I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

But it’s clear she needs the equity for the deposit isn’t it? And presumably doesn’t want the instability of renting.

like most when they move house

How on earth is he grabby for wanting to protect his share of the house (which he will contribute to over time) for the sake of his children?

Surely in this situation the grabby character would be the one insisting that they get all of the house, at the exclusion of children.

Good compromise.

This.

Also its the OPS flat sale that's providing the deposit! What's he contributing? Yet wants HIS kids to take precedent over OP if he dies!

Presume he's paying half the mortgage for the other 90% of the property.

Don’t presume anything
He’s got three children and an ex that’s still rinsing him

Women have to protect themselves, simple as. They always have more to lose. In every way.
Men should also protect their kids. Blending families is very complicated.

Op, you sound much more financially savvy than him. I would advise waiting a while after the baby is born to see what kind of parent he is to a young child and how he is as a father to your child before becoming financially entwined with this man. Also I suspect he may feel like it is your job to finance your child while he focuses on the other three

Thank You for sharing. As DP has fought very hard to stay in his children’s lives, I don’t think he’d walk away from our child. I do think I’d be swiftly replaced though! And if he and
another woman ended up raising my child along with SC, I think it’s fair enough that they get a paid off house to do it in, and hopefully they’d have a better qualify of childhood. DP comes from a country where you can’t disinherit a child so although it’s possible, I think it’s unlikely he’d disinherit them.

I’ll have separate insurance policies and trusts going to my child in trust.

Thank you for this balanced view.

I’d be happy to discuss again when our child is say, 10, and then 18. I’m not trying to rip off his children, just to protect mine’s childhood security if the worst happens.

He can take out additional life insurance. You both can. But his % of the equity in the house should absolutely go to his kids!

Let's say you remain unmarried and the house is bought as joint tenants, should either of you die the house passes to the other immediately.

If he dies, you get everything and his older kids get nada.

If you buy as tenants in common, where you ringfence your deposit and split the remaining according to accrued equity then you get your original share back as a % and the rest is split
(Say purchase price £100k, you put in 50k, set up tenants in common at 75%yours, 25% his so if he dies you keep your share as a proportion of your original investment, ALL his kids get a share of his 25% of accrued equity)

If you're married then I believe you'd get his share anyway unless he writes a will. He could still write a will passing his share to ALL his kids leaving you a lifetime interest.

You could both get extra life insurance as if either one of you dies then the expense of bringing up your joint child alone would be covered. He can take extra to ensure his own DC are taken care of.

As an aside, you're more likely to be critically ill than die during your mortgage term, worth considering this insurance too.

Always operate on the assumption something will go wrong

If you got married, you'd get it all if he died. Just saying!

Under no circumstances, sell your flat until this is sorted. DO NOT agree to
• sorting it at a later date, (it will be too late).
• only buy the property if he agrees that if he dies first, house goes to you & vice versa

Or

• seek legal advice, to see if possible, that if he dies first, his share goes to his children upon your death OR you can buy the children out of their share & vice versa if you were in agreement.

Don't be afraid to discuss your fears with him, you love each other & you can sort this, you just need to address the issues on both sides.

But obviously ring fence your deposit.

if the sexes were reversed you’d be making sure the woman got married. It should be the same for the man

That’s part of the baggage you took on - he’s got kids and your relationship with him shouldn’t completely disinherit them. Work something out.

Her baby is also his child?

My brother did that. When he died his 2nd wife got everything, leaving his children from previous marriage with nothing

Keep your flat, do not sell it. Rent it out.

Find deposit elsewhere or simply wait.

The fairer way and what most people do is leave the home to the surviving partner with the proviso that if they want to sell the property they give the share of the deceased partner to the children or when the partner dies the.property is sold and the children inherite the partner portion.
You are bu as you are already considering desheriting his children, that's not right.

Is he paying towards the mortgage or are you paying for it all?

If you are concerned about your deposit (and rightly so!) then get it written up so that you get your deposit back in any future unfortunate event and then split the rest.

But to expect a man to pay towards a home and leave all his share to you and one of his children and nothing to his other biookids? YABU and incredibly selfish.

Wait until when though?

Do people realise how normal people live? Who on earth is saving a deposit on mat leave with 4 kids, whilst renting?

This is not about insurance: it's about wills. My husband and I both have children from previous relationships. Our mirror wills protect us both, and also our children. The home is protected for the surviving spouse on death, so they don't suddenly find themselves hoofed out of their home. On the death of the remaining spouse, the estate is shared with 50% to my children, and 50% to his children.
If you are not married, sorting your wills is even more important. Don't leave yourself vulnerable. This doesn't just matter now, but in 20, 30, 40, 50 years time when one of you will pass away before the other.
If your partner can't see this, red flags should be waving.

As you are the only one putting in equity you need to both purchase this house as tenants in common (NOT joint tenants). This will financially protect you. Ensure a will is written up dividing up the assets to which children if you so decide.

Joint tenants own the whole property together, and ownership automatically passes to the survivor if one dies, suitable for couples. Tenants in common own distinct, divisible shares (e.g., 50/50, 70/30) that can be passed on by will, ideal for friends or new relationships with unequal contributions. Joint tenants have equal rights, while tenants in common can have unequal interests, the same % is divided should you seperate in the future thus protecting your investment). Will require a will to state who gets what especially with Tenants in Common (gaining popularity with blended families / where one person has a larger asset to put down when purchasing property).

Really surprised by the voting here so far.
He has kids, of course they should come first. Firstly you should ring fence your deposit as a percentage of what the house is worth now. Eg you got 25k deposit, house worth now £100k so he owns only the remaining 37.5%. That leaves you protected assuming everything thereforward is paid 50/50.

But he would be a really shit dad if he took out this insurance leaving all to you instead of his kids. If he died shortly after you bought then you would have everything. Likely go on to meet someone else and they benefit too, your future kids also benefit from his death, but his very own get nothing.

All people voting OP should get the money, would you really write your existing DC out of inheritance for a new relationship? I definitely wouldn't. I'll likely never marry to protect what I bring to the table from being taken from my DC who has been the 1 living the sacrifices for me to have got to this place. Less time with mum, more time with childminders