Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

[dontpokethemommabear]

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

This is really bad advice. Why do you think he should apply to court? They are at the very beginning of working out coparenting. Do you have any experience of the family court? It's a terrible process and should be avoided where possible. Applying to court should always be a last resort where discussion has completely failed.

This is absolute garbage
You realise DSS stands for dear step son not department of social services!?
Even if it did, it would still be garbage

I think it makes things easier and clearer with someone there to be objective about what is best for the baby. I think it's best to have it formalised early on.

Do you have any experience of the family court?

The family court is not there to be treated like the grown up in the situation deciding what's best for a child. The parents should be able to do that. You can't even apply to court without mediation first because the courts are trying to push back on parents misusing the process when they can work out arrangements themselves. If you do apply to court there are huge delays, often costs, hearings, intrusive assessments and the process can take up to a year or more in many cases. It's awful and should never be entered into unless communication has completely broken down.

One hour isn’t that far - I commute more than that each day!!
He needs to learn to drive . This will make visitation so much easier !
is he working ?
Avoid courts of you can - it just adds fuel to the fire , drags on for ages and causes more conflict between the parents .

Yes I still think it is the best idea to follow their recommended process. That is through life experience of long term co-parenting arrangements. I advise the dad in this situation to pursue formal legal channels.

Again, do you have direct experience of the family court?

Yes. You wont change my mind. I think the contact should be formalised and legal for everyone's sake. You sre allowed to disagree and advise the OP as much. I don't care what you think. We are all here to give our views.

”The child has 2 parents with equal rights and responsibilities” yes and it’s about the child and what is in their best interests, not the parent. Fairness to either one of the parents simply doesn’t come into it.

Presumably DSS is working, and ex is on maternity leave for starters. It’s unlikely the child is better off with dad and going to childcare daily, than being at home cared for by their mum.

If there genuinely is some sort of exceptional circumstances that means DSS should be the primary carer it’s concerning that he has left his baby in the care of the mother and is not doing more to ensure he has custody.

Advice while he lives far away is to ask work for compressed hours and get at least an afternoon or morning off midweek. Take baby out locally to a children’s activity like soft play or children’s library for that afternoon. So he always has Wednesday as daddy day. It would be better if he does a shift every Saturday or Sunday for now rather than all weekend every other weekend so that baby isn’t away from usual home and mum for too long and baby sees its dad more frequently.

is mum comfortable doing visits in her home? I don’t think he should push to take baby away from its home over an hour away until it’s a few months older.

I would strongly advise against court while baby is so little as stressing the mother out when it’s so young is worse for a baby then not seeing a dad as much - post natal depression in mum places baby at a huge risk

Little and often visits are much better for their bond and for baby’s wellbeing then going a long time without seeing baby and then taking baby away from familiar home and main caregiver for a long time

He needs to move much closer to his baby and follow this

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order

I think honestly what he needs to be considering is what's best for baby. Especially since they are still very, very young. I wouldn't be suggesting 50/50 contact for a child of that age, but EOW or a full day once a week is very realistic.

He needs to be looking at renting somewhere closer by than he currently is and structuring his life around where his child is and being stable. As the child gets older he'll be able to request more contact increasing to 50/50 depending on what is best for the child.

Of course it's important he maintains a relationship with his child but I think overnights at this age are unrealistic as kids of that age need structure around sleep etc. I'd also be thinking about the fact his ex is only 4 months post partum and is now dealing with a break up and potentially having reduced access to her child. I know I couldn't have coped what that at 4 months pp so I think he also needs to be considering what's in the best interests of the mother of his child and the primary care giver. So travelling a few times a week to see the child, take them out and do bedtime etc is probably the best option for all right now. I'd be trying to explain this to him and make sure he's not only seeing his own interests in this.

Given the young age of the baby, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect overnight visits. The baby may well find it distressing to suddenly be away from their mother for a prolonged period of time.

i think they need to come to an arrangement that doesn’t involve long periods or overnights away and to do that, he needs to live closer. Shorter, more frequent visits are more practical for such a young baby.

Why an hour away? How is baby getting to him? Is he expecting her to bring baby to him?

Of course you can.

You CAN but you SHOULDN'T.

Really good point.

I hadn't left any of my babies for more than an hour at 4 months. I feel for your DSS though- lots of short contact is surely ideal at this age.

First things first why can't he drive and why isn't he addressing this ASAP?

I’m sure he’s a cracking lad - why did they split? Is he going for this forevermore? How much are his parents and grandparents pushing this? It’s a bit of a no brainer- at the v least he should work out that in order to support and have a relationship with his child he needs to be local. Were they always an hour apart? Or did someone move?

That’s different

There are lots of very strong feelings here about the baby not being separated from the mum for more than an hour, or overnight.

Are many people missing that the baby's MUM suggested overnights Sat AM to Sun PM?

This isn't an absent father starting contact with the child for the first time, it is an involved father who lived with and cared for the baby from birth.

If the mother is going to keep changing her mind, (which is understandable when facing time apart from your small baby,) it does sound like mediation or a formal agreement will be needed. As the grandparents will likely be facilitating transportation, at least in the near future, consideration for all involved would be good.

Hopefully they work it out between them in the baby's best interests, without the need for court.

Where does he work, if he's upped and moved an hour away? Were they on a tenancy or did they own a house together?

I assume he was working when they were together or did he quit his job too when he left?