Advice for DSS re access to baby post breakup...

[dontpokethemommabear]

DSS 24 and his girlfriend have split up. Their baby is 4 months old. DSS has had to move home which is over an hour away from the baby and ex GF. He doesnt drive. But has support from parents/grandparents. Initially his ex said he could have baby saturday am to sunday pm EOW... now saying only this every three weeks.
Baby is bottle fed and DSS has been very involved from birth.
Can anyone advise how to move forward as 36 hours every three weeks is not enough contact time at all. DSS wants to see his baby as much as possible and there are no reasons why he shouldn't maintain the relationship.
He has parental responsibility and there are no other reasons why he shouldn't have access to his child.

Their recommended process is to coparent like two adults and sort it out between yourselves. Only when you've decided that the child is unfortunate enough to have an immature parent that cannot do that should mediation step in to be the middle ground. And only once it has been decided that a mediator cannot get through to the immature parent should a court step in to make a decision.

It sounds like theyve exhausted step 1 then.

It really doesn't. They are at the starting point of negotiations.

I don't think they have completely exhausted it. It is the step parent asking for advice, so my advice to them would be to stop babying the step son, encourage him to act like a 24 year old man rather than a toddler fighting over a toy.

It does because she reneged on their original agreement.

What do you mean the 'stepsons credit?'

mums dont get credit or a noble prize award for being a mum. But a dad gets 'credit' for simply being in involved dad? No wonder there's so many man children about. He needs to drive as long as he can medically and he needs a place near the baby. Bottle feeding is irrelevant the bag is barely out of the newborn stage.

Please don't start giving grown men 'credit' for simply doing what they should be doing. It puts them on a pedestal when we have enough validated and enabled men from parents (manly mums) babying them.

Yes but first he should ask to do mediation with baby's mum.

Courts wont accept goung straight to this without having tried mediation snd they will provide a voucher to cover initial mediation sessions thrn its often done on a sliding scale by income.

When I did it we only had one mediation session and ex showed that he wasnt going to take it seriously so they then issued s certificate saying it needed court. Which I then had to show when I applied for c100 chokd arrangements.

This is a recent break up. You DSS must communice in email, text, politely focusing on best interests of baby at all times. No mud slinging, no personal atta ks keep it all child focused.

Offer his availability and say I can be flexible what works for the baby's routine and mum. Basically be super nice snd super child focused.

If communication is difficult you can suggest they use one of the court approved coparenting apps.

All of this will work in his favour.

Once every three weeks is not enough it needs to be little snd often something like 2 or 3 weekday sessions even if only short ie 3 hours, and one whole day each weekend. Every other weekend etc is not really suitable for a little baby who needs little and often contact.

What are both parents doing job wise? To try and work around that?

If DSS can facilitate 50 50 thrn thats great but he needs to move snd be closer for it to work well.

Not RTFT but this situation is not about what is in the interests of DSS but about what's in the interests of the baby.

DSS sounds like a caring dad. It is in the baby's best interests to see him and develop a bond with him. It is not in the baby's best interests to be removed from the mother for a period of 36 hours every fortnight not in the baby's best interests to be carted off in the car to satisfy the father and his living arrangements.

DSS is a dad now. He needs to find a job and move nearer to his child so he can play an active and regular part in the baby's life.

I cannot possibly condone removing a tiny baby from the mother for full weekends. It's not right for baby or for mum. DSS needs to find a way to be there for his baby and develop a meaningful relationship which works for the child so that he can then get a regular contact arrangement in place as the child grows up.

This

The comments here are just mean, snide comments about i’m sure he’s smashing, always the go to that the man is wrong.
Can nobody read ? the babies mum suggested overnight and yes a baby can be away from their mum, he’s obviously moved home as not everyone can fund a new home at the drop of a hat.
OP he needs to try and have a calm conversation with her and try and reach an agreement and going forward a court order will keep it right as she has already changed her mind, this happened to my friend; his ex changed access every few weeks and if he couldn’t get time off/swap a shift the kids were told he let them down, just about destroyed his MH, even now as older teens/young adults they trot out utter lies they’ve been fed by their mum. He did eventually get court ordered access, it keeps everyone right.

No, she proposed a change. He now needs to negotiate with her around finding a middle point between what she proposed and what he's proposing. Honestly, suggesting they need mediation is so premature and so infantilising. This is an adult man who is going to have to communicate with this woman for 16 plus years. Writing off any chance of this when they are both in the trenches of a very young baby and in the aftermath of a recent split when emotions are raw is so misguided.

I think handling it through courts where you make a formal commitment in front of a judge is quite grown up.

It's really not
I have been involved professionally in dozens of private proceedings. There is nothing adult about asking daddy a judge to decide how you manage your parenting arrangements. It's not what family court is for or should be for.

Short and often would be much better for the baby at that age
One day every weekend would be better than a whole weekend every other weekend

Does he work? Can he rent a place near her?

It should if the parents can't agree on what is best for the child and their long-term relationships with their parents.

https://www.justice.gov.uk/courts/procedure-rules/family/practice_directions/pd_part_12b
https://www.justice.gov.uk/courts/procedure-rules/family/parts/part_03
https://www.judiciary.uk/about-the-judiciary/our-justice-system/jurisdictions/family-jurisdiction/

please take a look at these links, practice directions for the family court and this speech by the president of the family division on this exact subject

https://www.judiciary.uk/speech-by-the-president-of-the-family-division-when-families-fall-apart-do-they-fall-too-easily-into-court/

private family law proceedings should be avoided at all costs where possible. This is explicitly stated in recent family law protocol and guidance. Your advice is simply bad.

Mothers and fathers aren't interchangeable. Yes you can remove a 16 week old baby from its mother for 2 days but should you? Is it good for them or for their mother? My baby is around that age and the obvious answer is No. I wouldn't allow it right now even with their dad or close family unless there was absolutely no other choice, i.e. I was in hospital or something.

He should be able to see the baby for shorter periods though and closer to the mother. It's also in baby's and dad's best interests to develop a strong relationship.

If parents disagree on what is best for their child, I don't think one should just back down and agree to a plan they don't think is in the child's best interests. Court is the place to decide that.

The CAP is designed to assist families to reach safe and child-focused agreements for their child, where possible out of the court setting. If parents / families are unable to reach agreement, and a court application is made, the CAP encourages swift resolution of the dispute through the court.

He needs to drive. Its simple

The poster warning against using courts unncessarily is correct. There is a lot more that can be done here before any need to recourse to stressful litigation and court proceedings

My best friend is a family lawyer - she says she advises any parent to avoid lawyers and courts at all costs unless sadly there is total breakdown in relationship. This does not sound the case here.

I think what would be best - as has already been mentioned - is that the young man looks for ways to have shorter and more frequent times with his child - this would also be far more helpful for the mother.

Rather than wanting 'long slots ' ie. weekends - he needs to see himself as co parent - might mum want a particular day off in the week? might she be preparing to go back ot work - what could he do/ could he start preparing to have the baby at that point a day or two?

The baby isn't a present to be handed over, this is about working out realistic co parenting

I believe at 4 months, if mum is main parent at present, it will be tough on the baby to do overnights once a month - that sounds like an unhelpful arrangement.

an hour is nothing - he could be going and taking the baby for walks for starters - helping mum by actually doing real parenting. He could even ask to go and do regular bathtimes etc?

Misunderstanding of the law - they don't exist to 'oversee' parenting arrangements -== as some sort of sensible precaution. They are an admission of complete failure and only get involved where there is a genuinely unworkable situation - with both parents unable to set aside differences and put the child first.

one more thing, think it's already mentioned but a good dad does not stress a new mum out!

He needs to work at this collaboratively - and as they are young all parents/ .grandparents need to be very mindful that mum is tired and coping full time with a small baby - no need to argue or approach things in a combatative way.

Just say - I would like to begin building a relationship with my child, could we look at mid weeks etc?

It might be that mum would be very happpy to share the parenting - but does not want to lose a tiny baby for 48 hours at a time.

Yes, exactly :/

So if they are unable to reach agreement, then court it is. Better sooner than later.