Working towards overnight contact by the 12 month mark would be reasonable then pushing for more as toddlerdom starts. Learn to drive and look at moving closer are sensible options.

Show quote history

Would you say this is they were together and he did 50% of the childcare?

My guess is no.

It would be positively encouraged for him to be an equal parent.

pruningmybush · 06/04/2026 12:19

If he wants to be a proper parent to this child he needs to sort out a job where the child lives and move back there. He's acting like a child.

Then he can gradually build up time with the child over the years. 50/50 is awful for tiny children, but can be worked up to when they are older. But what really makes the difference is both parents living near to each other.

He can quit his job and scamper back to his mum's then whine about getting his fare share of time with the child. He needs to act like a grown up. And put the child first not his wishes and needs

pruningmybush · 06/04/2026 12:20

NuffSaidSam · 06/04/2026 12:18

Would you say this is they were together and he did 50% of the childcare?

My guess is no.

It would be positively encouraged for him to be an equal parent.

Show quote history

I disagree . Babies need stability and a main parent. The rest can be worked towards. 50/50 at this age is not prioritising the child's needs

Usernamechanging · 06/04/2026 12:22

NuffSaidSam · 06/04/2026 12:18

Would you say this is they were together and he did 50% of the childcare?

My guess is no.

It would be positively encouraged for him to be an equal parent.

Show quote history

Yes. Do a little research on attachment for babies. The first 12 months are crucial psychologically. After that, sure, look at what works. I am not a fan of 50/50 for many reasons but if a couple want that and make it work for the child then why not? But not the first 12 months.

RoseField1 · 06/04/2026 12:22

NuffSaidSam · 06/04/2026 12:18

Would you say this is they were together and he did 50% of the childcare?

My guess is no.

It would be positively encouraged for him to be an equal parent.

Show quote history

It's completely different. Unless the parents were together but somehow each of them left the house and had no contact with the baby for 50% of the week then it's not the same scenario is it? The scenario you're talking about is a baby being cared for 24/7 between two main attachment figures (which is fine for infant development) not a baby being cared for half the time by one person and half by another with no crossover!

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