I’ve been called a golddigger, haven’t I?

[LouLee63]

I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, married for 20. Really happy together, have a good relationship. We have a really “equal” marriage. We both work full time, contribute everything into one pot, financially comfortable with investments, pensions- all that good stuff.

He lost his last remaining parent a little while ago and, subsequently received a generous inheritance (high six-figures after taxes). As an only child, he was the sole beneficiary.

I met an old friend for dinner last night and she asked after my husband. I said he was well, coming to terms with his bereavement. She asked if probate was sorted and I said yes, without going into detail.

She then said I had “made a very shrewd move”. I asked what she meant and she said I was very smart to “make sure (I) married an only child who’d inherit well”. I pointed out that my husband and I met when we were in our teens and it wasn’t a conscious choice. I married him because I love him. She sneered and said “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that”.

I cut the evening short after that.

AIBU to be annoyed that she basically call me a golddigger, and reconsider our friendship?

I'd leave it - I suspect she'll apologise

I'd tell her not everyone is a calculated bitch, she's judging you by her own poor standards. She's no friend

I agree.

Honestly, the cheek of the woman! How dare she make assumptions like that and voice them, I am appalled on your behalf.

It doesn't always follow that a child will inherit a lot from well off parents anyway, they might spend most of it or make unwise investments and lose a lot. Nothing is certain.

As long as you and your husband are happy, it doesn't matter but cut this rude and resentful person out of your life!

Did SHE ever have her eye on your dh?

That makes it even worse then. She's obviously been hiding that jealousy and resentment a long time.

Unfortunately I think a lot of friendships will be torn apart as some otherwise ordinary people inherit "lottery win" amounts. It's the huge downside of an inheritocracy.

I am not saying your friend was ok to say it to your face. And it's clear you aren't a gold digger.

But I think it's quite understandable if it ruptures friendships. People are human.

I understood why friends with fertility issues veered away from those of us churning out babies.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I think a lot of people treat the passing of a 93 year old parent as “aren’t you lucky you had them for so long”, whereas I see it that you knew them for longer and therefore the process of their absence is even harder. Sending love xx

If you ever speak to her again (as you have such a long friendship) and she pulls this nonsense I would reply with "we'd give it all back and more to have them alive." If you are felling strong, recount to them the manner in which you lost your loved one. Peopke seem to forget that someone we love has to die to get an inheritance, and often need a short sharp shock to bring them back to normality. I say this as my DDad passed too soon, I inherited, and people treated it like a windfall. I would say the above, and explain in detail how we nursed DDad to the very end.

She's projecting envy.

It's just plain rude too.

It might have dawned on her that you are comfortable. Still, none of her business.

If she thought about it logically she’d know it doesn’t make sense. Nobody plans that far in advance! His parents could have spent all the money on holidays or care home fees.

Either she’s jealous that as a couple you have inherited or she was trying to make a joke. By the fact you don’t feel it was a joke I suspect it wasn’t.

I think I’d have to message her. ‘I keep thinking about what you said last night, and I think if that’s really what you think of me then best we not speak again. I’ll stick to hanging out with people who respect our grief at losing dhs dad/mum and who don’t think I was a manipulative mercenary 18yo who chose dh for his family’s assets.’

If the comment says more about her than you, what is she telling you?

She’s showing you exactly how her own mind works. It’s horrible to make snide digs regarding a bereavement but it’s likely to be jealousy that you are both happily married and financially comfortable.

She's jealous.
I'm sure I'd feel a pang of envy if I were in her shoes but I would have a word with myself and get over it.
As it happens I am an only child and could (potentially) inherit a 7 figure sum. Which (potentially) makes my husband a gold digger

That's very odd. Also illogical. No self-respecting gold-digger would marry someone when it involved waiting for decades for the money.

Maybe she regards marriage differently than you do. Maybe she regards you differently than you think she does. Maybe she was just having a cynical moment. The problem is that you lost your chance to delve by cutting the evening short. I suppose you could call and say, "You know, I've been brooding about your remark..." But you lost the momentum.

Whether you want to end the friendship depends on how much pleasure you derive from it otherwise.

Wow that's incredibly rude.

What's she like normally?

But few people come back with the perfect response immediately. I certainly don’t. As it happens, I have to spend time with someone who specialises in ambiguous putdowns. I know they are nasty but would look paranoid if I replied accordingly.

It must have some sort of truth, or OP wouldn't be so upset by the accusation.
If it was completely false she would just laugh it off.
(Ask a psychologist.)

What a shitty thing to say.

I suppose must be so difficult when you have misfortune upon misfortune and the opposite seems to happen to friends (from her perspective, as you say the loss is more on your mind than the money).

She had a really ugly moment there when jealousy got the better of her and said something terrible. But that's just one comment out the many thousands she has made to you in her life. But why does that particular one have to define her as a person and not the other 999+?

This doesn’t speak too kindly on those of us that lost our parents at a young age.

Thank you X

I think childhhod friends can be a bit like sisters; there is love, but also the potential for comparison, rivalry, envy and even jealousy.

You've built a great life for yourself and she sounds jealous. The money is something tangible she thinks she can take a pop at you for.

It's not acceptable for her to say this, but I would not end a long and close friendship if there was a chance to reconcile. You need to let her know that you are hurt and give her the chance to explain herself and apologise. I suspect that her marriage and life are miserable and she's lashing out.

Youve been friends for 40 years. She once made a similar comment years ago whilst going through a horrendously tough time. She knows what you do for a living but you don’t think she understands how much you earn… I’m guessing she is not in the sort of salary bracket as you. What is her financial situation like? What is her relationship status? What is/was her relationship with her parents like? If you think about these questions you’ll probably start to get some clues about why she would make such an agressive and illogical comment. Tell her how hurtful you found it and ask her why she said it. Judge from her response whether to step back from the friendship or not.

Quite. I guess we can all be thoughtless with our comments OP