I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

But they clearly can’t afford the house without selling the flat.

Renting a similar home is going to be throwing money away. They’ve also 4 kids and would be at the whims of landlords

I think you need to take legal advice. But there are clearly solutions as this isn’t an unusual situation

my thoughts

1- I don’t think either are wrong. You need an adult conversation about this, and it should really have taken place before putting in an offer on a property.

2- I think the best short term solution is he takes out another Insurance policy for his 3 children with an ex partner. Especially in this period where your financial contributions on the house are so different. It’s something as a family you’ll have to budget for, but it’ll probably meet both your needs

3- there’s a lot of baseless judgements made about this man. As normal. When I bought, my now wife didn’t have a deposit. Sometimes life goes like that. We know nothing about him. What divorce cost him, what he financially gave up. Nothing at all. So calls on his character are very premature

3- the OP is thinking very short term here. What I get. But if he’s another 30 years, and he’s contributing financially to the home, then I get the issue with his children being disinherited. So in the short term he needs an additional policy, but longer term I also think there needs to be a consideration again

4- it’s pretty clear that buying a place requires her selling the flat. Obviously in an ideal world she keeps it…. But clearly they can’t. Renting is throwing money away when you’ve 4 kids and need security. It’s in nobody’s interest.

This is just the trope of the 'wicked stepmother' in reverse. If you reverse the sexes then it makes it plain what you are saying here:

Never trust a woman with other kids, her loyalties are too divided.
She might even prioritise her older kids over yours because they were born first.

Realistically most people can't afford two sets of valuable assets (a share of a house AND separate insurance policies).

This is what life is when you marry someone who already has children. He will want to love & provide them as much as he does your child. Yabvu unreasonable to expect him to cut his own DC out of a share of inheriting what is likely to be his most valuable asset.

A basic life insurance policy- I’m not talking critical injury- just life insurance. Isn’t that expensive so long as there’s no surprising pre existing conditions.

Comments like this are neither fair or helpful.

we know nothing about the man. Financial cost of divorce etc. nothing.

it adds nothing to the debate

OP - the thing with wills is you can change them.

So suggest this - continue with your deposit is ring fenced, you then both own half the rest of the house, with insurance that covers the mortgage if one of you dies. Until your baby is 18, you will have mirror wills that leaves everything to each other, or divided between the children if you both die. (I would also add something about how the money will be held for the children if they are still under 18).

Then say after your baby (or youngest if you had another dc) becomes an adult, you change the wills to each leaving your half to your children, with a right for the remaining spouse to stay in the house as long as they want.

I’d stress how hard it would be for either of you as a single parent with a young child, and you might need the flexibility of being able to move house for work /schools etc, but then you wouldn’t have the full house value to do that so would trap you, or him.

No guarantee he'd include your child if anything happened to you. He can change a will at any time without saying anything to you. Don't buy with him now. Wait till he can match your deposit and make the house joint tenants with your half going to your child and his going to his children.
Or don't buy at all he sounds like a potential cocklodger.

We're married and have two of our own. DS has two from previous marriage. DHs half is in trust so that when he dies I can live in it without selling up but when I die his half (and mine) go to all four children equally. I think that's the fairest way of doing it.

Tenants in common to protect your deposit.
A will Could reflect everything after that is divided 50/50 you leave to your children and he leaves his half to his children. He’s a leach to think your flat money should go to his children. ! They have a mum to inherit from.

This is why you need to have all insurances/assurances covered too! I have bought a house with my new partner (equal deposit placed by both of us!) he has no dc though so that helps…but I have two. In the event of my death my dc get over 500k (some in trust to their dad and some when they are 25), my DP technically gets the house (paid off and lifetime interest) and some cash, but on his death the house goes to my dc too.

I have read your posts OP, but not all the replies.

So, you have a flat which you need to sell and move from because your dp has 4 children.
He is clearly renting somewhere now as he has nothing to pay as a deposit.
This means at this point, he is not legible to buy a house big enough for what he needs, without your input.

So you are intitially funding step one of this new living arrangement. He is not funding any of it yet.

I think you need to take a step back here. Don't sell your flat. Rent it out and move in with the dp into a RENTED property. See how that goes with a totally blended family before you risk losing your independence.

You know nothing about the bloke to make this call.

neither had it anything to do with the question

I think we know enough to be fair

You need to see a solicitor and have wills and LPoA drawn up together. Buy as tenants in common. To be fair to everyone, when one of you dies, their half of the estate should go into a life interest trust to protect that half from ever being swallowed up by care home fees. The survivor has the right to remain in the house and to use the trust to purchase a new house for their lifetime/until they meet a new partner. On their death, the estate is then divided between the heirs. In our case, my half will go to my 2 DC, DH's half will be divided between his 4 DC. His older DC have already inherited from their mother and her family: my DC will inherit their mother's estate.

Can you afford the mortgage yourself? If so buy it on your own and don’t get married and then you will own all the house and can do what you want with it. He can contribute to share bills and save / invest what he isn’t paying to a mortgage for his kids. If you need him to contribute to the mortgage and to buy jointly then he can do what he wants with his share.

No you don’t. The poster hasn’t elaborated at all on anything really concerning the context of the relationship beyond the ex partner is very financially dependent on him. As is her right by the way

Ex-wives might have a claim to equity acquired during the marriage. Ex partners do not have the right to be financially dependent as we’re all told in no uncertain terms on a regular basis on this forum.

No I don’t. I just think there are an awful lot of conclusions jumped to here about the guys reliability on the basis of very little, other than the poster is fortunate to have her own property, whilst the bloke who has three dependent children doesn’t. I think flip the genders here and people’s responses are very different

for me the solution is simple anyway. He gets a secondary policy to cover his kids, and gives the partner the stability she wants. It won’t cost that much really, in reality. Another 20-40 quid a month.

Exactly this. If you have a property that already has a large amount of equity and it sounds like yous does then that's an amazing asset. You can use it to make money by renting. If you can wait a while then get the rent as part of your earnings for the mortgage. Also somewhere to go if you ever need it (hopefully you won't)

It sounds like if he died tomorrow ie before the house purchase, his Dc wouldn’t get anything as he doesn’t have any money or life insurance?
In your situation you need to ensure that your deposit is ringfenced so if you’re providing a 20% deposit, you get back 20% of any future equity should you split up. It’s important to use % rather than amount - if you only ringfence a deposit of £50k, you’ll only get £50k back if you split, but that amount will not be increased for inflation.
‘You also need to own the house as tenants in common, not joint tenants. Then you need to insure his life to the value of half the mortgage. You can also take out insurance against your own life for your own children.
What he chooses to do in terms of life insurance is up to him. You don’t need a joint policy.
He comes across as grabby!