I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

i’m not sure if she could do that.

I think the only way to get what you want is to own the whole house and not marry. Insurance policies and wills can be changed so even if you agreed now that wouldn’t mean he couldn’t change the beneficiaries in the policies or will later. I also wouldn’t charge him rent (just share of bills) as if you split up he would argue his rent was his contribution to the mortgage and he is owed equity. Same with repairs you would need to pay 100%. He can pay a fair share of other bills. By not paying towards the mortgage or house maintenance or rent then he can invest the money he is saving into an asset for his children. You can leave your house to your child with a right for him to live there. You will obviously then have to be able to fund the whole house costs yourself even during mat leave etc. You don’t sound equal financially and don’t seem to agree on financial responsibility so keeping things separate is probably sensible.

"But if a parent dies intestate, wouldn’t the remaining parent become a trustee of the children’s money that’s left by the deceased parent?"

If they were still married then the surviving spouse would indeed become the trustee (the term used is 'administrator').

However, they are no longer married and ex-spouses don't count.

The order of who can apply to be administrator when there is no will is

1 Spouse or civil partner
2 Children over 18
3 Parents
4 Siblings
5 Half-siblings
6 Grandparents
7 Aunts/Uncles
8 Half aunts/uncles

so, since he is divorced (I assume?) then he has no spouse, his children are under 18 so they can't do it either.

Next come his parents, if either of them are alive then they get first refusal for administering his estate. After that it would be any of his brothers or sisters.

So, if your DP were to pass away without making a will while his children are under the age of 18 then it would be his parents that would be looking after the money from his estate.

.

"So realistically, anything left to the children without a clear will stating she is not to use it, can be accessed by her."

No, this is totally wrong. An ex-spouse will not get their hands on anything.

I think you’re completely right to protect yourself and your assets. However, it sounds like you have bigger problems in the relationship if he’s unwilling to do something as simple as make a will to protect his children’s inheritance. Is he just completely unwilling to engage with the idea of planning for the inevitable, or is it a matter of intending to be not being arsed?

Her asset is half any house they buy plus her deposit. She is acting as though the entire house will be her asset and should be hers.

It is not. He has kids. He needs to protect his asset.

"If we bought a house now as joint tenants without additional legal protection, she could (and would) challenge me for half the equity"

No, that really couldn't happen at all.

I really don't understand where you are getting these ideas from. Is this something you have been told by somebody?

The ex doesn’t get anything. You are using fantasy land excuses as a reason to screw some kids out of their inheritance from their dad. That he wants them to have.

I don’t believe that he doesn’t want to make a will. Your whole OP is because he won’t make the will you want as he wants to leave his half to his kids. So he does want to make a will, in their favour. That’s what you’re mad about.

You haven’t listened to anything you’ve been told.

1. The ex will get nothing, she cannot sue you and she will not have control over the children’s inheritance. You have made this problem up in your own head and it simply doesn’t exist.

2. You will not have to sell the house or scramble about for money as the will can be written to allow you to live in it for life (or until you choose to sell). His children get their inheritance from their half when you pass away, or when you choose to sell. You will be allowed to stay there for life. If that’s what you and your partner agree on.

3. That house will not be just your asset. You may provide the deposit, but once you both start paying the mortgage, he does in fact have an asset. Half that house will be his (minus your deposit). He had kids when you met him, why didn’t you even think about what that meant financially? He must protect his assets so his kids get an inheritance and aren’t cut out the will be a step mum who outlives him. Everyone woman in his position who posts on mumsnet is categorically told to protect her half of the house and leave it to her kids, not her new spouse or partner. It is no difference just because he is a man.

Or 100% of any house I buy. Which is what I’ll be doing.

He can continue keeping his head in the sand and if he dies, his children can get nothing. At least mine will be provided for.

No he doesn’t. He’s never had a will. He thinks it’s a waste of money, same for life insurance

It’s interesting that you’ll ignore every piece of advice that goes against what you thought would happen. Your belief that you can be sued for lost CMS (literally not a thing) and your belief that the ex will control the money or be able to sue you for the house (nope).

I think this is what you need to do if he is not willing to put something in place for his children.

You could have a legal agreement that you stay in the house for life/until you sell after his death but this arrangement is often fraught with issues too.

His children could wait many years for their inheritance and there are often issues around maintainance and costs so if you do this, be really careful.

He does need to make sure his children inherit what is his but he’s not doing that so no way would I buy a house with him.

I’m not sure what you want me to say? Okay? Cool?

I’ve had the police involved recently for his ex wife harassing me because she’s contacting my employer and professional contacts to say I should be paying more maintenance. DP goes to court near annually because she withholds access for more money. She has been to CMS so many times to accuse DP of not paying what he should, or having them less, that he has a named contact to deal with. The kids are surprisingly well adjusted and I have no issue with them, but like Hell am I moving house or being in anyway financially beholden to their mother because of linking finances with DP without it being fully legally watertight.

If he’s not getting life insurance or a will protecting me and all of his kids, he doesn’t get to buy into a house.

this!!!

That’s not what your OP was about. You didn’t post asking for advice about making everything watertight so the ex couldn’t get the kid’s half of the house if he died. You posted because you don’t want him leaving his half of the house to his kids at all. Which is precisely why he does absolutely need a will because you absolutely will cut his kids out of inheritance if he goes first.

It also has nothing to do with any house you jointly own. She literally cannot come after you for anything after he does and has no control over anything.

What I’d like is that he makes a will and buys a life insurance policy to pay out to his kids in trust, and leaves the house to me/our child. If I die, I have a policy to pay out to my child (well, parents currently, but it’ll be updated) and I would leave the house to him.

If he wants to make the policy 3x the house value, he can. That’s his business. That way it’d be equal to all his kids.

Alternately he could get a life insurance policy naming me as the recipient for the value of his equity and the remaining house value and I can buy them out. But that seems messier.

If you’re just arguing with my OP, there’s no point in me replying!

I mentioned life insurance policies in a further post about an hour after my OP.

That’s just not what parents do.

We’d leave our share of the asset split between all our kids. What you want to do is what is complicating things.

He has 4 kids. His share of the asset will be split between them all, as would any life insurance policy he wanted to have. And he could leave something to you as well if we wanted. But parents with kids from a first relationship are not going to leave their assets to their new spouse, not if they have any sense.

If he won’t do anything and doesn’t bother sorting out wills or finances then I’m not really sure why you’re having a kid with him or choosing him for your life partner. He doesn’t seem the type of person to choose for that.

So you want to charge him rent so neither him or his children get anything, nice one !

Well, 82% of posters disagree with you. That might work for a nuclear married family but not for a blended unmarried situation with unmerged finances.

So you sell your flat and pay deposit for a house. If you die next year the house (all your money for the flat) goes to him? so your child might not see any of this money? he might remarry and leave this all to new women/new kids/ whoever?
why would you do this?

He can agree to insurance policy and a will and change it later, without you even knowing. The best way would be for you to buy into your name only and him paying you some rent.

I don’t think you should buy a house together it will cause nothing but problems, as it’s already doing. Ultimately he has no money at all and will be using your money to gain an asset to leave his children. Nothing wrong with wanting to leave his children something we all want to do that, but he had no interest in setting things up for his children before, now that he has a chance using someone else’s money to get on the property ladder he’s all for inheritance.

His choice. Why would I risk my security for someone who won’t financially protect me in return?

82% of people disagree because you’re a woman. And this is mumsnet. So they will always vote against the man and tell you that you should have everything.

Go and search for some threads either the sexes reversed. Where you’d be the man in the situation and he would be the woman with kids. You will see that near to 100% would agree with me - that the parent should protect their asset and leave it to their kids so the new partner doesn’t cut them off.

Also go and search for the threads by step kids who have been cut out and see how mumsnet responds with their opinions on the step parent who took all the assets, and the parent who didn’t plan for it.

You will see a very very different set of replies.

He doesn't bring any assets though

Yeah that’s what I’ll be doing (buying a house myself). I probably can’t afford a four bedroom house here so we’ll have to live separately. I’ll sell the flat anyway as it’s not really baby suitable.

He’ll be sad as he’ll be worse off and not get to live with our baby, but it’s his choice.