I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

Exactly. No man is worth taking on 3 children for! No man.

I would not go near a man who had SO many kids. And then to be expected to treat three other kids as equal to my ONe child.

hou have a good set up. One owned house for your one child. Why risk all of that to be sharing it with other peoples kids? It sounds selfish, but then I am when it comes to my kids.

This! This!

Keep your flat! Do not sell your flat and buy home with him under the current circumstances. You're not even married, he has 3 children, and you're 'happy surprise' pregnant when you haven't even discussed basics by the sound of it.

I'd stay put if I were you.

This, and don't get married.

Exactly this!
keep it as an investment- why should you put a deposit down for a house for you all and then if he dies you’re potentially homeless that’s absolutely ridiculous!

You’re confusing what the life insurance does with what ownership of the house and wills do.

You can get mirror policies, or a joint life policy, which would pay out an amount sufficient to pay off the mortgage on the death of the first of you, with the policy paying the survivor. However, in the absence of wills leaving the house to the survivor, the survivor would get the money under the policy but not ownership of the house.

To achieve your aim, you need wills in which you each leave the house to the other. Or you could own the house as joint tenants, in which case what a will says would be irrelevant because joint tenancy mean the house can ONLY pass to the survivor entirely.

To achieve your partner’s aim, you’d need to own as tenants in common (as opposed to joint tenants) AND have wills. Then in his will he could give you a life interest in the house (meaning that after his death you could live in it for life), after which his share passes to his children (which should be in equal shares to any existing and future children you may have). You could also leave your share to whomever you wish, which may be to your one child entirely or to that child and any others you may have. This would mean (unless you have lots more kids) that once you’re both dead, his children will each have ended up with less than the child you’re about to have (an a further child if you want 2), since his share would be split minimum 4 ways and yours might go to only one child (who would also have received 25% of his share).

As you’re putting in the deposit, the deed of trust under which your respective shares in the house are recorded (if owning as tenants in common) should reflect the unequal initial contributions. So if you’re buying a £400k house with a £40k deposit and then sharing mortgage payments 50/50, your share should be 10% of the sale price plus 50% of the balance.

If you did not know all of the above already, you definitely need to take legal advice before committing to this very significant financial decision which will affect your and all the children’s futures.

It’s not unreasonable of him to want to ensure that his children inherit his share of the house, rather than any new partner you may get after he dies. You would want to ensure the same for your children.

I think you need to think a little more clearly. What would his ex be entitled to? Does he owe her money? She’s an ex, surely it’s unlikely at best that she could bring a claim against his estate if he died? Unless he owes her money, which his estate should rightly pay if he dies, surely this isn’t an actual
problem?

I think that the person you're quoting probably meant that his 50% should be split equally between all four children but her 50% goes just to their joint child (plus any more children that they have together)

Imagine if the sexes were the other way round, and here you are saying:

"Exactly. No woman is worth taking on 3 children for! No woman.

I would not go near a woman who had SO many kids. And then to be expected to treat three other kids as equal to my ONe child."

"It sounds selfish, but then I am when it comes to my kids."

If you wrote that here people would rightly condemn you for that attitude. So why do you feel it is acceptable the other way round?

Theoretical If you were to marry, then any inheritance automatically goes to remaining living spouse- so I’m not sure why people are insisting money should go to his kids (wouldn’t be the case if you married), or it’s unreasonable to expect to be beneficiary in the event of death to avoid homelessness.
After both parties had died then any remaining inheritance should be distributed according to the will. So OP if you go through with this, I would suggest putting a will in place so that his children would inherit his contribution to the house when both have passed and say you would honour it. I would feel uncomfortable though that your partner would not want to see you financially sound in the event he died and is bringing this up, not sure how I would feel about this… I can see that he would want to provide for his kids, but most people don’t receive inheritance anyway until well into adult life anyway.

"If you were to marry, then any inheritance automatically goes to remaining living spouse"

Sorry, this is just a small point, but you are mistaken here. That does not happen in this country.

If a married person makes a will then their 'inheritance' (their estate), is distributed according to the will. This may or may not include their spouse.

If a married person dies without making a will and has a spouse and children then their estate is split between the surviving spouse and children according to specific rules (the rules vary between England & Wales and Scotland).

Perhaps you are thinking of how a house is owned between a couple? Joint tenants as compared to tenants in common. In the case of joint tenants, the house would automatically pass to the survivor (whether they are married or not) by right of survivorship, the same way that a joint bank account would, regardless of what any will or the intestacy rules might say.

.

"...but most people don’t receive inheritance anyway until well into adult life anyway."

Correct, but not everyone does - he or she could be hit and killed by a drunk driver tomorrow. This is why people have insurance and write wills when they have responsibilities eg children - in case something catastrophic happens.

There’s no perfect solution in this, marrying a man with 3 kids is always going to be messy in terms of inheritance.

Yeah I absolutely see your point. You are enabling him to buy a house. Your deposit. Your support. So that he can hand it over to his kids? No i think you're right. You're buying this together.

Have you explained what it would be like from his perspective. Obviously you'll do the same. If you die it goes to whoever you want and he has to sell his house to pay them out. Then all the money he's put in his house goes back on rent and his kids are left with nothing and he is back in rented or council accommodation.

It kinda feels like he's trying to use you as a leg up for himself and his kids without giving anything back to you.

I think this is a good firm line to have.

It's not like he has a lot of money and is using that to buy you a house and you want his kids written out of an inheritance. You're not taking from the kids, you're just not giving to the kids. He can save or invest for them however he pleases but not by giving them your home that you enabled him to have.

@Missymoo100 After both parties had died then any remaining inheritance should be distributed according to the will.

Not necessarily. My grandma married a man and left all her money to him when she died. After she died, he changed his will so that her children (my parents and aunties and uncles) got nothing. Offspring are only guaranteed to inherit if it’s written in their birth parents will.

Let me make a suggestion. Your deposit is ringfenced. You both take out life insurance to cover the mortgage. If one parent dies the survivor has the right to live in the property until your youngest joint child reaches 19 - or 22 if you prefer. The child(ren) can then see out their schooling, maybe university. Survivor then either buys out the others interests or property is sold with your share going to your child(ren) and his share to his.

If you are still together when your youngest child reaches 18 you make new wills.

Team partner here. If I was him, I wouldn't be buying with you and your terms. I want everything I have to go to our children. I also want dp to do the same, so I don't intend to inherit anything if he pre-deceases me. When we buy together, we will have a clause on how long the person gets to stay before a property sale could be forced.

Yes could happen, it’s why I said Op would need to honour it and not cut them out of dad’s share or maybe look into a trust funds.

Another2Cats-
yes you’re right- I was thinking of a joint asset like a house usually would stay with the living spouse.

It sounds quite complicated so maybe OP needs to be speaking to a solicitor. It just seems off to me for him to think it’s ok to pull the rug from under OPs feet, if she found herself in the position of having to sell a house up to give to his kids to her detriment… especially so when it’s house they’re purchasing together and she is footing the deposit. I think I would be thinking about his consideration towards the partner left behind and what that says about the relationship.

But nobody gives a fuck what you’d do, and what your life view is.

this is good advice. I know of a family where the wife died, DH quickly remarried then HE died a few years later. The kids they had together were completely disinherited aged 18. Asked to move out of their family home. The new wife (& her kids from a previous relationship) kept the house, everything. So it can happen and simple wills aren't good enough.

Unfortunately, that's a values and priorities disagreement rather than a financial one. You think as his partner you should inherit the assets he builds from here on (the share of your home he will pay for). He wants the assets he builds from here on to go to his children. It's his choice so the object for you is to safeguard your own position from your own resources in the event of his death, because its highly unlikely you'll disaude his from wanting to leave what's his to his DC rather than you.

When you buy the house become ‘tentants in common’ so you both own 50% each. Your 50% will then be left to your children, and he can leave his 50% to all 4 of his. You can also own a higher percentage of the house if you’re the only one putting a deposit down.

owning 50% of the house outright, and not both owning 100% should mean no one can ever remove you from your house, definitely look into it!

@HouseFair it might be worth seeking legal advice in the sense of drawing up wills and covering this point.
My hubbie and I did ours when my DSS was 10 when we were getting married. In the event of my DH death there was a clause in our will that meant his ex wife would get X amount essentially in lieu of any claim she could have on the estate for child maintenance. This clause then dropped off when my DSS turned 18.
in the event that he dies first everything goes to me, when I die it then gets split equally between DSS and our two children.
If we both die at same time equal split, if I go first again it goes to DH and then onto the kids

"...in the event that he dies first everything goes to me, when I die it then gets split equally between DSS and our two children."

I am sure that, in that situation, that you are the sort of person who would treat all of the children equally.

However, not everyone is like that. Indeed, there was a poster earlier on this thread who was quite adamant that she would never leave anything to any step children.

In the scenario that you mention, there is absolutely nothing to stop you changing your will after your DH dies and disinheriting your DSS. Well, except for any sense of doing what is morally right.

Other posters on this thread mention that they have experience of exactly this thing happening. Surviving spouses do not always treat their step children very well.

The main thing I would consider is whether the property has suffered any issues while it has been sitting empty.
Our current home was abandoned for about three years after a death in the family of the previous owners.
We got the house at a discount knowing there was an issue with the roof.
What we didn’t know was that rats had got into the walls, damaging pipes.
All sorted, but not without time money and stress.
Basically, get a good survey!

Considering you need a larger house than you personally need for HIS 3 kids, please tell me he will at least be paying a higher proportion of the bills and food? He’s getting a good deal here