AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

My views on these situations have actually hardened since I first adopted 15 years ago. Your nephew needs stability, and you can't offer him that. It is so easy to see how this could break down - what if he starts being aggressive with the younger kids?

Your dp should talk with social services and be clear that although he can't take his nephew in, he wants to maintain close contact. He should push for a placement close by with an agreement on regular direct contact.

This sounds fine except babies grow and need their own rooms eventually … it’s not a sustainable plan.

And the issue isn’t really the number of bedrooms. It’s bringing a traumatised stranger with behavioural issues into an already disrupted family unit. @Flossyrocks your two existing children need you to provide a secure home situation. They are dealing with moving to a different area, moving schools, moving into a building site with a new man, a newborn in the house! Wow all of that is pretty challenging for your 2 children. Even without the nephew, I’d be telling you to slow down and consider their needs more.

I’m so sorry 💐but I actually think your relationship is done - through no fault of anyone. As pp have said… there are only 2 solutions

1. your partner lives with his nephew and you live separately until his behaviour is improved - this is a process of years not months. You will effectively be a single mum to 3 children for many years but without the ability to move on.
2. you don’t take in the nephew and your partner resents your children forever. So your children will suffer. And I suspect your dp would keep raising the idea of bringing his nephew into the home. Fostering isn’t forever so the idea of the nephew moving in wouldn’t go away - it would hang over you all for another 8+ years.

option 3 where you plan to just all muck in together is insane even if you had a big enough house and will damage all 4 children. And is highly likely to end in a divorce anyway. Sorry

This. Sorry but this.

As an adoptive parent of now grown up children, I can tell you that this boy's trauma, expressed through difficult behaviours, will dominate your life if you take him on. A single parent would be a great situation for him, but your partner isn't even an experienced parent. If motivated and willing to learn, he could make a real difference to his nephew but not as a part of your young family. You are totally right to say no.

OP how far along are you in your pregnancy? Given everything is this the right time to bring another child into the equation. Obviously, not an option if you are further along but maybe something to consider if you are in the early stages.

I’m with the majority that moving in together is not a good idea. His nephew needs to be his priority and a calm, secure home. That will not happen with 2 ‘step’ siblings with not enough space and a house renovation.

I’m sorry you have to make such hard decisions.

What a mess.
Protect your children first.
I agree with above.
Reconsider the pregnancy if you can.

I would take the poor lad in.

Imagine if something happened to you, and it was one of your children.

As a victim of child abuse myself, I know the biggest risk to a child is an unrelated boy or man, also known as males.
Your post is incredibly offensive.

I was less than 3yrs old and was made to endure being housed with a predator for a further five years before anyone bothered to notice.
Does that make me a callous bigot?

Second what pp said as well. Your children and their father could go for him being primary parent if the little lad did cause issues.

Oh stop it- they are males.

When males stop committing 99% of sex crimes and overwhelming majority of violence... Then you can overreact like this. It's not bigotry to acknowledge this (I'm a mum to a teen boy, one boy on the way and have an amazing OH btw)

I’d be surprised if DP was given custody given he is sharing a 2 bed property with a partner and several children who are unrelated to him. This would especially be the case if any of your children are female as he is approaching puberty. You also don’t explain what the circumstances are behind the removal - if he is traumatised [and he will likely be whatever] he will need significant support and counselling and should not be introduced into an otherwise settled and happy family lightly. I think they need to explore what fostering options are available until your building work is complete at which time he could come and live with you if you feel there is support in place and he could be accommodated without impacting your own children - and assuming you have enough rooms at that stage.

As tragic at the situation is, I don’t think you can actually help even if you were inclined to - unless DP moves out temporarily until the building work is complete.

ETA - I PT-fostered 2 teen boys myself for 4 years [lived with us 6-10 weeks and came to us 3 nights a week throughout]. Even with them being ‘nice’ boys there issues, and this was just me helping a single mum after a messy divorce. One sabotaged and broke my son’s toys and devices regularly and there was considerable resentment. It’s not a decision to enter lightly if this boy is unrelated to you and your children as you are asking them to share their home with a stranger. It is hard work.

I was also subjected to male violence the whole way through my childhood. However, it is dehumanising to strip this desperately alone and damaged little boy down to this one label. it’s his mother who has fucked him up and yet he’s still got a load of women on some random internet site talking about him like he is nothing more than a problem and a danger. No wonder so many boys grow up hating women

Practicalities aside OP - and they are huge - I think some people are perceiving kinship care as always preferable to being a looked after child.

This poor lad need a huge amount of support, care, time, attention and love. I dont know you but considering the practicalities already evident,

I don't see how you could possibly meet his needs, the needs that he deserves to have fulfilled

Op I have been in a similar situation myself many years ago and was given some very good advice, taking in a child like this is a specialist task which I was not prepared for and I don’t think you and your partner are either, it doesn’t sound like your partner has taken on board what it will mean and how challenging it will be, you don’t have the space and you don’t want to do it not to mention the impact it will have on your other children. The most important thing is to protect the relationship with him, it may be that he could be placed into a good foster placement, and you guys can work hard to include him in your family life or just one-to-one visits with his uncle , but the point being you keep the relationship healthy and do this longterm. There is a danger if you take him in that the relationship will break down and then he really won’t have anyone.

Just stay put. You would be daft to do anything else.
Do not blow up your life for this. Presumably you could cope with the baby in your current situation. New house is solely in his name. Just put a halt to your move until things are settled. Be clear nephew will not be living with your kids. It sounds harsh but it could ruin their childhoods.

I think you need to put your own children first so you should stay where you are with yours. But if I was your DP, I'd want to take my nephew in and I think it's the right thing to do.

So you both need to decide what you want to do. I think he should probably move to the new house with the nephew, assuming social services allow him to have him. I actually think that's likely. My experience of this is that they actually put a lot of pressure on family to take kids in when these situations arise.

I'd put the wedding on hold and see how your DP gets on looking after the nephew. He will probably settle down a lot in a stable environment but behaviour change takes time. It's not his fault and it sounds like he's been through enough already. Going into care is never a good option.

You can always move in together later on but at the moment I think you both need to put the children in this first. You might just have to accept that this isn't the time for you and your DP because there are children with needs which don't fit well with you two being together.

They are both wage earners. I would suggest they buy a house with more bedrooms and see how things work out. They shouldn't give up at the first hurdle.

Can you find somewhere to rent near him? You don't have to live together to still be a couple.

I would take a huge step back here. Focus on yourself and your DC, let DP take on custody of his nephew and watch how he copes. If the lad improves with stability and boundaries, then at some point you can all consider living under one roof. But if DP drops the ball and is no better a parent than his sister... you're not committed too deep.

Your post calling me names was vile and indefensible. Calling someone a callous bigot for pointing out (as many posters have) that this would not be in OPs kids best interests is a personal attack.

I could never see a child taken into care if at all possible unless the behaviours really were incompatible with living with others.

In your situation I would suggest to DP that you live separately for some time while DP builds up his relationship with his nephew. Then treat it like a new step-parenting relationship. Slowly (six months or more later) start introducing you and then your DC to the nephew. See how it all goes and then re-evaluate.

How much time do you have before making this decision and how does it fit with when the baby is due?

Could your DP not move somewhere else and live with the nephew with the goal of his behaviour improving (through therapy, additional support, and whatever else) and then you all live together in the future? The kid is 10 at that age it’s very possible to improve their behaviour with stability and routine?

You would have to be suitably assessed and there are red flags here that may mean it's taken out of your hands anyway.

Thank goodness, a voice of reason! Good points well expressed.