AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

Really, a new baby, an unstable relationship, housing upheaval, school upheaval etc...that's quite a bit for children to take on.

I believe that your house is too small for SS to allow you to take this poor boy, so you won't be able to until you have extended your house. If money is not an issue, perhaps you could find a 2 bed flat close by for DH and your nephew to stay in until the house is ready for an extra person. DH could still spend time with you and perhaps the boy would calm down in a quieter, safer space.
I could not let my nephew go into the care system so I sympathise with him, as well as you - this is really not what you need when expecting your third child.

Can you not mode and stay in your house with your kids and let him find somewhere else with his nephew for a bit and then figure out the future when things calm down a bit!!

I think when people say "you'll just have to do it because he can't go into care", they're thinking about what they would do with the kids in their family they know, who all of them are related to, who perhaps they see a lot and know a bit better and who don't have these behavioural issues, and who aren't really thinking about bringing a ten year old into a 2 bedroom house with two other children he doesn't know and a new baby on the way at a time when he's having to leave his own mum. I think you'd be mad to do it, OP, and I don't say that lightly. Not only would I not do this in the interests of my own kid and for space reasons, I think it would not be in his interests to be brought into this situation, never mind yours. His own situation sounds terribly complex and he needs adults around him who have an idea of what he's going through and how to manage his behaviour in an informed way.

Taking him into an overcrowded house is a recipe for disaster. Your DP can still be an involved and present uncle to him if he lives with foster carers, it's not all or nothing. You can do days out, sleepovers, holidays with him.

You need to think about the existing children and how they will be affected by having an unhappy, poorly behaved child living with them - it sounds awful for them.

Tell your DP that foster care isn't forever, and if you're able to provide a bedroom for him at some point in the future you can reconsider it. It's not no forever, it's just no for now. You cannot have 4 children in a 2 bedroom house. You're about to have a newborn to care for, that isn't the time to be adding a troubled 10 year old into the mix that you wouldn't be able to parent effectively.

This.

Hard No.

Protect your kids.

I wonder if he would want the nephew so much if he knew he might end up on his own with the nephew?

This man is most likely abdicating responsibility for the DC onto @Flossyrocks in the first place.

Not really.

you'd just need to rent in the zone first their new school.

I'm a foster carer. I just wanted to come on to say even DC with really difficult issues often calm down once they are living in a safe place where they are well cared for and not having to walk on egg shells all the time. After a while you can see them start to relax and enjoy their lives again. The anger and difficult behaviour is what the DC uses to protect themselves from dreadful situations. If this man moved into a 2 bedroom rental with his dn until his house was ready OP could just carry on renting with her own 2 DC. It's only a year before the new house could have a 1 bedroom extension then OP's 2 DC could move into that room and op would be sharing bedroom with partner and baby. The partner would get kinship payment for nephew that would cover his costs. It can work but it would mean postponing wedding and OP to continue to live with her 2 DC on her own for an additional year. Her partner could visit.

Talk to Social Services to see if they have any suggestions you haven't thought of. If they say outright that DN can't stay in your overcrowded house, DP will realise that his plan is unworkable. It may be a case of living apart for a year while the extension is built and then reconsidering, depending on how adjusted DN is by that point. I would imagine that DN would benefit from lots of one on one time with your DP although that means you'll be bringing up baby practically alone. Coming into a new family that's about to have a baby sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Yeah that sums up what many of us have been saying.

OP, you sound like a devoted and caring mum who’s been put in an incredibly difficult position by someone who should be supporting you and putting you, your unborn baby, and your other child first. That’s so deeply unfair.

During pregnancy, a mother’s stress can affect the developing baby, including aspects of brain development. It might be worth helping your partner understand how important a calm, supportive environment is, not just for you, but for his unborn child as well. Many mothers feel a strong instinct to protect their children, and framing things in terms of safeguarding your unborn baby may help him see the bigger picture.

I truly hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and that you get the support you deserve. As for the 10 year old, his experiences so far will have shaped him, and with adolescence approaching, another key stage in development, it’s especially important that he receives the right support. Access to trauma-informed care and a stable, safe environment where his wellbeing is the priority could make a meaningful difference to him and the life he will lead as an adult.

This is so difficult, OP. It seems as if the only way to tackle the situation is to each prioritise the children who need you and live apart, at least for the time being. I really wish you all the best.

What a difficult situation. However there is no way I could let my DN go into care.

I think you need to prioritise ALL the kids. Postpone your wedding. DN's behaviour is only because of his awful home life. In a loving stable home there is every chance he will settle and turn his life around. It's better to do this at 10 before he's a teenager. This poor boy is crying out for love and stability. However, I do get that you need to keep your children safe as well.

I think in your situation I would suggest DH and DN living elsewhere in the short term, due to lack of space, with the intention to all come together when a suitable house is found and DH and DN have made a secure bond. That way you and DH can assess the risks to your other children and change the end plan if needs be.

DN sounds like he has had a difficult childhood, with some love, support and care and the feeling of security things can be different for him. A lot of people on this thread have written off a traumatised 10 year old. Reading some of these replies make me so sad and a bit angry.

imagine being that 10 year old.he probably terrified just now.

I can guarantee the replies would be different if it was OPs nephew and her partner didn’t want to take the nephew in, the replies would be get rid of partner, he’s uncaring, isn’t supporting you etc.

every child deserves a chance .

In a home where there was no room for the child, when the woman had no parenting experience and there were two other children with another parent who could potentially object? No, you cannot guarantee that.

It’s a big ask to take on someone elses child, and as you say, a lot if the care would fall on you, and you have enough on your plate already.

Out if curiosity, do they assume that dp is the best placed person because you’re in the picture? If you do decide to separate, do you think that will affect the decesion as to where to place him? just a thought.

However, don’t let dp (or anyone else) use this as emotional blackmail. You have to do what’s rights for all the kids, yours and the nephew. If you feel taking him in isn’t right (which I agree with you), then that’s the correct path, even if this means you have to sadly split up.

“I can guarantee the replies would be different if it was OPs nephew and her partner didn’t want to take the nephew in, the replies would be get rid of partner, he’s uncaring, isn’t supporting you etc.”

But isn’t that the scenario here, but with added children. Op is the partner in this case, and she realises it’s not going to work, due to having her own children, so is taking herself out if the equation. Importantly, she’s not preventing dp taking on his nephew, but just knows it’s not for her.

I would never allow this to happen to my kids, I think you should separate if he's serious.

It's more complicated than choosing which one comes first. The new baby will either be living with a loving mum and two siblings with access to the dad, or living with a loving mum, dad and two siblings. The young boy will either be with an uncle he's known all his life and who loves him, with access to any grandparents and other familiar members he's close to, or in a completely unknown foster family or children's home.
Some children have a good experience in state care, but many don't. The stakes are much higher for DH's nephew.
Terrible situation for OP who could not have predicted this when she met her partner.

I speak from personal experience here. I had adverse childhood experiences from age 3-13 and I had a wonderful mother and supportive grandparents living on the same street. It still wasn't enough. I got twice weekly psychiatric care from age 13 and it wasn't enough... I was seriously messed up. It's only now at 38 I have been ok and stable for 2 years. The rest I spent as a heroin addict trying to block out what I'd experienced. And I wasn't a victim of sexual or physical abuse I just saw terrible things at home.

I don't want to be harsh but there is a slim chance even with all the right love, care and support he is going to turn out ok. Once social services have dumped him on her and the uncle the support will go or any promises of support.

This woman has to be nuts to go along with her dreamer of a fiance. Nuts.

@Flossyrocks it’s an awful situation for your DH and nephew to have to be in. However, your own DCs lives are equally as important as his nephew’s and as their mother they have to be your priority. If you really do see moving the nephew in will honestly affect the wellbeing of your DC then you can’t accept that and there should be no guilt on your side from deciding this option doesn’t work for you. Currently there is 1 unhappy child, moving him in, there will be 2 more + you.

Saying this, your DH feels responsible for his nephew and his nephew desperately needs him. Your DH is wanting to do a selfless thing, putting his nephew before his own happiness as I’m sure deep-down he’d rather not. This is a kind man. Your DC are not his so he won’t feel the same as you in protecting them. Even though you will have a shared DC, that is not the current situation so he’s not thinking that far ahead.

If you can’t give the nephew a loving home, or you 100% believe your loving home will negatively change with his arrival then separation is the only option.

If your partner's nephew was fostered by a family with experience of caring for children who have had a tough start in life, would you be able to see plenty of him? If you are able to include him in family outings etc or just hanging out with each other to get the children used to one another and build relationships ( after all your baby will be this lad's cousin). I don't see any way of taking him in under present circumstances. You will have 3 traumatized children instead of one, but that doesn't mean you can't be loving and supportive of him. Maybe one day when the time is right you can all live together.

Do what is best for your own children.
I maybe too cynical, but like other posters, I would not be at all surprised if your DP leaves you to look after DN while he suddenly has to work extra long hours.