I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

I'm sorry to say that based on the hundreds of similar threads on here over the years, I predict that you are going to the up physically, emotionally and financially carrying him and his children.

If he has absolutely nothing to contribute towards a deposit then he shouldn't be buying a house and it's extremely premature to be talking about bequeathing said house. He wants his children's future security to come from you.

I know two mums who did this and then both sadly died in their 30s ( one of cancer and one from Covid ). The same thing happened in both cases .

The kids went to stay with her parents while the mum was dying in hospital ( as the dads couldn’t cope and so they could be at the hospital etc ).

After the death, the kids stayed with their GPs as the dad was grieving and couldn’t cope.

Then very VERY quickly, the dads were in new relationships, moved their new partner into the family home and didn’t want their kids back, as they thought it would be “ too unsettling for them “. In one family, the kids were very young ( toddler and new born baby) , so after 6 months of not seeing their dad they hardly even remembered him.

Now these children are being brought up by their maternal grandparents , who get no money and little support from the kids dads .None of these kids will get any of the money / half of the house that their mum left them until their dad dies, which will probably be another 50 or even 60 years. Because that’s what was in the will - the surviving spouse could live there as life rent.

Now I know you are thinking “ my kids dad would never do that “. But half of all days stop seeing their kids completely within 5 years of a separation / divorce so it’s not logical to think that widowed men will act completely differently.

I also have close friends whose mum died suddenly when they were at university . She had left her half of the house to her kids , to go to them straightaway on her death. Their dad said he would “ buy them out “ and put the money into an account for them to buy flats when they graduated. Of course they agreed to this as they didn’t want him to sell the family home as they would have no where to go on university holidays and that was where they had grown up.

The dad he very quickly remarried, sold the house and moved about 400 miles to the other end of the counrty. The kids never saw the a penny of the money he promised them and when he died, the whole house was left to his second wife and then to her children.

How would his ex harass you though? Only debts could be taken from his estate so only if he was in arrears would that be a factor. You can’t sue your ex’s widow for child support they don’t pay because they’re literally dead….

I think you’re being unfair. Most people’s biggest asset by far is their home and he will have invested a huge amount of money in it by the time he dies (hopefully!) so why should the whole thing go to you if he dies first and then 100% to your DC when you die? That means that his children get £0 from his biggest asset and inherit nothing from their dad.

It isn’t particularly realistic to say he could just buy other assets or save up or make other investments when he hasn’t managed to save anything at all so far for a deposit and most people live pay check to pay check with their mortgage being where most of their money goes.

The way you protect yourself is by inheriting your half and then either buying out his kids or having a term in the will that you get to remain in the home as long as you want/until you die and then it is split between all the children equally thereafter

You say treating the father of your children as a lodger is unacceptable and then in the next sentence you suggest they abort their baby? Christ.

You need to speak to a solicitor who deals in wills. They'll talk you through the practicalities of each option and raise points that you haven't thought of.

Yep🙄.

Death isn’t really the problem
it’s if you split up
he will take his equity and you might not have enough money to buy him out

I hope you are protecting your deposit legally and you buy as tenants in common. A friend just lost her £130K deposit in divorce.

If you’re both paying equally towards the mortgage, you should receive the percentage you put down as a deposit plus 50% of the equity. He should receive 50% of the equity divided between his four children (including your shared child).

So, if you’d paid off the mortgage and owned a £500k house that you paid a 20% deposit towards. You should receive £100k plus £200k. DP should receive £200k
split as £50k per child.

He can leave his %to hid children but give her a lifetime right to stay in the property unless she remarries or cohabits with a future partner ... still got to buy as tenants in common ... so if house us sat £500k, she puts £100k deposit down and split mortgage, she owns 60% and him 40%

Please protect your deposit too….and DP needs a will so DC don’t automatically receive the house.

There are insurance policies for CMS to be paid out still upon death so no other claims can be made too.

There is no one size fits all. You need to discuss amongst yourselves and agree what you both feel comfortable with.

I would understand tenants in common with a bigger share for you given your higher deposit, but should he pass away, his part goes to his kids (and hopefully part to you as well).

I would also understand tenants in common with the survivor getting it all, given the house has been bought and paid for by your joint labour and effort.

We're doing the latter in a similar (though not same!) situation, but can't comment on what would be best for you. You need to sit down and have a good honest conversation!

Op I paid 85k of our deposit and DH paid 5k, I had a legal document drawn up to ringfence my contribution and we bought as tenants in common. Speak to a financial advisor

Its 100% her deposit. He rents.

Just keep renting and keep your flat for yourself I would say.
Never trust a man with other kids, his loyalties are too divided.
He might even prioritise his older kids over yours because they were born first.

I’d be quite wary of lifetime interest and cap it at a certain amount of years, for the stepchildren’s sake. My mum has a friend who was in this situation. There was a 22 year age age between her and stepmum. She got her inheritance 50 odd years after her dad died, and trying to get her stepmum to maintain the house was a nightmare towards the end. It’s just too long.

The upsetting thing about this is that you don't have his children's best interests at heart. YABU

Nope… don’t do it. He doesn’t acknowledge your flat as yours of your baby as his.

When my mum died her half of the house went to me and my brother, my stepdad owned the other half. He bought us out :)

Either he wants to merge finances with you, or he doesn't. But it sounds like he wants to merge your money in with his, but he doesn't want merge his money in with yours.

So stay unmerged.

Assuming you need a 3 bedroom place now he needs to pay for 2/3rd and you should pay 1/3rd. That way you each pay for yourself, 50% each for your joint child and he pays for a room for his children.

Because if he doesn't want to merge finances, that;s fine but you shouldn't have to pay for his children.

First of all, congrats on the baby to be!

But.. after 3 years I wouldn't sell the flat as it is your security. You both need to be on the same page on everything imo. I would just concentrate on the baby and for the time being continue to rent. I wouldn't risk losing your family home if anything happened to him when you have your child to think about.

Yeah and don't sell your flat. And don't buy together. Just rent.

What about her child? She does indeed have to think of her own child.

Don't marry him and don't buy a house together. If he doesn't have an equal deposit and equal monthly contributions, you are fucking yourself over and your child.

Buy a house in your name and let him live there.

No she’s not. She just needs solid legal advice.

He’s in a second relationship. He’s got 4 kids. they’re never going to be in a position to have equal deposits unless he comes into serious money.

renting forever isn’t the answer. No financial sense and no domestic security.