AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

Have you completely missed the bit where she’s pregnant with his actual child, @Rhubarb24?

What absolute drivel.

I think quite a few people have missed that bit

I think the op has to prioritise her own kids first and foremost ? That's her job as their Mom. Would this lives be made infinitively more difficult if she agreed to take on her partner's troubled nephew ? I think I'd argue that it would. I completely see why her partner would want to take him though even with a badly thought out plan but it's very different for someone with pre existing responsibilities ,
I could never agree to something that would negatively impact my children so much regardless of that all the people on here say they would do. It's very easy to hypothetically say you would take on a troubled child into your small home , far harder when faced with the reality.

Good god my neighbour across the road has had to take in her grandkids because her stupid feckless daughter can reproduce but not take responsibility.
Not just one but 4, 4 of the fuckers, that the daughter has pupped out and pushed the responsibility onto the grandmother.
Just fuck off, a total drain on society

Social services won't allow a child to sleep on the sofa. And they have to safeguard your children too. You are not suitable as a home, especially with a new baby because this child needs to be prioritised.

You're in a really tricky situation here, OP.

I wouldn't like the responsibility of choosing between my partners nephew going into care or coming to live with us.

But ultimately, I feel your are being more sensible and level headed about the actual implication of your DHs nephew coming to live with you.

In the nicest way possible, I don't think your DH is thinking things through properly. The practicalities. It seems to be very much "it'll be fine, we'll make it work" with no thinking going into actually HOW that will work.

I didn't rtft but a PP did point out that Social Services wouldn't let a child sleep on a sofa. I don't know if this is true but it sounds right. They'll likely want the nephew to have his own bed/room.

It could very well be that you're assessed and not deemed to be a viable option anyway.

I do know from a friend of a friend that when Social Services are looking at placing with family, the assessments can be quite intense/detailed. It could be they'd say no, regardless.

I'm really sorry, you're in a very sticky situation and all while being pregnant too.

💐

So what? You all love to bitch about guys not stepping up and this guy is for his nephew? Hes raised her kids all this time so why shouldn't he be able to offer the same for his family?

Maybe he should say the same about her kids that his raised? It's his nephew and he wants to do the right thing

Hello are you my DPs sister?
this child could very well disturb my actual children and cause lasting negative effects. How does that compare?

You seem to have worked yourself up into a quite a state as a result of coming onto to Mum’s net.
I don’t think this thread is doing you any favours, go and have a quiet think about this without the noise and everybody sticking their two pennies worth in.

This little boy probably will not disrupt your household and caused lasting damage to your children.

My friend had similar, social services rented them a bigger 5 bedroom house, at social services cost. This family had two of their own and fostered the husbands nephew and niece. They won't let the nephew go into a house not fit for purpose.

OP is the one raising her children. That's the traditional method. If you choose to marry a woman with children, you’re accepting them as part of the deal. There’s a massive difference between that and actively taking on someone else’s child.

As for your “So what?” comment - you really don’t think it’s a problem for him to put his nephew ahead of his unborn child?

This little boy probably will not disrupt your household and caused lasting damage to your children.

You're basing this on…?

The balance of probability. Most children are not badly behaved when placed into positive environments.

Did you miss the bit where OP explained the child lived with them for a month previously and how difficult it was? She knows DN. You don’t. But you still think you know better? Why?

OP is making choices that are best for her DC, like any decent parent would. Her partner will still be able to live with DN if he chooses to. That’s his decision, not hers.

Living with somebody for a month is not the same as settling into a permanent home where you know that everything is going to be safe and secure and there’s going to be no further upheaval additionally with the support of social services, whatever that looks like
But I agree I said many posts to go that the uncle needs to move in with the child
All the uncle moods to move in with the child and the mother of the child
The OP you should have nothing to do with all of this. It’s unfortunate that she’s expecting

That is incredibly patronising. The OP has lived with the child and it was incredibly disruptive and his behaviour was extremely poor. That will affect her children.

Anything is disrupting for a month. I had the mother-in-law live with me for a month. It was awful, if she was there full-time it would be fine. Systems would be put in place, etc.

Traumatised children don’t just know everything is now safe and secure and then start to behave. That simply isn’t how these things work.

Because I have a child with autism I have been to many many parenting classes where foster parents also come along too. These children don’t have ASD they have behaviour issues that comes out of their traumas. The amount of extra work involved in caring for children with trauma cannot be underestimated. Have you experienced this yourself or are you just projecting how you think this will work out from a place of naivety ?

Shouldn't you be saying all this to your partner

Systems would be put in place, etc.

No one puts systems in place except the foster parents themselves, they attend the appointments with specialists, attend parenting classes to learn to cope with the behaviour, engage with the school. The foster parents are the system.

A lot of adopters would disagree with you. The effects of early trauma affect everything. These children often present with symptoms that look like autism or adhd, oppositional defiance disorder....they can't help it and it is tremendously difficult to turn things round. And I would say especially difficult with other children.

But a permanent situation where he doesn’t even have his own room will never settle down.

how do you know what I have and haven’t discussed with him?