I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

I can assure you it’s not. Insurance of the asset, yes, not the person paying.

However OP has seen the light and good for her

As I’ve said from page 1, my ideal would be protection in place for both me and all the kids. My dealbreaker is him not putting protection in place for me and DC, because ultimately SC’s care isn’t up to me.

What I’d like is the house paid off for me (like I’d do for him) and a separate policy in place for the kids. Or vice versa. But I’m not entering into an unequal situation where I’m paying for him to build assets. I’d rather keep that money for myself and DC.

Indeed!

I’ve never taken out insurance with my mortgage provider, or given details. It’s definitely not legally required.

Ultimately he seems financially foolish and you would be even more foolish to invest with him. Absolutely buy a home that works for you and your child,

And if your partner gets married? How is that securing your child's future??

You are demanding he cuts his children out of inheriting HIS asset.. would you be happy if his future wife did the same.. when she demands that HIS half of the house be left to her and not his children (including your future child) if they buy somewhere else together using his money as a deposit? You'd be stupid to leave the future security of your child to someone who doesn't want them to inherit any of his money!

As I have said repeatedly, I have other assets, pensions and investments which would go to my child in trust for when they’re 18. Their adult future is secure.

I’d want DP to own a paid-off house so he was financially comfortable for the duration of DC’s childhood. I believe he would split his estate between his kids, so my DC would get a share, but if he didn’t, it’s not the end of the world for the sake of a happy childhood.

But your way is stupid, and is just not how it is done. If either of you remarried and again, didn’t protect your assets, then that new spouse could get everything. You don’t do it that way for a reason.

The way I, and others outlined, is how you do it.

You leave your half to your child. He leaves his half split between all the kids. Any other way, and the asset could go on to be taken by a new spouse and all the kids cut out or just his kids cut out if you decide to keep it all.
He doesn’t need to get two life insurance policies to provide for you all separately. He isn’t a millionaire. He just needs to cover the cost of the house and leave his half to his kids, while you leave your half to your kids.

You’ve called me stupid repeatedly now, do you want to go and get a glass of cold water?

That doesn’t work for me. Either he gets insurance to provide for me and our DC, and ideally SC too, or we don’t buy together.

Again, your way is stupid. No financial
planner would advice it, solicitors wouldn’t advice it. It isn’t the “done thing” for a reason.

You are wrong on this. You are correct about life insurance and splitting bills and all the rest of it. But you’re wrong on this.

I don’t know why you’re with him, I don’t know what possessed you to have a child with him. He sounds useless and stupid. But you’re still wrong about how to will the house if to what of you die.

It doesn’t sound like to two of you will last, so you’ll be on the other side of it at some point if you meet someone else. And I bet my house that you’ll be protected your assets for your kid from this previous relationship.

Didn’t call you stupid. Called your plan of willing the house stupid. Seek some advice and you’ll come to realise that your way isn’t the way anyone with kids is ever advised to do it.

Again, you’ll be on the other side at some point when you’re with a new partner as this isn’t going to last. You’ll appreciate the advice to protect your assets then.

I have thought about what you’re saying. If I had a second relationship, I would leave money to whoever would be likely to raise my child, whether that’d be current DP, new DP or my sister, to ensure they had a secure home throughout childhood. So the scenario doesn’t translate because DP’s kids already have a main home with their mum. And I’ve said if he wants to take out separate policies for SC (or their mum!) then great.

Ensuring a secure childhood home is very important to me. As is leaving assets to my kids.

I think I probably wouldn’t ever marry until all children involved are adults.

He will if he’s contributing to a mortgage

I’d want DP to own a paid-off house so he was financially comfortable for the duration of DC’s childhood.

You've just hit the nail on the head there, which is why I'm so baffled that you genuinely can't see the difference in your approaches and why you both have differing views??

How is him leaving the house to YOU upon his death making sure his other children are financially comfortable for THEIR childhood.. yes, it would secure you and his child with you, but what about his other three? Fuck them I guess? They can wait till they are 18 for a pay out from an insurance policy and be happy about it.

If you had an existing child from a previous relationship you absolutely would not be gifting the house to your partner upon your death and sending your other child to live with their dad with nothing.

That’s not what I’m saying. You are supposed to have buildings insurance when you have a mortgage - the bank owns the home, what if it burns down? Not linked to the mortgage as such. It is in the T&C of the contract

It’s bit just about money to raise them through childhood. If you buy a house with someone, and will it the way you suggest then your child won’t inherit anything as an adult. Maybe some cash if you have any, but the house would go to your spouse. If they remarry, and then die, the house that you paid for will go to some random woman far removed from you. And your kid would get nothing. They might not be a child anymore but most of us would want the asset we paid into, to go to our adult child. Rather than risk it going to a new spouse of our partner or being lost in a divorce.

But you’re not a parent yet, or you’ve onto got a young baby? And you’ve never been faced with the possibility of the situation. Maybe just take the advice from those of us who have.

Your idea of how to will the house is just really not how it’s done, for a reason. Not when you’ve got kids. Think about it much more carefully if the time ever does come.

If he cared about that, he could take out a policy naming his ex as a beneficiary. I can guarantee she hasn’t done the same!

Oh you mean buildings insurance. But we are talking about life insurance.

I am always astonished at people who let their partner impregnate them when they clearly don’t yet know them properly….!

Life insurance with a mortgage isn’t mandatory.

Your plan(s) sound sensible OP, not stupid. DP sounds like a passenger expecting you to do all the driving. You’re not his parent. Imagine taking out a life insurance policy for him, and paying for it, because he doesn’t want to. You’ll be expected to wipe his arse next.

Bit of parental responsibility and future proofing finances from him would make all the difference. Really quite simple actions too. You’re not asking for the moon OP.

Stick to your guns, and good luck xx

If your house is worth £300k he needs to insure himself for £600k - then you can pay off the mortgage if he dies and his kids get £100k each.

Your deposit is then protected and mortgage paid off as expected as if he wasnt bringing any children into the relationship (financially speaking)

But you’re ignoring the fact that insurance policies exist (as do pensions, death in service benefits, investments, savings). There’s many ways to provide for a child outside of leaving them a share of the home you live in with someone who isn’t their parent.

In a nuclear set up where we shared only children together and were married, I’d do what you suggest. But that isn’t the case here.

You also do not leave money to whoever is going to raise your child. You leave it to the child.

And why would he have his ex as a beneficiary? He would will his share of the house and any cash/policies he has to his children. Not to his ex.

You’re just showing how little you know.

You’re about to be a parent. Go and find out this stuff.

I think I probably wouldn’t ever marry until all children involved are adults.

You aren't married and have no intention of getting married, you have absolutely no rights to dictate why your partner does with his half of a shared asset, it isn't and won't ever be a marital asset, you are just two people owning a house together.

No one with existing children would gift their portion of a house to their girlfriend over their kids, the "fair" thing is for him to leave it to all his dependents equally.

Anyone saying that is unfair only cares about themselves.