I want the house. AIBU?

[HouseFair]

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

You’re talking absolute nonsense @HouseFair. His ex wouldn’t be able to sue you for anything, there is zero risk here. You’re making stuff up to get your way. She cannot sue for “lost CMS” after he dies. That’s a complete fantasy.

You are joining in with a blended family. You need to accept that he had to protect his children from before you, because if he dies first and you get everything then you can cut his kids out. I have 2 kids and a boyfriend. If we ever live together, he knows that my share will be going to my kids. As it should be.

You need to own the house and tenants in common. With your deposit protected. And the ownership split along the lines of what you each pay into the mortgage. His payments into the mortgage as his asset. When he does, that asset goes to his kids. You keep your half, his kids get his half. Life insurance can pay off the mortgage but he needs to ensure that you don’t then swallow up that part of the equity as yours (seeing as the money only existed because he died, so his kids get his half of that).
He can also write into his will that you have the right to live in the house so you don’t have to sell immediately, but his half won’t ever be yours. It will go to his kids, and it absolutely should. It isn’t yours.

No one who already has kids and get into a new marriage should do what you are suggesting. The new spouse can easily cut the previous kids out completely of their parent dies first.

Read any other thread on here when it’s the OP, a woman, who has the kids and is getting married. ALL the advice she gets tells her to protect her share of the house and leave it to the kids, and the protect her assets so her kids inherit and not the new spouse.

You don’t ever get married without them creating a new will to leave your share of the assets to your kids, because if you die then the new spouse gets everything and cal write a will which cuts your kids out. It’s idiotic to do that. Just look at all the threads on here from step kids saying they’ve been given nothing because their step parent outlived their biological parent and then cut them out the will.

I agree with you OP. I think that should one of you die then your home together, which you purchased together, should go entirely to the remaining partner.

When the second one of you dies, assuming that the house hasn’t been sold to pay care fees, it should then be left to the children in whatever divisions you want. I would probably just split it equally between all children.

If the property belonged exclusively to your partner then I would feel differently. But that’s not the case here.

Whatever he pays into the mortgage is his asset. Women are always told to protect their assets when they remarry so their children get it. Woman are always told to own as tenants in common and have a will written so their half goes to their kids.

Why so it different now that a woman is on the other side of it?

If he dies first, then OP can completely cut his kids out. Don’t say it doesn’t happen. Just look at the threads on here from step kids who got nothing. Look at the advice from lawyers about protecting assets.

That house will be his asset once he has put money into it. His money should go to his kids.

You get married before buying.

Sounds like he has two life insurance needs, one to ensure the mortgage is cleared and you don’t lose the roof over your head (as you will be doing for him) and then a separate one to provide for all 4 of his children as the very minimum.

Please take legal advice.
Write wills.
Will you be getting married/having a civil partnership in future?
If I were your partner I would be buying the house as tenants in common not joint tenants.
In all honesty I wouldn't be buying a house together until you've sorted all your financial wants/needs out.
A PP said your partner needs life insurance to cover the mortgage and a second policy for his children whilst they are under 18 (or 21).
Hope you can sort it out x

(as, indeed, stepmothers can be when they’ve lost their partner)

or

He really shouldn’t be buying anything with this woman as, deposit apart, after years of paying his share of the mortgage, if he dies before this woman, his children get nothing.

Then what benefit it is to me, to buy a house with him, if I don’t even get to keep it if he dies? And am left scrambling to sell my child’s home to give money to his grabby ex?

I’m better off buying it myself and having him pay rent.

Why don't you suggest that he takes a life policy that goes to his children on his death? That way you can still have the house going to you. Personally I wouldn't buy if I thought there was any possibility that I would lose my home.

He doesn’t owe her money. But if a parent dies intestate, wouldn’t the remaining parent become a trustee of the children’s money that’s left by the deceased parent?

So realistically, anything left to the children without a clear will stating she is not to use it, can be accessed by her.

I have, repeatedly, for years.

When you buy your house you need to make wills immediately. Then no one dies intestate. However if your partner does have dependant children whom he make no provision for in his will - the will can be challenged. The important part is children who are dependents i.e. under 18 (or disabled if adults).
If he dies without a will then any assets of his go to his children no matter their age.
Depending on how the house is purchased joint tennants (always goes to the other tennant) or tennants in common (half ownership to each person), this will then set the course of inheritance.
I strongly suggest you sort this out together before committing to a house, if you cannot agree then stay as you are. In the event your relationship fails you can always go back to living in your own flat!
If you get married obviously the inheritance rules change.
Of course there is also inheritance tax to pay between non married partners (should your estate be worth over whatever is the threshold at the time) which is another thing to think about. (There is no iht between married or civil partners).

You’ve given yourself away here as really quite nasty.

The money will have nothing to do with his ex. It is for his kids, and he can name whoever he wants to be in charge of it until he is old enough. You are trying to steal money from his kids, not his ex. Nothing will go to the ex. Nothing.

When he pays money into a mortgage, that it is his asset. It isn’t just yours. He has children. His assets go to his children. That is the reality of being with someone who already has kids. You are not priority number one. And he cannot risk his kids being cut out, so he need to protect them in his will.

You are not going to be forced to sell or scrambling about for money. He can leave his half of the home (but your deposit needs to be protected so that isn’t included) to his kids, but give you a life interest or until you sell/remarry/kid turns 18 etc. It means you can continue to live in the house, but whenever it is sold, his half goes to his kids.

You really need to accept that he has kids and he has to protect his assets to leave to his kids because he cannot be sure that you won’t cut them out if you are given everything. And he is right because you seek obsessed with the idea that any money his kids get is going to his “grabby ex” so you will cut them out. She isn’t getting anything.

Nasty piece of work you sound.

That’s why he wants to make a will to sort out where his assets go. You’re the one saying you don’t want that because you want the house.

He has dependant kids. You’re not getting his assets. And you shouldn’t get them.

If you don’t like it then don’t move in with him. This is one of the challenges of being with someone who has kids and you should have thought about it. You didn’t need to choose this man.

But as the poster above said, wills can be (and are) challenged. If we bought a house now as joint tenants without additional legal protection, she could (and would) challenge me for half the equity, which I’ve built up over a decade and he’s contributed nothing to. I do not consider myself responsible for housing his ex’s household. If that makes me a nasty piece of work, so be it.

He doesn’t have any assets. He hasn’t made a will, he hasn’t got any insurance policies protecting any of his kids if he dies or becomes ill, and he doesn’t want to do that or to write a will.

That’s his choices. Mine, in response, will be to buy a house alone and charge him rent if he lives with us, instead of putting my home at risk.

He will have assets once he starts paying a mortgage. What don’t you understand here?

His will isn’t just for the next year. It’s for the next 10/15/20 years. He will have an asset by then - half that house (minus your deposit). And it should go to his kids, not you.

He needs to write a will so his share goes to his kids. If he dies the first month and his life insurance pays off the mortgage then his kids will get have of that equity (minus your deposit). Because it’s been paid off using “his” money so you can’t claim it all as yours.

Half that house, whether he pays the mortgage over the next 20 years of his life insurance pays the mortgage if he does, half that goes is his and goes to his kids.

Your OP says he wants to leave his half to his kids, so he does want a will. He just doesn’t want to write the will YOU want.

I think I would do the same with letting him rent of you, then he can decide if he wants his children to have something he can get life insurance

I don’t really see how this would be your problem?

No, he wants to die intestate because he can’t be bothered to put provisions in place. What don’t you get about that? I have suggested, repeatedly, that he gets life insurance for his kids.

Obviously I’m not going to voluntarily put myself at risk of a legal battle with his ex if he can’t be bothered to protect my interests and our child’s stability. He can rent and that way if he dies, his kids get nothing (like the current state).

I’ve already said I’d be happy to review in 5/10/15/20 years. At that point, if he wants to allocate his share of the equity to his kids, I’d up my life insurance so I could pay them out.

But it’s very hard to see this as a functioning relationship if you’re going to do this

Because she would spend anything she can get her hands on, on herself.

I’d rather the money was protected for when they turn 18. So would he apparently… Yet not enough to ensure that happens.

Like I said earlier in the thread. I don’t think either positions are wrong here…. I get why you would ideally want him to have a policy that leaves you the house and an additional policy for his kids, but he doesn’t want that. I think you have got to accept his position and live with it. As of the posters mentioned there are clearly legal solutions that can protect your half of the house. I’m not convinced what claim the ex-wife would have anyway and this seems to be a bigger issue to you.

I guess one thing you could do is to take out a second policy that will give you an additional sum of money to enable you to buy out the children in the events of him dying you’d have to set it up but you could pay ultimately I think you are going out to make the financial running here.

It is like some others are sad when you meet someone with children it’s complicated if I was in his position as a man with two kids I would want to protect my kids before my new wife. That’s just the way it is particularly when the new wife seems to be financially stronger.

i’d also think this is becoming a bigger issue that it needs to be but you just might have to swallow a solution, that you don’t like