AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

And yet you're already taking them out of their schools to move them in with a man they're not related to. You're pregnant, getting married and moving into a house that is too small for you all and that you may or may not get planning permission to extend. Now there's a nephew that needs keeping out of care and your kids lives are at risk of even more complications and upheaval.

You need to start concentrating on your kids. Get your own place and keep them in their schools. Don't get married. Your boyfriend can live with his nephew and you can just continue to see each other.

It would depend on the local authority. If you were assessed as being a safe contact for him and you expressed interest in having family time then yes it is likely that your number would be passed onto the foster carer for them to contact you.

A very tough situation but no, I wouldn’t agree to this given how he has behaved previously towards you. You need to prioritise your own children.

My sister has been a foster carer and it damn well near broke her and they went into it with eyes fully open and a ton of experience. I appreciate your husband feels a stronger pull because it’s his blood relative but ultimately this isn’t your responsibility and it will turn your life upside down.

Let’s face it, you will end up doing the lions share as your husband has no parenting experience and works long hours. You’ll also be doing this with a newborn and your two other children to manage. It’s just not sustainable because you won’t have the time, energy or motivation to turn this boy around.

Do you have a social services contact? Can you ask for a meeting and explain your living situation and the fact that you will soon have 3 young children of your own to manage. Let them make the decision for you both, which should be a no as it isn’t a suitable environment for the nephew OR for your family.

What would happen in say 4 years time. You'll have got children with very opposing needs - there'll be a moody, potentially angry and acting-out 14 year old who wants to stay up late and wants his mates over in the evenings, and a 4 year old who is adjusting to starting school, and all the emotional outbursts that come with that who needs an early bedtime and a calm environment. What will days out look like? What will holidays look like? Who will in reality be doing the majority of the care for everyone?

How much input has your DP had with his nephew until this point? Does he care for him / take him out regularly? What kind of relationship do they have now?

Social services will surely say no to him going to live with you with no bedroom for him. They do try to find family to take a child but everyone is assessed - it's not as straightforward as just saying yes.

@Bimblebombles he used to see him quite a lot until about 1 year ago when his relationship with his sister broke down. Over the past year they’ve not seen each other much but when they are together DN absolutely adores DP and thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. DP is very fond of DN naturally. They do seem to have a good relationship on the surface.

Your dp's nephew is not your responsibility. The man needs to take this on himself, not unload the problem onto the nearest woman who's available ie you. You would be importing a child who probably won't want to come anyway, and who could rip your family apart.

You seriously need help for your woman hating. Nobody gets this triggered by correctly sexing someone 🙄🤦

I suspect it will be taken out your hands, social care are unlikely to let him come to such a over crowded house anyway. It isn't as simple as you 'taking him' you need to be assessed as suitable.

This was my first thought. I doubt social services would just drop him off leaving you all to 'just get on with it.' I would imagine you would be interviewed (surely?) and if it comes across as you (quite rightly) think it won't work, then it would indeed be taken out of your hands. And I guess your DP would also be interviewed too, and asked about a 'plan'?

How far along have things actually got OP? Is the case before the court? Or in pre proceedings, or child protection?

Has there been a family group conference to map out support?

There will be a screening of family and friends and at that stage you would be ruled out by my LA due to lack of space and being pregnant.

In very rare cases they help people get bigger homes but that's more like working with housing associations to get an upgrade, not planning departments to approve extensions.

I think being part of the network and offering respite is the most you can offer.

My relationship broke down terribly with my sister and I moved heaven and earth to see my nieces and nephews. It was very hard and not easy but I did it. The fact he went a year isn't promising. Unless he exhausted every avenue to see him?

Very tricky one. You clearly barely have enough space for the size of family you have now let alone a new baby and an extra child, and that's before all the added complications of his problems and the impact that is likely to have on your children.

That said, putting an 11 yo boy with no father figure in his life and emotional and behavioural issues into the care system, especially if he's not their chiefly because of those issues, but because his mother has been abusive or negligent or has complex issues of her own, means it's unlikely there will be a great outcome for him. Obviously the outcome of staying where is is considered worse, but he's between a rock and hard place in terms of his future now. Placing teenaged boys with behavioural issues in foster care is really hard and he risks being institutionalised until he's spat out the other end at 18.

I agree you can't have him full time in your home. No-one can blame you for feeling unable to do that. But the best thing your partner could do for him now is to step in as a stable, reliable, supportive father figure and be the best uncle he can be, without actually having him live there. Make sure he has lots of visits, regular facetime chats, be the person who does things like goes along to parents evenings and sports days etc, let him spend Christmas and some school holiday time with you and try to make him feel included in the family as much as possible. Obvously this all depends on how much contact he's going to be allowed to have with his mother and how useful or not she is in this regard. But the poor kid needs someone to be on his side and to care enough to do all that.

He sounds like he needs a positive male role model in his life and if your partner can be that person it might make the difference between him going completely off the rails versus managing to come out of the care system relatively unscathed.

If you stay together the majority of the work of raising nephew will be on you. This isn't manageable with three children including a newborn.

How we he manage living alone with nephew and working? With no parenting experience and a troubled child who will need trauma informed care and a high level of input? I can't see this working out at all.

@Scout2016 the court case should be any day now. We’ve found SS quite slow and communication has been really poor.
there’s not been a group conference. His plan is basically to lie and say that it’ll just be him and DN staying in the house. Which may not actually be a lie anymore.

He grew up in a similar way and can relate to how he’s feeling. So I guess he believes that’s enough. (Not in foster care, but his very abusive mum passed and his Dad was awol so he was left with a really shitty carer)

I suspect that all the people saying ‘you have to take him in’ have never had to foster/adopt with two young children, while pregnant, and living in a two bed property [whilst unmarried and thus vulnerable themselves]. It was hard enough fostering 2 teen boys with no behavioural issues, part time, in a 5 bed house, with a stable marriage and income, and two kids the same age as my own (and the youngest of the two were best friends since reception year).

As I said above, it’s tragic but DP would be better off working with social services to make sure DN has a nurturing and safe foster placement where he can maintain a relationship with him and gradually involve him in life with your family (weekend visits once the extension has been done etc). This is a situation of his mother’s making, not the OPs.

You say you cannot win, but there are no winners here.

Either your DP has to see his nephew go into care, something which I would personally find unthinkable. Or he has to not live with his child. That is a terrible choice to put on him. You have a similarly awful choice.

So try to limit that mindset and try to tackle the problem together, rather than this "you win, I win" attitude.

When will baby be born? Can you renovate the loft faster than the extension? If you were planning on doing both you could do that first so nephew has his own space as priority.

Could DP and nephew move into grandparent's house temporarily until things settle a bit?

You mention finances aren't a problem, so could DH sort a 2 bed flat nearby for him and nephew and test the waters?

It might be too much and you might have to separate, but I would try any and all solutions, even if not ideal, before splitting up.

*Edit, just seen your update about DH lying to social services. Yeah, that is foolish and my sympathy for him has somewhat lessened. You cannot just hide your wife, 2 step children and a newborn baby? That is a recipe for disaster.

Is there s middle way ? Can he go to foster care but you keep up visits and take him out at weekends for family time ?

i was a foster carer and provided a nice caring home its not like he is going into the workhose !

We could potentially remove the loft faster but then we have the same problem in a years time when the baby needs their own room. DP has no parents. His aunt and uncles have expressed no interest in helping. It’s hard to try different solutions when the aim for me is to limit the stress it causes my own children

If he lies to SS well then he isn’t a great man to start with.

They will find out.

That's a terrible plan. Obviously!

Any assessment will be really invasive - he can't hide you and baby even if you aren't living together. Police checks, medicals, finances, they should speak to your kids about what he's like and their education settings. They will visit the house to do health and safety and will notice if other people's things are there.

Has he thought about scenarios such as the court orders that his nephew sees his mum 2 or 3 times a week somewhere supervised, maybe by professionals if no one in.the family can do it. Is your DP going to manage that, logistically and in terms of the impact on family relationships?

SS are overworked, your DP needs to contact, make it known he cares and wants to help and ask. They won't be able to say what is happening with mum but they can give an outline of what the criteria are.

Edited to make sense.

Could it be an option for him to go into care but have regular contact/days out with your partner anyway? So he still has the love and support of his uncle. A very difficult situation.

Early post nails it.

If your partner needs to and can be there for his nephew, he needs to move out and focus on that. YOUR obligation is to your own two children, as well as the baby you're carrying, and to ensure that their lives remain stable, calm and safe.

His plan is basically to lie and say that it’ll just be him and DN staying in the house. Which may not actually be a lie anymore.

How would he ever get away with that? Surely they would do a home visit?

Child's mother needs to move out abd uncle move in with child for now, if SS will approve.