AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

OP what a difficult situation to be in. Having worked with children who have been removed from homes like your nephew i think your dp is seriously under estimating how much damage has been done to his nephew. Has he got the time, skills, energy and ability to give his nephew what he needs? You dont have the space and he is 10 so needs privacy. I understand your concerns. I suspect your partner lacks the real understanding of the commitment he is taking on with hs nephew. However he is just a child and does need help. Is there anyway you can come to a compromise? Is long term foster care an option with you guys having him every second weekend etc?

The biggest problem here is you being pregnant. You and your DP were hardly in the best of situations anyway with you moving into a 2 bedroom house. Otherwise you could have continued as you are - living separately - while your DP takes him in. This way you could have delayed all other plans to at least give the young boy a sporting chance.

As it stands, no way would I subject my 2 children to this troubled child, and, in such cramped housing. It has disaster all over it.

Your DP needs to get his head out of the sand. I hate it when men do this, just brush away the glaringly obvious and claim it will all work out.

Well the odds here are fully stacked against you all so you have some tough decisions to make.

It's your choice as to whether you'll be resentful or not and unfortunately it sounds like you've made up your mind.

I hope the same thing doesn't happen to you down the road and your only relative let's you down in such a way your child ends up in care with a lifetime of problems as a consequence.

I've worked with adults who've been looked after children in the care system, I would do anything in my power to avoid that for my nieces, maybe it means delaying moving together for a year, you stay put and he moves with the nephew to the two bed until the extension is built

@YourShyLion this is a bit of an unnecessary comment. I hold no resentment towards my DP for wanting to look after DN. quite the opposite. In that post I was referring to him not taking in his nephew so that he could live with his child. Which would make him resent me

Is it what's best for your kids or because it's not something you want to be involved in.

To not even give the kid the chance seems very selfish to me.

@YourShyLion he IS going to get a chance though. With his uncle. Away from where it will very likely negatively effect my children. What’s your problem?

To answer a few questions I don’t think my DP has considered how much time, attention etc etc DN is going to need. He really hasn’t thought past just needing to look after him. And I don’t think he will listen to anyone unfortunately. He will have to find out the hard way if this is what he chooses

If he ends up in care that’s not on you. There’s no way I would agree to this. Prioritise your own children. If your partner leaves, so be it.

So kinda a shitshow all around.

You don't live in a big enough house now for you and your children and are dependant on planning permission to go through (what happens if it is denied?!?)

The way I see it, it boils down to the following:

You will resent your partner if he takes on his nephew and prioritises him
You may resent a man who doesn't take on his nephew and not put him into care
You resent him not understanding how this will affect all of you
He will resent you if he can't take on his nephew

Irrespective of not being in a great place to begin with - not married, two kids, pregnant, two bed place (you say it isn't money so this is fixable and of course people can live this way, you are just choosing to) this is fixable.

Rent a bigger place for all of you. Have the work done in the meantime.
He needs to take on his nephew - it is the right thing to do and honestly I couldn't be with a man who willingly chose to give up on family and put a kid into care.

@Besafeeatcake we are going to convert the loft if it comes to it but it will only be big enough for 1 more room. Compared to 2 more rooms with an extension

The child isn't in any way the OP's problem. She has already explained his disturbed behaviour.

I really really don't believe many would take that on when they have young children themselves.

Hats off if you would do it, but not a chance in hell would I.

I actually can't believe someone of the comments directed at the op. Your partner should be putting his own child first not his nephew. The op needs to put her 3 children first and I definitely would not be having the troubled nephew coming to live with us.

I can't believe posters here think that the new baby shouldn't have a stable family home with both of his/her parents and thst the nephew should be put first. It'd be my children first, no discussion and if the nephew ends up in care then so be it

Your partner obviously has to decide who his priority is and if its your nephew then sadly it's relationship over

I absolutely unequivocally would. It's the right thing to do.

I have put up my kids friends for periods of time when I didn't have to to help them.

I couldn't live with myself knowing I made a decision that put a kid into care.

When people marry you agree to navigate the ups and downs of life together. Your Dp's nephew is your family aswell. You will not be able to live with yourself unless you at least try to make it work together as a team. Life is not linear, there are ups and downs. This will no doubt be a challenge but you should at least try to help. Imagine it was your niece or nephew you would hope your DP would help.

Best of luck X

Would he be considering taking the kid in if you weren't on the scene?

@pinkyredrose its hard to say. I think he would consider it but who knows

OP is there anyway social services can help you with the housing situation i know of a lady who took in her grandson and suddenly got a bigger house from housing executive and paid holidays etc it was bonkers. I feel like the big issue is the lack of space the over crowding will undoubtedly lead to tension and arguments and its not fair to ask 3 kids to share a room let alone when the baby comes along also. Its probably slightly harder for you as you dont have any attachment or blood attachment to the nephew. If it was me I would take him on because my heart could not see a child go into care but I know it would put me under stress and pressure due to living situation there would need to be a clear plan as to how this can be improved. As other posters have said perhaps partner and nephew need to rent or stay somewhere close by not ideal but just until you get a bigger house sorted. I understand you said the child has some issues but if he was only being removed due to behaviour they wouldn't let him go to another house with children and a soon to be baby it sounds like neglect on mother's behalf. I suspect given the chance to see you all as a family and with support his behaviour would likely improve id be hoping so anyway. I wish you all the best with this it does sound like a heart breaking and difficult situation. It may be enough to show your partner you tried it and let him see perhaps its not working than to point blank say no as that I suspect would dampen your relationship with ur partner

Your dp may be quite worried at the prospect of his nephew going into foster care. Totally understandable. I’m now retired from fostering but I have fostered teens for many years. Some of my teens have really needed that removal from their family, a kind of reset. And to see what’s normal in family life. It’s helped them to be cared for by someone who understands teen behaviour and to build some independence for the future. Going into care might not be a bad thing for this child. It might just be exactly what he needs so try to reassure your dp of that.

and first and foremost, as their mother, you do what’s in YOUR children’s best interests x

This.
What a crazy situation.

I couldn't live with myself knowing I made a decision that put a kid into care.

That would be the parents I would have thought not anyone else.

Firstly, as a foster carer, not all children going into foster care have a rubbish life. I’ve had my two boys for over a decade, they’re nice lads, they go to college, they’re law abiding and becoming decent men. It can happen.

That said, it has been hard. Not now that they’re older teens, but when they were both little and also when my younger one was 8-14 those years were tough!

So if you took this boy on you’d likely have some difficult times ahead of you. It makes me laugh because on posts like this people always shout ‘take in the child!’ But when there are threads about birth teens misbehaving people always shout ‘get rid of them! Prioritise your other children!’ So which is it? Do we take in all and sundry or do we recognise that some situations are not ideal for the rest of the family?

To be honest I think SS would decide you’re not a good fit anyway with not enough room and a baby on the way. But if they did decide otherwise it’s likely this child would have behaviour issues and be very jealous of your birth children. Including the new baby. You would probably have to make sure they were never left alone together for a second.

The people saying your partner should move out, leaving you with two children and a baby, are not thinking of what’s best for everyone. How is that situation fair on you or your children?

I think there are certain times when a partner can propose an idea and another partner can veto it, without it being held over their head forever. This is one of those times. This would affect your whole life and the lives of your own children. Your partner can’t say yes if you’re not on board. He should understand that it is a monumental life change and you don’t have to want it to happen.

Personally I would be suggesting that you ask for regular family time with the boy. I’m sure foster carers would appreciate you taking him out for the day once a month or so, and maybe the odd weekend once your house is sorted.

@Iloveagoodnap so hypothetically if he went into foster care, would DP be allowed the foster carers number and contact them and DN whenever he liked (within reason)? Or would this have to be done through SS?

Can he rent a house nearby? He needs to find a way. The nephew going into care is a terrible option and will have long lasting consequences

It's such a tricky situation, Op. I think I'd look at it as your Dp was willing to take your kids on when he met you. I suppose the only fair thing is for you to take his charge on too. If he had already had his nephew living with him when you met him, would you still have entered into the relationship?