AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

[Flossyrocks]

Little bit of back story - we’ve been together 3 years and I have 2 children from a previous relationship. I’m pregnant with our first baby and we are renovating a house which only has 2 bedrooms and are relying on planning permission being accepted. Which I know in itself is not the wisest decision. My DPs sister is probably going to lose custody of her DS(10) and my partner is the only one who can take him in without him going in to care. Of course I am not advocating for him to be put into care. And I want my DP to have a clear conscious so I have put no pressure on the situation. Just been there and supported him best I can. The nephew is a really difficult child through no fault of his own but this does effect my children. He can be really malicious amongst other things and causes a lot of stress. I really don’t feel like I can take him on. Especially being pregnant, with my 2 DCs and the bedroom situation in the new house. Am I a total bitch? I would never ever expect him to put his nephew into care, in my current state of mind I feel like we are going to have to separate. I know resentment is a killer and either way this would be an extremely difficult situation

This is the only answer. The poor boy needs his uncle more than you do (but I’m not convinced about taking him to work or the homeschooling happening). You should not let him near your kids at least for now it’s possible that might change though and I’d be tempted to keep the relationship going at least for a few months and see if removed from that environment if he can sort himself very quickly.

As someone has pointed out, the nephew is already on social services list, being removed from his mother, therefore considered vulnerable. Zero chance the council will allow an extended family member to 'home school' said child. They will need to be in a proper school ... where safeguarding teams and teachers will be aware of his circumstances.

It’s so difficult but I think you can only do what is best for your DC, which is for you to live separately from DP and DN. 💐

But has your friends child been abused and as a result is traumatised? In my usual state of mind no I absolutely would not resent the child - but I don’t underestimate postnatal hormones and being sleep deprived and not thinking straight so I can’t speak for that version of myself. I’d never resent DP for doing what he thinks is right for his DN - it’s up to me to decide if that’s safe for my children and the answer is no.

Oh wow. Lovely

You need to do what is best for your children and your feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. Bringing a disruptive, traumatised child into a two bedroom home with one adult who doesn’t want him there and is afraid of the situation harming the younger children’s well being and with a new baby in the house and all that that brings just won’t work. This nephew will demand and require a huge amount of time and support and the reality is his needs will be very different to those of the other three children and will in all likelihood be put on you as you are on maternity leave. Your partner has no idea of how big a change all round this will be, how much time the child will need and how much normal daily life and routines will change for everyone. Personally I would say no and suggest that he stays in his own home with the nephew and see how things pan out. It’s not like it’s just for a few weeks. It’s likely permenant. Follow your instincts and do t be railroaded because that will be bad for everyone and as you say nothing destroys a relationship more than resentment.

Nobody wants this. He should ideally be with loving parents. This is always a compromise situation but it can work out in time I think, he could end up being a great big brother to the younger children. Juts dont rush things, and don't be rushed.

I think that's the best approach you can take.

Sadly speaking from experience that isn’t true. If family are willing to take in a child the bar is set much lower than it would be for a normal foster care situation.

I think sometimes it is actually in the best interest for extended family to say “no we can’t meet the needs and provide a home” but still stay involved than to take a child into a situation that isn’t right for anyone

And also, kudos to you for considering this and trying to make it work. It's an even bigger ask when its not your direct family member I think. Give yourself a lot of credit for this, however it works out. Nobody else stepped up for my nieces.

Social services won't just hand this boy over to his uncle - they have to be sure that the uncle is able to offer him the right sort of parental support. Lots of family members are assessed and don't pass. A growing teenage boy and a man who has a temper for example, or who hasn't dealt with his own difficult upbringing who drinks (not saying OP's partner is like this, just examples) .....it's not a done deal even if you want to help.

YANBU.

Your kids are your priority

OP you're not sounding as clear about what you're going to do as you were earlier. That's understandable as you start to think about what you would lose. But while I appreciate that you don't want to make any decisions in haste I would very seriously ask you to postpone the wedding. Regardless of how far along you are in preparations and bookings.

If this goes badly it will be much harder to extricate yourself and your children if you're married. It could come at a point where the DN had only just moved in and would make things so much more difficult for him as he would see you and his uncle getting married and wonder where he fits in. And most importantly, if you were married SS could well decide that you are a joint carer and would think that much more appropriate than DP doing it on his own. SS are renowned for wanting to find an easy solution and you could be seen as it. As a partner you can say it's nothing to do with you and they have to accept it. They will push far far harder if you're married.

I definitely won’t be marrying him and moving house at this point don’t worry. I completely had taken it off the table but after reading more and more comments about SS being unlikely to actually place DN with DP it’s not black and white

and yet, if you step up and take them in as kinship carers, and take the financial obligation off the council, they barely do cursory checks outside of an initial report. My nieces are safe and thriving and in school but nobody would know or care if they were locked in a basement or I was an alcoholic abuser. Honestly, it's shocking how they let vulnerable children go to family without proper checks and supports and I worry about children who have slipped through the cracks like that. Their (pointless) social workers signed them off and washed their hands of then when they moved to live with me as it was out of county for them, and nobody from SS in my county knows they are here. I did ask the original ones if there would be any handover and they said no.

Anyway, I digress. Good luck OP.

@Flossyrocks through absolutely no fault of your own you are in a no-win situation. Of course you have to prioritise your own children including a soon to be newborn.
Your DP probably has no real concept of what will be involved in 24/7 care of his troubled DN, even more so when he will be sole parent as you won't be living together.
I hope you can find a way for him to still offer you some support and have a safe relationship with his own child, but I think the reality will be you back to sole parenting with another baby in the mix.
Very tough for all concerned.

You are vile. How dare you question someone looking out for the best interests of her own children. There are no winners here so please just go away from this thread. Evil

You have a lot to deal with and only you can decide.
There are a lot of things you need to plan though and plan properly.
Can you afford a rental with one bedroom more? Either on your own or taking your partners child payments for the baby into account.
Have you put any money into the new house? Is your name on a mortgage? Or on the planning application? If you are not going to be living there in the near future then make sure you are financially detached from your partner.
How will you work things going forward when the baby is with its father? Will he be able to cope with nephew and baby?
Will you and dp actually separate? Or will you live apart but be together romantically? How will you manage the mix of kids then?
There is a real potential for a mess here. Sort of living apart but spending time together and sometimes staying in the house? Being a couple but not really, how will money work if you drift into this. Would this not be unsettling for the nephew? What will happen if your dp’s plan to have nephew at work with him comes unstuck?

God - how vile. A woman putting her own children first.
What a monster!

So your dp owns the 2 bed house, undergoing renovations, with the option of an attic extension, and pp possible for a 2 roomed extension. Are you currently living in the rental while renovations are underway? Is dp's 2 bed in a state that is livable for him and his dn?

In dp's currently blinkered and over-optimistic view, would dn go to school (or is that not possible?), or would you be expected to look after your own newborn, and dn all day? and support home-schooling? I assume that your own dc are at school.

I think it is clear that dn cannot move into your current rental home, and I think it would be best if your dp and his dn moved into the 2 bed owned property. If it's not currently habitable then it may be that a period of foster care would be required for dn anyway.

When your current rental comes to end, could you get a new place closer to dp's house (accept this would mean your dc moving school, but that was the plan anyway)? That would allow dp and dn to establish their living arrangements in a more settled environment, and for new baby to be born into a different settled enviornment.

Over time, and as planning permission and extension work are completed you could take a planned approach to the possibility of having a more integrated family. This way dp could see the reality of long term care for dn; dn's behaviour (with skilled professional support) may improve and be more manageable; you and dp could work towards something, and maybe have a positive experience of co-parenting the new baby. In any case, I think your current plans for marriage have to be shelved.

Or are you thinking that dn's behaviour and situation is so awful that you can never safely have a more integrated family?

Really sorry you are all facing it. It's a no-win set of choices

This would be a different situation if the boy's behavior was better. Given this upcoming trauma, it will possibly only get worse, and with the teen years coming, that is something you must take into consideration.

Your DP will sadly only be able to face the reality of the situation by seeing it for himself.

Your children absolutely come before this nephew, especially where safety and emotional well-being are involved. While you can have compassion for DP's nephew, you should not have to feel responsible for him at the sacrifice of your own children.

I don't think it is remotely fair to you for him to live somewhere else so that he can take care of this nephew rather than his own newborn baby. However, given the behaviors of this boy that you are hinting at and the trauma involved, which DP seems to be dismissing as a real concern, you have been left with no choice.

If this was a sweet and sad boy I imagine you would be far less worried about physical space. But with the reality of this boy's problems, the space is just one more problem...

@Flossyrocks I think actually @AnnieLummox was replying to @Diosmonet and saying that @MajorProcrastination was coming across as vile.

NB I am not myself saying that @MajorProcrastination comes across as vile, I am just trying to clear up a misunderstanding.

@Flossyrocks is trying to work out the best thing for her own children, which is her primary responsibility, and it is very unhelpful to call her vile. But I don't think anyone has done. In any case I will give my own opinon that you are very far from being vile! Good luck with it all, what a miserable situation.

It would be tight. I haven’t really explored it too much - my head feels a mess. I haven’t put any money into it and my names not on it. I can’t really answer any of the other questions. It’s all hypothetical and difficult

I think at the moment this is the best case scenario we can hope for. I wouldn’t say DN is a lost cause, but who knows how he will be in a year or so