AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

This makes your partner’s plan to homeschool - or should I say workschool, seeing as he plans to sit the poor boy in the corner of the office - even less practical.

I fear your partner has done what a lot of people on this thread have done and been swept away with the “But I can’t possibly let him go into care” feelings - which are of course completely understandable on his part - without considering whether what he can offer is genuinely better.

My DM was a primary school teacher and senco for many years in an inner city school. There were sometimes cases like with this child. Paramount to have school teacher support.

I think it’s great your taking the time to think things through properly and hope your partner is able to.

I think sometimes people get so caught up in the gut reaction of “of course I will help” we don’t stop to think it through properly, especially when social services start adding some pressure, and decisions are made that aren’t actually in anyone’s best interest in the long run.

Yeah I don't think she is coming across as vile or thoughtful. I think she is coming across as someone who's world is going to be severely disrupted (through no fault of her own) but is only thinking of herself and her children.

I would like to think in that situation (and having a close friend who went through something similar - but had a bigger house) that I would also support a family child, take them in and make it work.

But this child is already traumatised. Sure, people say how awful the outcomes are for children in care, but it's not necessarily the care part that's responsible - it is everything that went before.

I have two adopted children. They were removed as infants. The damage done in those months was huge. Going into care, then to me, was their salvation.

Sometimes kinship care is just perpetuating the damaging patterns in the family that caused the child to be removed.

It's been very hard to follow but yes, I believe someone or a few people were calling me vile.

Thinking of her own children OR take them in and hope it works. The reality is it's an OR scenario not an ALSO one.

This. The system is completely and utterly fucked.
op is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

really shit situation OP. I think you would get a bit of extra money but it wouldn’t cover your costs. I think you could make it work but a new baby and a traumatised child now in care is a difficult mix.

I don’t know what to suggest really. You’re not being unreasonable but I don’t know what to advise you to do either.

Rather than having him living with him, he could offer to take him to clubs in the evenings and weekends, sports and other activities like scouts or something that the boy would enjoy and feel involved with. He can have a positive influence on the child and build a strong, trusting relationship.

If he just takes him to work and expects him to sit there bored all day, the boy will resent him for it. He will act out, become uncooperative and possibly aggressive. Ultimately it is doomed to fail and the boy will feel let down and rejected yet again.

Your DP is in danger of actually harming the child because he doesn't seem to understand at all what kind of care the child needs.

It honestly sounds like a pet. Feed it, give it a sofa to sleep on, sit it in corner of the room for 8 hours day. I actually hope SS do not allow him to do this and insist that he is placed with people who will put the child's needs first.

Yes, I was. Hope that makes it easier for you to follow.

The damage isn’t done by care though….its not going into care or the people in th care home

the damage is being taken away from mothers and families.

The damage has definitely already been done in this case. Taking him away from his mother will save him untold amounts of grief and abuse I’ve no doubt. But I’m also not saying that he will be better off in care as opposed to living with my DP

@Flossyrocks

First off I want to say I support your decision to live separately if DN is placed with your DP.

But before any thing actually happens with that is there any way your DP can speak to a SW about the actual situation and his plans for DN? That; 1-you will not be there. 2- there will be no planned childcare. 3-DN will go to work with him. And 4- he plans to homeschool.

I think he needs to get a real idea of whether or not what he plans would even be allowed. If it turns out that they won't consider that, then the issue may resolve itself. He can then inquire about being able to visit his nephew and/or being able to take him out for a day occasionally.

You don’t have the space. He cannot live with you.

It would be unfair on your children, and it would be unfair on the boy.

He needs his own bedroom and stability. Therefore, foster care would be a better option than sleeping on a sofa in his uncle’s house.

One aspect of this you may want to think on, OP, is your DP’s refusal to sit down and plan something that will work for you all. To discuss what DN really needs and how to meet those needs. To consider the wellbeing of your own 2DC or your soon to be joint baby and what they (and you and he) will need as part of this.

I think, even if the DN situation magically resolved, this is a huge red flag from you 2DCs perspective. They will have this man in their lives as they go through their formative years. What other risks might he foist on you without proper discussion, planning or mitigation.

His desire to help his nephew is admirable. His refusal to look at the options and consider what is involved, or even be honest with SS about what he was actually intending offering DN (especially given it sounds like he was initially expecting you to do a fair bit of care), is not. It’s really worrying.

What an awful situation with either choice.
Could you do it with support for the boy?
That's probably what I'd try, but dh would need to take on the majority of the boy's parenting.

I can see why this isn't a clear cut situation, and why actually these conversations need to happen asap.

People underestimate the resources SS have right now, they don't have to pay out for a family arrangement and will push them.

It would be wise to live separately, but not necessarily split up completely. I would play that by ear to be honest.

What your DP needs to be prepared for is a child who will push him away, be reactive and hurtful, doesn't understand appropriate behaviours, knows grown up things and may well think he is grown up. He needs someone to advocate for his support, SS do have therapists and trauma support available if they are pushed for it so it's all about advocating!
Firm boundaries (expect them broken til he feels safe and secure) but consistently impose them. Such as a bedtime, screen time limits etc.
He can't handle living with your children right now anyway, so that should be taken off the table for everyone's safe guarding.
He needs a proper parent, who can parent doubly hard to correct some of the damage done. He has no safety in his life, it's not the normal to him and he will fight against. Kids with trauma almost find comfort in chaos because it's what they actually know. It takes time for calm, patient, quiet to become a safe feeling.

Have a serious chat with your DP and see if he is actually emotionally prepared for what will be to come if he takes his DN. And I do not advocate for putting kids in care, it is not a nice system and ruins kids if they aren't placed well.
But there are foster parents out there who are prepared for these children, who want to support them through those tough times and behaviours and can see them through the other side. He needs to consider all options thoroughly.

For what it's worth I was a write off young teen, out of control, and was taken in by a family member. I wouldn't of made it past the age of 15 without them.

Hi there, foster carer here. Apologies that I haven't read everything but I just wanted to give some pointers.

Your living arrangements seem difficult and I am really sorry you are going through this but just some perspective on the realities.

If your DN gets removed from his mum, do not let your DP accept him under a situation where he is just "living with his uncle" because what will happen is all help will become unavailable. If he is taking DN in, make sure he says he wants to be approved as a foster carer or kinship carer to at least get some support should things go wrong and also some financial support whether he thinks he will need it or not. Social services will not let him change to this down the line, it needs to be set up from the get go.

SS would allow DN to sleep on the sofa but it is not a good solution. Kids, especially neglected need their own space.

School will be a must. All children under a care order are required to be in full time education and I would start now before he gets to high school age.

Children who have lived with neglect and trauma come with challenges you can't always prepare for. They need more love and nurture than you can imagine and sometimes it is hard but perseverance is what is needed to come out the other side. I think a lack of personal space would make this difficult. Just something to think about.

See if DN can be enrolled in therapy to help him through the emotions he will be feeling and to hopefully learn coping strategies. This can be arranged through SS.

Your DP could absolutely be able to keep a bond with DN if he lived with a foster carer. It will be decided if contact would be supervised or unsupervised and go from there. You can build up a good relationship with the carer to keep up to date with DN and even provide respite and have DN for weekends and holidays when you/ DP can. This could be written into his care plan. There are many positive birth family / foster carer relationship, you just dont hear about them as much as the negative.

It is a massive commitment and I understand why your DP wants to do this and why you are hesitant. However, if he is going ahead I cannot tell you how to live but I would urge you to make sure DN is taken in under a fostering rather than "private" arrangement as DN and yourselves will be open to more support. Many carers who are in private arrangements are left to fend for themselves often without the help, support and skills they need and should get.

How is he going to be better off living with your DP?

Can you say exactly what the benefits would be for the child because what you've described so far does not benefit the child at all.

He has no plan in place for childcare. I mean, that's the absolute basic minimum, the whole reason for taking on the child and your DP can't meet it.

You can't care for a child if you have no childcare in place 😕

Yeah I disagree. It is an also scenario for me.

@SillySeal thank you for the advice

You clearly have zero knowledge and experience of children and YA with complex care needs. I was an extremely well behaved child, my sister wasn't. She would come home frequently and she stabbed my mum putting her in intensive care on my 12th birthday. She took out her anger constantly using violence on me, my mum and Dad. It totally messed me up. I was constantly on edge dreading coming home from school. I struggled terribly and as soon as I hit 17 and found heroin I didn't stop it for the next 20 years.

Asking this woman to take on a child with complex needs, especially when everything will fall on her care wise is terrible. She is being asked to sacrifice the wellbeing of her other kids. Trust me, OP you don't want your kids to end up like me. Protect them at all costs.

OP is not saying that her partner shouldn't agree to look after his nephew. She is saying that she can't deal with a teenager with behavioural problems in a two-bedroom house with her own two children and the new baby with her partner. He can offer to care for his nephew and OP will move out with her children.

Your friend's child is obviously one that you have known from birth and the likelihood of something happening to your friend and you having to take this child into your home is probably slim to none. I also doubt that this child has the same behavioural issues as OP's partner's nephew.

OP knows from having her partner's nephew living with them for four weeks in their tiny house that it isn't doable long term or fair on her children.

I'm sorry OP but you need to trust your gut here.

It would be a big, fat no from me!

It's not the child's fault but I really wouldn't prioritise this child over my own children. I would not move my children in with the nephew.

It sounds like the child is already a handful. I suspect that it will be even more so when he's removed from his Mum.

It will be really challenging to undo all of the damage that has already happened to that poor child. That is without the pressure of raising two other children and combining a step family. Then add on the additional stress that having a newborn is going to cause. It's a recipe for disaster written all over it.

Let your fiance take on the child and live with him. I strongly suspect that your fiance is being incredibly naive here and will have no idea what's about to hit him, being solely responsible for a traumatised 10 year old having had no children of his own yet.

Your fiance really can't possibly understand the additional exhaustion and stress adding a newborn into that mix.

I suspect what will happen that reality will hit your fiance and he'll realise that he's taken on too much.

It's a sad situation affecting so many people but you are right to put your own children first above all else.

So are you suggesting the child is better staying with his mother? Because it doesn't sound like that's reasonable and in fact is why the child is in a dire situation anyway.

There are over 100,000 children in care in this country. You cannot seriously suggest that all these children have been plucked from loving homes for no good reason and that sending them back is in their best interests.