AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

@Flossyrocks another poster made reference to the fact that older abused children can go on to abuse in care but for some reason didn’t complete the loop to see that you would be exposing your existing and future child to that same risk from your DPs traumatised DN. It is incredibly common for children to play out abuse they have experienced on other children.

A very damaged child is a high risk child. SS are extremely reluctant to place abused children in families that have younger children for this reason but kinship care is way less thorough in this regard.

As I said in an earlier post your plan if your DH giving this a go, even if he is wildly naive about the work that involves (I have two children with SN do not understand the extra work a traumatised child brings over a typical child) then that is one thing but you are absolutely, absolutely correct that at this stage this is too risky for your children.

I might have missed a comment. Maybe for the best

No, she doesn't come across as vile. She comes across as a thoughtful, concerned human being who has to look at the whole picture.

Her first responsibility is to her children, her young children and an imminent newborn, and she's taking that responsibility very seriously, as she should.

Honest answer as someone who volunteers in a social care adjacent role and sees the impact of these decisions on children regularly.

Kinship arrangements are often seen as easier stop gaps by social care. There is a real shortage of good quality foster care and residential placements and the sad truth is that kinship is cheaper and it isn't always the best place for a child who has experienced abuse or trauma and needs trained carers and skilled care to help them process what has happened. I don't mean to disparage social workers because the pressures and constraints are very real. Kinship often isn't the best place for the child. If it's likely to be a long term placement then you might also be facing an assessment for suitability which can be quite intrusive.

Contact should absolutely be possible though.

I get it

however studies have shown irreversible damage when children get taken out of the family. Even for a very short time

its not your job. But there is no real recovery from it if he goes into care.

@Flossyrocks

Im a foster carer who has looked after 3 boys in this age group.

You are quite right that you DH is completely under estimating what this means and is completely ignoring the practicalities.

You are quite right in being concerned for your other children and in particular your new baby.

You must absolutely not be quilted into accepting this child. Its alright for others to say over their dead bodies would they see a family member go into care - they are not in your shoes.
All 3 of my foster children have trashed my home, between them £100s of damages. All subjected me to relentless verbal abuse.
Whilst I understand that this is their trauma playing out, I did not have other children to consider.
If social services are involved there would be an assessment anyway. Whilst they may make allowances for family, I would think it highly unlikely they would approve a child sleeping on the sofa. This child will need their own room.
Going into care does not mean that your DH cannot see his nephew or build a relationship with him.
In your position I would be saying no

You already know your answer then and that's fine.

I don't know if social services would allow the placement with your bedroom situation as it is at the moment.

And no, I know my friend's child is a completely different situation, I understand that your nephew will require a trauma informed approach and he needs support. It's good that your partner wants to give that to him.

It will be sad if you're not living with your partner when your baby is born but do what feels right for you and your children.

Your other children and the newborn are your priority. If 4 weeks was an ordeal imagine permanently. Your partner wouldn't be the one with resentment it would be you

Another possibility is for nephew to go into short term foster care with plenty of visits from your DP and potentially also in time from you and your DC as well.
This can be framed as 'we don't have space'. Then see how it goes.
To be honest that would be my second choice as I do think nephew will be better with your DP. It sounds like they have a good relationship and something really valuable that nephew can lean into to recover from his trauma. Clearly putting him into a family situation with other DC was far too much for him to handle.

however studies have shown irreversible damage when children get taken out of the family. Even for a very short time

And how many studies have looked at the damage to the children of the family that child moves into?

Not you!! Haven’t you read my other posts - all of which support you?

Take a look back; you’ll see I was responding to the poster directly before me.

As you have experience in this would it work if the boy actually lived with foster parents close to Op with lots of contact with his uncle, maybe even weekend visits when her children are at their dad's? Could be temporary until they can work something out.

OP as some others have said, the bar is set low for family fostering. We didn't have a spare bedroom, my nephew would have had to share with my son who's 10 years older and stayed up all night gaming.

Yet social services spent hours on the phone to me trying to persuade me to take him. They have limited budget for foster carers and see this as the easiest and cheapest solution, I think.

Sorry @AnnieLummox! Your comment went onto the new page.
just gone back and re read some. Thank you 💐

I can’t believe I’m hearing this either. So the kid will grow up with a substandard education and possibly resent his uncle for it? If that’s your DP’s idea to do this then he shouldn’t care for your DN imo.

The amount of posters assuming the absolute worst is always so grim on MN.

A boy who needs a home is assumed to be some sort of demonic tearaway who will at best traumatise the other children and at worst abuse them.

Foster care is assumed to be a one-way ticket to a child's life being ruined. Toss him on the scrapheap forever.

As someone who's had experience with the care system - I've been in it, I know people who've been in it - I just want to point out that neither of those prejudices are necessarily correct. Kids from suboptimal home backgrounds very often thrive if given safe homes with love and support. This can even happen in the care system. And those kids very often get along fine with any children already in the home. It's possible for any of those scenarios to work out well, if the adults involved work at it.

The assumption that living with the nephew will harm the OP's own children is a messed-up prejudice. So is the assumption that foster care will harm him irreparably. This entire thread is based on the premise that the situation is a zero-sum game and supporting the OP's children is mutually exclusive to supporting her partner's nephew.

Having said that the practical sticking point is the size of the house and I agree with most posters that everyone involved living in that space isn't feasible. To me the best solution is for the OP and her kids to live separately to her partner and his nephew. This doesn't have to mean separating (though it may lead to it anyway).

FFS, can none of you READ?! Actually LOOK at the post I’m responding to before spilling your vitriol everywhere?!

I’ve said nothing against the OP - NOTHING. I’ve only ever been supportive to her. So don’t you fucking dare call me evil. Learn to fucking read!

Whilst i definitely think he should go to school for friendships etc - he has already missed SO much school due to his mothers incompetence that I don’t think he’d ever catch up in mainstream education. I’d say his learning age is about 3-4 years below his actual.

Thank you, @Soverymuchfruit 💐🙂

If you’re honest with the local authority regarding g the housing situation they may be able to help I have seen family be given huge help with housing needs even help extending to keep a child placed with family, they funded my colleagues loft extension when she took in her niece and didn’t have space

But he is not doing what is right for his nephew and he is not keeping the family together.

He is breaking up his existing family with you and his child having to live in a separate house to him and his plan for his nephew is to

1 Lie to SS
2 Stop the child going to school
3 Stop the child socialising with his peers
4 Put the child at risk in a workplace he is not supposed to be in
5 Isolate the child

I would add to this that he will no doubt abandon the child if the boy refuses to get out of bed to go to work with him and he will just leave him at home alone.

It's all very neglectful and I think he is only doing it for his own conscience, not for what is best for the baby or the nephew.

When you say lose custody, do you mean the boy is going to be removed from mothers care?
If so, social services will do extensive assessments for possible placements. If this works out being you - make sure you discuss with them what support is available both financially and also support for the child. Its possible he has been through trauma which can affect behaviour.
I would want to avoid the child going into care but you need to know what you're getting into, to avoid any future breakdown and disruption for him and your family x

His nephew is going to need intense, focused parenting. Moving into a crowded home with a newborn and sleeping on the sofa after being removed from his mother is going to make the situation worse. It’s in the nephew’s best interest that you delay blending families in residence for now.

you are still going to be part of his life. You are going to share a newborn baby with his uncle. That doesn’t mean you need to live together.

But OP - and I speak as a very experienced teacher and retired headteacher - that certainly doesn't mean his education doesn't matter and can or should be abandoned! Similarly, he needs to be able to spend regular time with his peers.

He might not "catch up" to where he could have been in optimal circumstances - but he can and might make good progress if given the chance.

That’s a pity. But the reality is he will be even less educated being with your DP and homeschooling of 5 hours a week. Your DP would be better off if he could, helping his DN in evenings weekends so he has a smidgen of a chance of catching up.